Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

I'm posting here because I have no-one I can really contact at this time of night.

My MIL has been on palliative care for the last couple of weeks - end stage dementia and possible bowel cancer which wasn't investigated fully after long conversations with her GP. She stopped recognising anyone over 5 years ago. I saw her on Tuesday and it was heartbreaking.

I had a call just after midnight to say she had passed away, and basically the nurse who called immediately asked me to arrange for her to be removed immediately. I am two hours away and my father died in the middle of April, so I am in the middle of organising his funeral. I had mentioned at a meeting with tge funeral director on Tuesday afternoon that my MIL would likely be their next customer but hadn't formally engaged them in respect of her because from experience of several deathbeds one can never be sure how long these things will take and it felt disrespectful. To be frank I'm struggling emotionally with losing my Dad and my MIL became my sole responsibility when my DP died three years ago.

I'm posting because I'm so taken aback by the almost indecent haste of all this. The nurse said she had passed literally ten minutes before they called me.

Nobody explained to me any sort of procedure when I was there on Tuesday. I was asked if anything was in place and said I would make arrangements, but nobody said that if she passed in the night I would be expected to organise everything then and there. They were most insistent that they couldn't keep her till morning even.

Fortunately the funeral directors have a 24 hour line so the nursing home contacted them, but because they are out if area it's all being done through another firm in the interim until all paperwork is completed.

I don't want to over react if this is standard procedure and this is all my fault, so has anyone else had a similar experience? I was left feeling as though I've just done everything wrong, and I'm in bits to be honest. I can't contact anyone for support till the morning, so if anyone can talk me down I'd be really grateful.

Why do you think that would be unlikely? All nursing homes have nurses and I'd say most nurses in charge would be able to certify, as can the local district nursing team.

Nursing homes have a place but they are very much profit making businesses. I would not be surprised if they profit from referrals to a particular funeral director.

OP when you feel able please contact the NH and explain how they have made you feel. They are coming across as heartless.

Come on. What a mean thing to say.

No advice, but sorry for your multiple recent losses.
Have reported the dick comments in the hope they are gone before you return to the thread.

I don't want to add to your situation OP, but we were asked to clear out my MiL's room by the next day.

So sorry for your loss

I would imagine at least part of the reason that deceased folk are spirited away so quickly in the middle of the night is to minimise distress to other residents.

Hope you have some support op and they allow you decent time to clear/collect her things.

I'm so sorry for your losses, I can imagine how alone you feel under all the stress.
My own parents both died in hospital, as did my MIL in Europe a few weeks ago, so our experience may be different In all cases the bodies were taken to the morgue immediately where they could remain until undertakers arrived to collect. I can't remember there being any sense of hurry about that although it was all arranged within a few days. But in the recent case of my MIL she had been living in a care home before being admitted to hospital and the care home was very understanding about giving us time to remove her belongings, which also took a few days. I'm really sorry your experience of this is so brutal - you'd think they could be more sensitive at such a trying time.

It isn't much different to someone dying at home, it is not a hospital, doesn't have access to a mortuary.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Treat it as if she died at home, contact ambulance or funeral director.

Apologies I saw undertaker update. 💐

Sorry for your loss. In the home i worked in if someone passed overnight we would contact the dr to confirm the death and then contact the family and give them the option to come in and visit the person first. We would then offer to make all the arrangements with their chosen funeral directors and if they hadn't yet decided on one we could recommend one who we have a very good relationship with, we did try and have the person removed ASAP but that's so they weren't lying there for a long time in a warm room. We have always though, regardless of time offered to take care of the arrangements ourselves as understand that getting that news even if expected is difficult. We also make sure the families know there is no rush to empty the room of belongings and are happy to wait in to store them for a short time

When i was in hospital someone died in the night and I heard the staff telling the family they was only allowed to keep the person on the ward for a max of 2 hours

Yes, I'm sure the OP is making it up about her Dad's funeral . Also, read the OP - her husband also died. Go back to bed.

So sorry for your loss. As a nurse in the community it is normal to call an undertakers over night to transfer to a funeral home.
There is no need to pre arrange funeral directors as they always have an on call service and normally collect pretty quickly, in my experience people even decide which funeral director they want to use when we ask where people want to go. As a lot of people haven’t thought of this.

It sounds like the nurse didn’t communicate this very well! Normally nursing homes ring the families chosen funeral director on the families behalf. (If the person dies at home the family rings)

If no one was going to visit her (bodies deteriorate quickly) I understand that they would want to transfer your MIL to the funeral home sooner rather than later.

i always say to families to wait until everyone has been to say goodbye before ringing the funeral directors as they usually come pretty quick.

So sorry for you loss xxxx

I’m so sorry, OP. You’ve been through so much. I hope you get time to process things. And I hope you have people with you.

I think the staff could have explained things much better - you don’t know what you don’t know. And it seems like a very rushed way to do things, which doesn’t give families much time to process and pay their respects. Hopefully the funeral home is set up in a way which enables you to do that.

Sending you much love.

My dad died in a nursing home about 8pm , my mum had already said which undertaker , I spent about ten minutes with him then went home and the home phoned in the middle of the night (I missed the call) to say he’d been collected by the undertaker. so they’d presumably called them straight away. No question of me calling them which I’d have had no issue doing but they sorted it . It may have been they felt sorry for me as my mum couldn’t be arsed to sit with him , wanted to get home for the dog and had told me she didn’t want me ringing her in the middle of the night if he died.

Husband and I went round first thing in the morning to clear his room and take the staff a present.

I am so sorry for your loss. My father died in a nursing home recently. He was there for palliative care and we had to organise a funeral director for him before he died. The home said this was because they cannot keep the body which does make sense.

it’s a pity they did not organise this before.
the home was actually bothering us about funeral arrangements and I was on the point of telling them to wait until he needed them until they explained. They actually explained to us so if he went in the night we wouldn’t be scrabbling around trying to sort it out while distressed.

i am so sorry this has caused you distress at such a painful time.

I am so sorry for all your pain.

My FIL's nursing home called and asked for the name of the funeral director and hour before he died. That was insensitive too.

My Dad died unexpectedly so had to be given a post mortem. However, it did all us the luxury of several days to carefully choose a funeral director - we went around and spoke to all the options. It was so much better than the panic with FIL, although I didn't appreciate it at the time.

I think nursing homes and hospices should sensitively get patients (if appropriate) and families to choose or at least think about FDs when people go into a home and review it regularly.

And remember that it might be just another death to them, but it's your father, mother, husband etc and they should never ever forget that.

I am really sorry for your loss. Was the placement funded by you privately or a council placement ?

I'm so sorry about your losses, you've had an awful lot to cope with.

My mother died in a care home at around 9.30 pm. They left us with her for a time, and then came along to talk about things like death certificates etc, and quite tactfully asked if we had any particular funeral directors they should contact. I had in fact already looked into it as my mother had a funeral plan so was able to give them details, and I assume they contacted the funeral directors later that evening.

I suspect you felt rushed because it was midnight, and you didn't know that funeral directors are on call 24 hours a day. If her death had taken place earlier, they might have given you time to process that before calling back about arrangements, but they could hardly do that in the middle of the night. However, if you think about it the reality is that all you were asked to do was provide a name, and in effect you'd already been asked to think about that on Tuesday. The home then took over all the work of arranging everything, so it wasn't all dumped on you.

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your losses, all three of them. It is such a difficult time and dealing with multiple deaths will be exhausting. Please look after yourself.

My MIL died at home and the Funeral Directors were called immediately and she was taken to the funeral home. No one wanted to see her after death. I think it’s quite normal. So sorry for your loss.

That might be an unfair comment re the nursing home staff. When my friend died recently in a nursing home the staff were genuinely upset, all in tears and very respectful. They need to have processes for this kind of thing and its fairly normal to call an undertaker fairly quickly whether the person dies at home or in a care home. I don’t agree it’s insensitive to call an undertaker and not wait hours. As I found out, bodies change very quickly in a warm nursing home.

I am so sorry you lost your dad and your mother-in-law. That's heartbreaking for you especially as you have also lost your partner. This has made me really worry about things with my mum who is in her 90s and in a home. I think we will need to ask the nursing home what the procedure is. For those of you who are not members of the co-op, if that is your local funeral home then become a member because there is a discount.

And remember that it might be just another death to them, but it's your father, mother, husband etc and they should never ever forget that.
My Dsis is working in palliative care, it is never just another death to her or her colleagues, she deeply cares for her clients and ensures as much dignity as possible, always in floods of tears when they take their last breath.
She has to reapply makeup before the family arrives.

I’m so sorry, FIL died in a home at about 11:30pm, they called about half an hour later and fortunately they were very kind on the phone and said they’d look after him overnight and we were to call back in the morning to make a plan, he was eventually removed around noon the next day.

There’s definitely a balance to be struck between keeping things moving, and just basic kindness.

Sorry for your loss. Sadly it something that needs to be organized quickly as the home is hot and doesn't have storage facilities. I was surprised how quickly they took my neighbour when he passed in the middle of the night. He has no family so mum become his next of kin to call. Look after yourself op xxx

Sorry for your loss. When my DF passed away in a care home I didn't have to do anything they just told me which funeral director he was taken by.