Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

I'm posting here because I have no-one I can really contact at this time of night.

My MIL has been on palliative care for the last couple of weeks - end stage dementia and possible bowel cancer which wasn't investigated fully after long conversations with her GP. She stopped recognising anyone over 5 years ago. I saw her on Tuesday and it was heartbreaking.

I had a call just after midnight to say she had passed away, and basically the nurse who called immediately asked me to arrange for her to be removed immediately. I am two hours away and my father died in the middle of April, so I am in the middle of organising his funeral. I had mentioned at a meeting with tge funeral director on Tuesday afternoon that my MIL would likely be their next customer but hadn't formally engaged them in respect of her because from experience of several deathbeds one can never be sure how long these things will take and it felt disrespectful. To be frank I'm struggling emotionally with losing my Dad and my MIL became my sole responsibility when my DP died three years ago.

I'm posting because I'm so taken aback by the almost indecent haste of all this. The nurse said she had passed literally ten minutes before they called me.

Nobody explained to me any sort of procedure when I was there on Tuesday. I was asked if anything was in place and said I would make arrangements, but nobody said that if she passed in the night I would be expected to organise everything then and there. They were most insistent that they couldn't keep her till morning even.

Fortunately the funeral directors have a 24 hour line so the nursing home contacted them, but because they are out if area it's all being done through another firm in the interim until all paperwork is completed.

I don't want to over react if this is standard procedure and this is all my fault, so has anyone else had a similar experience? I was left feeling as though I've just done everything wrong, and I'm in bits to be honest. I can't contact anyone for support till the morning, so if anyone can talk me down I'd be really grateful.

That's dreadful. I'm sorry for your losses.

Exactly the same thing happened to us when FIL passed away in the small hours. We got the call and were asked to arrange for him to be collected ASAP.

I am sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss

That seems ridiculous to rush you like this. My Gran died in a nursing home and there was no rush. They were happy to wait for anyone that wanted to say goodbye before the undertakers came.

I have no experience of this, but I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your replies. I just wish they'd explained things fully to me when I was there. If I'd realised I would have put the funeral directors on stand by.

And condolences for your losses too x

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Apparently she's already been collected by the local funeral home to the nursing home. They organised that within about an hour.

I'm utterly bewildered.

I’m sorry for your loss.

my dad died in hospital and they took him to the morgue (and in fact we had the devil’s own job getting his body released to the funeral directors but that’s another story).

I wouldn’t have known this was a thing.

that's awful, I'm sorry you're going through that on top of the grief and the grief of your own father's passing.

Sorry for you loss. I think it’s normal for them to ask for people to be moved asap when they have died they don’t have facilities that they do in hospitals and funeral homes to preserve bodies (I have worked in a few homes). It’s also normal to ask for the personal items to be removed the same day, they don’t want to wait for days as the bed isn’t making money with no one in it (I know it’s harsh but they are money making businesses). I worked in a local authority home that gave people 72 hours to clear the room and then everything was packed by staff into bin bags/spare boxes, most homes gave shorter time periods.

I'm so sorry that sounds brutal, and I am sorry for both your losses.

I was just going to say surely if these things need doing in the middle of the night they would have a standing arrangement with someone already, rather than expecting a bereaved relative to do it instantly.

I wonder if there was a miscommunication among the staff and they normally arrange with the local funeral home rather than asking the relative. Try to get some sleep if you can x

Thank you for this, I'll have to arrange to get over there somehow as I don't drive, so if there is a deadline for collecting possessions I will have to get a lift.

I’m so sorry. That sounds brutal and not caring at all. It’s the middle of the night for goodness sake they could Atleast wait till the early hours. No care or compassion at all. Sorry for both your losses.

Thank you, I'm really surprised there's no apparent protocol as well. I appreciate they can't hold onto a deceased person indefinitely but nit even until morning seems a bit harsh x

Thank you all for the kind words x I'm not really thinking straight, so thank you x

I will try to sleep but so much going through my head, memories and everything is making it hard x

I’m sorry for your loss 💐
It does all seem very insensitive and as you say, their procedure ought to have been pointed out to you beforehand.
But, as another poster said, they don’t have the facilities for storing bodies.
She’s in a better place now, as the saying goes. Dementia is the cruellest disease x

Given this must happen frequently, disappointing they didn't walk you through the process and advise you. Sorry for your loss

OP you poor thing, both your parents in as many months. I'm really really sorry for your loss.
I know it sounds impossible but as things seem to be somewhat sorted with the directors for tonight at least, try to stop thinking about the horrible way you were told (they should have more compassion though!) and instead if you can try to remember some of the good times with your parents. The logistics are awful but they'll get sorted. Again, I'm really sorry and thinking of you x

To be fair, they asked you if everything was in place and you said it was.

If it wasn’t, or you weren’t sure what had to be done, that was the time to double check.

Don't be a dick.

The same kind of thing happened when my Grandad was admitted to hospital, within 24 hours my mum was told to clear his room. At that stage we didn't know if he would ever be going back to the home or not. Care homes are just money making machines, residents are really just a line on a balance sheet to them. I'm sorry for your loss, the home could have been more caring towards you.

it is awful; but actually I think it’s standard. My Dad died in hospital at 2 in the morning. When they called to tell me, they also asked me if I had a preferred undertakers. I was a bit shocked also; they apologised, they said they had no morgue facilities and were obliged to have the deceased collected within two hours. Sorry you are going through all this; it’s very upsetting and particularly with your Dad as well- t emotionally such a hard time.

That sounds odd. I remember looking it up when my nan was near death at home and I'm sure it said if they died in the night it was ok to leave until morning to ring undertakers if you wished. We didn't want to do that but still had to wait hours for doctor to come and confirm death. Then for the undertakers to come. Honestly I wish it could've been quick (although my dad was quicker and I still ended up feeling guilty for wanting him out of the house ASAP) so it's tough either way. Wouldn't they have had to have a doctor confirm with your MIL? That seems awfully quick if you said she only just passed when they contacted you. I'm very sorry for your loss

Care homes are just money making machines, residents are really just a line on a balance sheet to them

Yes and no in this context.
They don’t have a morgue facility. They need the bed for financial purposes AND social purposes. Part of the reason A&E is so clogged up is by bed blocking on wards by elderly who can’t be discharged home but desperately need a care bed asap.

That's three very close losses in a very short space of time, OP. I'm so sorry. That's a lot to go through.

I would expect them to let you know and ask you to make arrangements for your MIL to be collected, but it seems they have gone about it rather insensitively.

Maybe they've had prior issues with people taking their sweet time about that sort of thing, but still...

I a so sorry for the loss of your parents. It must have seemed insensitive but if you were not going there straightaway I can understand that they need to make arrangements following her death.
It does sound as if you knew who you would be using and it is usual for these calls to be made 24 hours a day. There are limited staff and facilities in the care home to manage someone once they’re deceased and it made sense that they get the information from you whilst they could do.
It is hard but forms need to be completed and bodies dealt with appropriately- it’s a matter of legality but also decency - doing the best by your mum’s free she has died.
Please don’t let this jarring incident upset you any more than you have been already; the care home will have done their best for your mum whilst she was alive and the night shift is often quite limited.
I would rather she was taken overnight rather than during the daytime bustle. When my mum was removed by the undertaker from her care home the staff, including the cleaning came and made a standing wall to the external door to pay their respects. I found this out by chance from the caretaker who had been there; please don’t take this call as evidence of a lack of care. I wish you well.

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful. Surely it could have waited until the following morning.

I'm not in the UK, but when my DM passed I was asked who I wanted to use as an undertaker and the care home organised for her to be picked up, which seems much better to me.