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Original poster

Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

245 replies

MistressoftheDarkSide · 29/05/2025 03:04

I'm posting here because I have no-one I can really contact at this time of night.

My MIL has been on palliative care for the last couple of weeks - end stage dementia and possible bowel cancer which wasn't investigated fully after long conversations with her GP. She stopped recognising anyone over 5 years ago. I saw her on Tuesday and it was heartbreaking.

I had a call just after midnight to say she had passed away, and basically the nurse who called immediately asked me to arrange for her to be removed immediately. I am two hours away and my father died in the middle of April, so I am in the middle of organising his funeral. I had mentioned at a meeting with tge funeral director on Tuesday afternoon that my MIL would likely be their next customer but hadn't formally engaged them in respect of her because from experience of several deathbeds one can never be sure how long these things will take and it felt disrespectful. To be frank I'm struggling emotionally with losing my Dad and my MIL became my sole responsibility when my DP died three years ago.

I'm posting because I'm so taken aback by the almost indecent haste of all this. The nurse said she had passed literally ten minutes before they called me.

Nobody explained to me any sort of procedure when I was there on Tuesday. I was asked if anything was in place and said I would make arrangements, but nobody said that if she passed in the night I would be expected to organise everything then and there. They were most insistent that they couldn't keep her till morning even.

Fortunately the funeral directors have a 24 hour line so the nursing home contacted them, but because they are out if area it's all being done through another firm in the interim until all paperwork is completed.

I don't want to over react if this is standard procedure and this is all my fault, so has anyone else had a similar experience? I was left feeling as though I've just done everything wrong, and I'm in bits to be honest. I can't contact anyone for support till the morning, so if anyone can talk me down I'd be really grateful.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 29/05/2025 05:36

Lostsadandconfused · 29/05/2025 03:33

To be fair, they asked you if everything was in place and you said it was.

If it wasn’t, or you weren’t sure what had to be done, that was the time to double check.

Gos. What a dick conment @Lostsadandconfused

Honestly. Empathy level less than zero. 🙄.

Zanatdy · 29/05/2025 05:37

Kalithoscope · 29/05/2025 05:34

That's so young, I'm sorry to hear that.

Show quote history

Thank you. 9wks from diagnosis (cancer that had spread to the brain) to passing. It was heart breaking. The staff were actually all very respectable and all genuinely upset themselves. They were lovely there.

Redglitter · 29/05/2025 05:38

In my country funerals take a week to schedule and it’s two weeks if there is an autopsy. We are at the end of May right now - meaning it’s been five weeks and your father still hasn’t been laid to rest

Well thats great for YOUR country but clearly the time frame is different where the OP is. Or do you think she's just left her Dad's funeral for this length of time because she can't be bothered arranging it earlier. Honestly what a ridiculous comment to make

Surely it’s up to your husband to arrange your MIL’s funeral

Yeah he probably would do if he hadn't died 3 years ago!!! Typical inconsiderate man. Ffs maybe read the OPs posts properly before posting

Goodgriefisitginfizzoclock · 29/05/2025 05:42

Sorry for your loss.
it would standard practise. They would have a local firm who could collect but were probably just giving you the option in case you had a FD in mind, it’s called transfer of care. I understand that it’s distressing but they would likely be avoiding having the removal at a busier time so as not to cause distress to the other residents. If the passing was in the day, they would manage around the busier times also. It could not have been obvious she was close to the end or they would have called you to be with her. Take comfort in her slipping away in her sleep. She will be well looked after, with dignity, keeping her safe until you can visit, you will be able to transfer her care to a FD of your choice without issue.

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/05/2025 05:44

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and on top of your other recent loss you must be emotionally shattered.

Once you're feeling a bit more yourself in the coming days I'd consider giving the care home some constructive feedback about their processes. Knowing your MIL was end of life they should have already put on file which funeral directors you would be using. They should have also talked you through what would happen once MIL died, especially if it happened during the early hours. It would have been much more sensitive if, when they called you to pass on the news, they said they'd be arranging for the FD to collect her body - it's only a phone call after all. If you feel the whole way the person spoke to you was off, then maybe suggest some additional training on dealing with the newly bereaved. It sounds like this member of staff has got a bit complacent, or doesn't show the necessary empathy.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 29/05/2025 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Muffinmam

Please read and comprehend before posting.

Also “your country” is not the whole world.

@MistressoftheDarkSide so sorry for what you are going through and for your losses. 💐.

Threepiece · 29/05/2025 06:02

FrodoBiggins · 29/05/2025 03:35

Don't be a dick.

Show quote history

Agreed.

user1492757084 · 29/05/2025 06:02

Sorry for both of your losses, Op.
You are right to feel over whelmed by the request, as you had not expected that. You have a lot to deal with, as well as your sorrow.
Hopefully the care that your MIL received was kind in her final hours, and the funeral director will be professional and helpful.

It could be very helpful for you to give feedback, in a polite way and when you feel up to it.

The nursing home could provide family with the expectations of N.O.K., written in practical list form, to be given out at the time when an elderly person becomes ill. People don't always retain anything that they are told or that they have ever read in small print when they are under stress and grief.

The shock factor of the death could also have been helped if the care home had asked you much earlier for details of which funeral director they should use for your MIL, if needed.

BananaSpanner · 29/05/2025 06:08

OP, when they had the conversation with you about whether they had everything in place, they should have asked for more detail. In fact they should have got you to provide the name of the funeral home and discussed with you what the arrangements would be and all relevant contact details.

It’s been a couple of years since my mum died in a home but I remember that in the run up to it, they sat me down and talked me through their procedures and timescales (in a very sensitive way). They made the calls on my behalf after she passed and I cleared out her room the next working day but may have had longer if I wanted, can’t remember.

It is annoying they didn’t communicate better with you or make sure you had a good understanding but I do think it is a reasonable expectation that the body is removed quickly.

Im sorry for your losses, what an awful time for you.

BellissimoGecko · 29/05/2025 06:33

I’m really sorry for your loss.

I’m also very surprised that the care home don’t have a procedure in place for this happening. They should.

They have been very callous. Maybe with some feedback/a complaint?

When MIL died, we were given a couple of days to clear her room, so I think that is normal.

Take care of yourself.

Horserider5678 · 29/05/2025 06:34

Firefly1987 · 29/05/2025 03:48

That sounds odd. I remember looking it up when my nan was near death at home and I'm sure it said if they died in the night it was ok to leave until morning to ring undertakers if you wished. We didn't want to do that but still had to wait hours for doctor to come and confirm death. Then for the undertakers to come. Honestly I wish it could've been quick (although my dad was quicker and I still ended up feeling guilty for wanting him out of the house ASAP) so it's tough either way. Wouldn't they have had to have a doctor confirm with your MIL? That seems awfully quick if you said she only just passed when they contacted you. I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Actually, I’m sure the undertakers cannot collect until the death has been certified unless the care home has a nurse trained to certify. However, I think that’s unlikely.

MoominUnderWater · 29/05/2025 06:37

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m not overly surprised at this….though you’d have thought they could wait till morning! Maybe they are worried another resident might wander and go in the room and see your MIL? Ultimately your MIL has paid the rent for this week/month, so it’s not like they can have someone else in the room today! I would give feedback. And yes, they will harass you to empty the room within days.

milveycrohn · 29/05/2025 06:38

It was not my experience when my DM died in a nursing home, even tho her death had been expected for some days.
First, they had to wait for the doctor to arrive to 'pronounce her death'.
They also agreed to wait for several hours until my DB had arrived to see her (from the other end of the country).
So, the death occurred around 10.00 am, and undertakers around 4.00 pm in the afternoon.
The nursing home were extremely respectful at that time. I do have some issues about the way she was treated before then, but at this time they were very respectful. They allowed/expected me to sit with her for some time, etc
And prevented the usual staff from just 'entering' the room (ie laundry, etc).
However, they DO have a 3-day turnaround on the rooms, so the following day, we just emptied her room of all her personal stuff.
I worked full time, and had 3 days emergency leave at that time.
Obviously I have no idea what would have happened if she had died in the night.

someonehastoberight · 29/05/2025 06:45

Yes when my mum died in a NHS hospice they contacted the local funeral home for collect that evening. Luckily we were close by so could be there. I know it may feel rushed but they don’t have the facilities to store a body and staff aren’t trained /qualified to do so.
if the funeral home isn’t the one you choose you can arrange for your mil to be transferred to one of your choosing. Sorry for your lossFlowers

TimeForABreak4 · 29/05/2025 06:51

I'm so sorry for your losses. I've just asked my dd who is a nurse and has worked in numerous nursing homes. She said they would usually ask first if you would like to come see them and spend time with them and a conversation about the undertakers would take place, whether you had anyone specific you wanted to use and they'd always arrange it unless you asked to.

She said they'd never ask you to arrange for them to come "immediately" and said that's rude and heartless and she'd recommend putting a complaint in, ask for their complaints procedure. I'm so sorry you were treated like that in such a difficult time.

HelloDaisy · 29/05/2025 06:56

As previous pp has said, a death has to be certified by a doctor before body can be moved so I am surprised they asked you to arrange the funeral directors to collect straight away.

When I worked in care, albeit a long time ago, we would always allow the relatives time to visit if they wanted and definitely wouldn’t be moving them for at least an hour. All staff often wanted to come in to say goodbye too. Never would I have rushed anyone to get them out of the door.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

ChocolateMagnum · 29/05/2025 06:57

This isn't right at all.

ALL residents should have a nominated funeral directors and, if they or their family are not ready to nominate one in admission, they should have one they use themselves. The care home nurse should verify the death, if it's expected and a GP has already agreed for this to happen. If not, the GP should call first thing to verify. The care home staff should perform last offices and call the funeral director. The family should only be called to inform them and to ask them if they would like to visit before the resident is taken into the care of the funeral director.

I'm furious on your behalf. This is truly shocking care you have experienced.

BobbleHatsRule · 29/05/2025 06:58

We had a brusque nursing home response to a death. The undertakers were arranged very quickly in request and yes normal for all the reasons described. The body needs to be in the right environment. It sounds as if the manner with which they approached this was wrong.

I suspect they are desensitised by the number of deaths they see.

So sorry for all your losses @MistressoftheDarkSide I hope you have support in friends and employers if relevant. Please speak to CRUSE if you can and your GP to get some help to process this.

ChocolateMagnum · 29/05/2025 06:58

HelloDaisy · 29/05/2025 06:56

As previous pp has said, a death has to be certified by a doctor before body can be moved so I am surprised they asked you to arrange the funeral directors to collect straight away.

When I worked in care, albeit a long time ago, we would always allow the relatives time to visit if they wanted and definitely wouldn’t be moving them for at least an hour. All staff often wanted to come in to say goodbye too. Never would I have rushed anyone to get them out of the door.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

An expected death can be verified by a nurse with the required extra training as long as it has been agreed ahead of time by the resident's GP. Certifying death is a different procedure to verifying.

HelloDaisy · 29/05/2025 07:00

ChocolateMagnum · 29/05/2025 06:58

An expected death can be verified by a nurse with the required extra training as long as it has been agreed ahead of time by the resident's GP. Certifying death is a different procedure to verifying.

Show quote history

Ah thanks, I wasn’t aware of that - long time since I was a nurse…

WeegieW · 29/05/2025 07:03

I’m sorry for your loss. I think a better approach would have been to ask you ahead about your preferred undertakers and then the home to have contacted them.

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/05/2025 07:04

MistressoftheDarkSide · 29/05/2025 03:16

Apparently she's already been collected by the local funeral home to the nursing home. They organised that within about an hour.

I'm utterly bewildered.

I'm sorry for your loss. When my mother died in a care home they arranged for her to be collected by the funeral director almost straight away. My daughter and I cleared her room the next day as, sadly, there were other people desperately needing the room.

Sunshinedayscomeon · 29/05/2025 07:05

Nurse here.

Sorry for your loss.

When a person dies, usually the loved one is contacted if not with them and asked if they would like to say goodbye and spend time with person who has died.

Once they have said goodbye, the funeral directors are contacted to collect the decreased. This is usually organsied by the decreased loves one and when they are ready to do so. I usually advise it's better to soon than later.

The funeral directors if outside business hours (9-6) will have a company covering and will collect the decreased.

The mean thing is you should have been given the option to say goodbye either and in the way you prefer.

Take care

Worldgonecrazy · 29/05/2025 07:06

Mum was in a hospice - when she died they verified which undertaker and Tehran she was taken there within a couple of hours, room emptied and cleaned. It was quick but all done sensitively, and someone else was in her room the next day.