Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

I'm posting here because I have no-one I can really contact at this time of night.

My MIL has been on palliative care for the last couple of weeks - end stage dementia and possible bowel cancer which wasn't investigated fully after long conversations with her GP. She stopped recognising anyone over 5 years ago. I saw her on Tuesday and it was heartbreaking.

I had a call just after midnight to say she had passed away, and basically the nurse who called immediately asked me to arrange for her to be removed immediately. I am two hours away and my father died in the middle of April, so I am in the middle of organising his funeral. I had mentioned at a meeting with tge funeral director on Tuesday afternoon that my MIL would likely be their next customer but hadn't formally engaged them in respect of her because from experience of several deathbeds one can never be sure how long these things will take and it felt disrespectful. To be frank I'm struggling emotionally with losing my Dad and my MIL became my sole responsibility when my DP died three years ago.

I'm posting because I'm so taken aback by the almost indecent haste of all this. The nurse said she had passed literally ten minutes before they called me.

Nobody explained to me any sort of procedure when I was there on Tuesday. I was asked if anything was in place and said I would make arrangements, but nobody said that if she passed in the night I would be expected to organise everything then and there. They were most insistent that they couldn't keep her till morning even.

Fortunately the funeral directors have a 24 hour line so the nursing home contacted them, but because they are out if area it's all being done through another firm in the interim until all paperwork is completed.

I don't want to over react if this is standard procedure and this is all my fault, so has anyone else had a similar experience? I was left feeling as though I've just done everything wrong, and I'm in bits to be honest. I can't contact anyone for support till the morning, so if anyone can talk me down I'd be really grateful.

That’s terrible, I”m so sorry. Don’t they take payment in advance so MIL would still have her place until the month is up? Or do their T&Cs require immediate removal?

I’m sorry for your loss.

As previously mentioned, they will ask you to clear the room ASAP, so please be prepared that they may ask you to come down today to do that.

I’m sorry for your losses.
Just to say that it’s pretty standard that the on call undertakers would collect a body out of hours & store them respectfully until you decide on the funeral directors. If you contact the funeral directors you’re dealing with for your late DF they can arrange for the collection directly for you. You won’t need to do much else.
As for her belongings, as awful as it sounds, they’ll want the space so they can get the next client in. They’ll have a policy around storing things so ask them first thing what their policy is. It might buy you another day.
If not, did your MIL die with any funds? If you’re the person that will be dealing with her estate, you could get a taxi & bill her estate for it.

Please don’t be that person who makes OP repeat themself.
DP died three years ago. That’s included in the initial post.

I’m so sorry.

i have no experience of this. I agree with you and I am shocked, but perhaps it is normal, I don’t know.

you are dealing with so much and I’m so very sorry xxxx

Condolences for you father, MIL and DH. It’s a lot. Stay strong.

My parent died in a nursing home last year in the middle of the night too, like 1:30am. We were called and asked who our preferred funeral people were and I don’t remember who had to call them, but yes, by breakfast (so around 5am) then had already taken her away.

Asking if eveything is in place isn’t enough.

most people have no experience with this sort of thing.

she should have been talked through it.

But private homes don't have facility to store bodies either and when a person dies at home we don't call the funeral home in the middle of the night to collect them, we wait until morning at least! Nothing will happen to her for a few hours until the morning, the decent thing is to alert the relatives and ask them to arrange collection in the morning. They can shut up the room until then and leave the person where they are.

Paramedic here currently on shift.
Yes it's quite normal, even unexpected deaths are collected 1-2 hours after they die.

There are local variations, but generally if it's suspicious/unexplained death then police arrange care of the body to local medicolegal centre. If it's expected death then nok would be expected to make arrangements straight away. If there are no nok and no plans made the home will have an arrangement with a local provider to remove the body. But it's generally seen as bad practice to recommend/push someone to select a particular funeral director - in the past people have been found to be taking a referral bonus /cut shall we say.

-essentially it just needs to get done so you're asked to do it straight away as opposed to chasing you next day. Bodies start to smell, fluids are released. I've never known a funeral director to need any notice/"expect them any day now". They just have someone on call who'll drop what they're doing a come do the pick up whatever the time/day. If you change your mind at a later date they would arrange to move body.

Its hard but working in a home for carers someone dieing is just a normal occurrence and that does tend to change your outlook over time. It is also possible that the night staff member who called you was a new agency carer just moved from abroad/English as second language and sometimes can sound a bit abrupt in how they ask things/some nuance is lost in translation. Definitely seen that a few times!!

To be blunt @Muffinmam, you don’t need to understand why her dad died in April and she’s organising the funeral now.

Re-read the op carefully regarding her DH.

That wasn’t a kind post, and the last thing OP needed right now.

Your country sounds very well organised, but in England funerals can take place well after the date. My grandma on one side died in Ireland where she lived and was buried a week later. The day I got back to Scotland from his funeral I got a call to say my Grandpa on the other side had died in England. He wasn't buried till two months later. There is no rule and there can be delays.

This sentence We are at the end of May right now - meaning it’s been five weeks and your father still hasn’t been laid to rest. is rude, abrasive, and seems to be reproaching OP for something that is not necessarily within her control and not objectively wrong anyway. Maybe have a think about how arrogant it is to assume everything must be done your way everywhere, and whether it's appropriate to berate someone who is in shock and bereaved for "not laying her father to rest."

OP, I'm so sorry, I hope you managed to get a little sleep.

Why on earth are you picking the OP apart for her father's funeral arrangements? What's wrong with you? My mum died last year and the funeral took place 5 weeks later, it's not unusual and it's none of your business or the point of the thread. OP's partner died 3 years ago, which you'd know if you'd read her posts. Insensitive.

Sorry for your loss but there is no morgue and in dementia facilities the patients wander and would walk into rooms they shouldn’t.

@FortyElephantsit will be 23 degrees! They cannot shut off the room!

I don’t understand if your father died in the middle of April why you’re only in the middle of organising his funeral now?

you don’t have to understand it.

In my country funerals take a week to schedule and it’s two weeks if there is an autopsy. We are at the end of May right now - meaning it’s been five weeks and your father still hasn’t been laid to rest

You said it yourself - “in your country”

Surely it’s up to your husband to arrange your MIL’s funeral?

And that last bit from you sums you up perfectly.

I worked for a charity that ran a care home. A record was kept as to which funeral directors was preferred and if a resident died the nurse would contact them directly. This should not be something the family should have to deal with immediately following bereavement in the middle of the night.

So sorry for your losses OP.

I'm not in the UK but at my work we can only keep the residents for 4 hours after they pass away, for temperature reasons.
We would call you in the night to inform you, but we would call the funeral home ourselves to organise collection. The funeral home would then be in touch with you the following day to start arrangements. The only thing we want to know straight away is if you or other family are planning to come right away and say your goodbyes, or can we contact the funeral home straight away.

We kindly urge our families to decide on a funeral home on admission, for this very reason; no one wants to be making an on the spot decision about funeral homes when they've just lost a loved one. On the occasions where the family has not yet decided and their loved one has passed away, we have a large company that we recommend, if they are happy to go with them (they're a great company for the families, but also for us as they are always available night and day for collection).

Same here when my dad passed away. They sound at least very unsympathetic.

At least two weeks to a month or more is normal in this country.

No need for indecent haste and it can take a while to make arrangements as crematoriums etc may not have availability.

I am so sorry for your losses. My mum passed away in March in a nursing home and it wasn’t like this at all. The home checked which funeral directors and they made the call. They specifically said they wouldn’t call the out of hours number if she went in the night as would cost more and they would wait until morning. As it happened she passed away shortly before I arrived and I sat with her for a while. There didn’t feel a rush to remove her.

I’m so sorry this wasn’t your experience.

My friend died in a nursing home in march (sadly only 57 but needed pallative care). We were with her so rang she company she arranged a direct cremation with and it took around 4hrs. We waited with her and no rush. But it is normal procedure for funeral directors to come out during the night.

Oi, be nice.

And read the OP properly before commenting ffs.

Nursing homes are very warm and that’s part of the haste.

Just be prepared that you’ll be asked to clear the room immediately too. However if you’re some distance away, they will do it for you if you ask. They will expect quick collection though as storage is limited.

I’m sorry for your losses.

That's so young, I'm sorry to hear that.