My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

I absolutely agree with you. I don’t want my parents worried about their child. I know we are loved equally. I accept others’ feelings who do equate the contents of a will with money, but I absolutely don’t. Having said that, I believe it’s always best to be honest and open before the event, and if my dd or my ds weren’t happy with anything that was decided then of course I would act on their wishes. As things stand, my parents are dividing their assets between my db and I, and I will probably do a deed of variation giving a large chunk of mine to db. My choice.

The thing is, I get the impression your daughter wouldn’t even dare to tell you if she wasn’t happy with the situation, because she’d get sad eyes from you and ‘I thought I’d brought you up better than that. The contents of a will don’t equal love’

You don't know you'll be fine in the future though. Anything could happen. Both DH and I were put at risk of redundancy on the same day, just last year. Luckily we were both safe after the process but it could very easily have wiped out our income in one fell swoop.

How do you think your parents would feel if they left everything to your brother and then you ended up struggling? Because no one can predict the future.

Of course … the father in this instance was completely wrong in thinking the teacher needed extra money. Of course, the teacher’s career choice was actually more demanding than Law school, qualifying exams and working in a large Law firm.

Sorry for the teacher who took long surfing holidays around the world during breaks, so sad he worked so hard and needed money to fund surfing holidays.

I don't think you're getting it OP, you seem very controlling and pleased with yourself. You've not grasped that you have assumed the wishes of 3 other people (aside from your mum who asked your opinion).

You've decided how things are going to go for your son and daughter, but you have no idea what the future holds.

If you don’t want your share of the money, split it equally between your children. You need to prioritise your children over your brother.

I get how you feel as a lone working parent who rents (so nothing to leave kids)

Children have different fathers
1 will inherit from hers.
1 has had no contact with father for 30 years so won't have that.

Your poor children.

What happens if you need paid for care when you are older? Do you expect your dd to over that?

Out of interest what is wrong with your db and why does he need pandering to? Won't he feel it patronising if he prevents his niece and nephew from inheriting family money?

What is your db's profession that he earns so little in middle age? Does he have diagnosed mental health problems, a disability or is he long term ill? Or is he neuro divergent? Does he have debts? Gambling problem? Addictions?

A functioning adult without the above difficulties should not be pandered to.

Why if your (future?) grand children end up with significant needs?

Personally I have more respect for someone who follows their passion and loves what they do, than I have for someone who hates what they do but puts up with it so they can call themselves “rich” as you have done.

Personally I have more respect for someone who is financially independent and able to support themselves, covering their expenses and living needs without relying on others for financial support, unless they can't due to illness or disability, of course. Because if you follow your passion but rely on other people to support you financially, you are nothing but a freeloader.

This is one of the most sensible post on this thread though there are many.

My Dad is/was a lawyer. A corporate lawyer but he did a lot of wills and estates for friends/families/employees etc pro bono. He always says that even families of whom you would never expect it can fall out over money. Not because they are greedy but things can happen: someone can need medical care, one of the kids needs a special school, someone else’s partner can be difficult etc etc. Based on his experience he was always determined to split his assets totally equally between his children.

If OP shared why her brother and son are struggling so much with money, it might be more relatable but from what I'm getting form her posts, apart form being cranky with some posters, this is about selective generosity (a.k.a. playing favourites), bias and double standards.

@Fetafettish you say things like "I don’t equate money with love" yet your plan suggest you believe money is a way to show care and support. You're using a moral high ground (“I’m not materialistic”) while also using family money as a tool to direct your care.

Not sure if this is a martyr complex, plain old virtue signalling or wanting to appear noble or selfless.

You seem blinkered and irresponsible about the potential harm of giving money to someone who's not very good with managing their finances. By giving your brother money you're enabling his dysfunction and possibly setting him up to burn through more and more resources without any accountability.

It’s not even your money you’re trying to control. But what makes it worse is the hypocrisy, you say money doesn’t matter to you, yet you're the one making judgments about who deserves it. You can’t act above it all while trying to control where it goes.

When you try and control things, OP, there can be unintended consequences.

What if your future SIL is pissed if that you are de-prioritising your Dd in favour of your brother and your Ds because you are expecting him to use his money to support your Dd?

I chose a low paying career that I love, my brother is much wealthier. I would be irritated and upset if family started meddling with the ‘natural order’ which is that parents treat their kids equally.

Leave your Mum to make her own decisions about her legacy, stop making assumptions about your SIL to be and basing decisions on things which are not your business to interfere in or presume on (his parents’ money)

However, you seem hell bent.

It’s not even your money you’re trying to control. But what makes it worse is the hypocrisy, you say money doesn’t matter to you, yet you're the one making judgments about who deserves it. You can’t act above it all while trying to control where it goes.

Got it in one, @ConnieOrBonnie

Dh is retiring early and we will have no concerns about paying for care. My db has none of the issues you mention and I wouldn’t dream of telling you his profession. Suffice to say that some people just do better than others- or haven’t you noticed?

Helping an adult child who is struggling is not “pandering” to them. One can only hope if you have children that they never need any help!

I'd advise your mum to split it evenly among you, DB, DD, and DS. Then you can give your share to DS if you wish.

(As an aside, if your DD's fiancé hasn't already broached the subject of a prenup, I'd not be holding my breath until he does. It would be extremely foolish for him to marry and expose himself and his business to the financial risk arising from divorce. Make sure your DD has her own independent legal advice if a prenup is suggested.)

😂😂😂

I’d never put a sibling’s interests above my kids', and I’d never interfere in my parents’ finances, it's presumptuous. You are crossing both those lines.

Anyway, finally, I see what's really going on here now. Hats off OP, you had us going for a while!

I usually pride myself on a top-notch nonsense detector, but I walked right into this one.

Have fun @Fetafettish there's nowt so queer as folk 😉

My ds doesn’t struggle presently with money- he still lives at home. The career path he’s chosen isn’t one that pays badly, nor does it pay very well. Of course that’s his choice but why should he not be helped if possible? I’m not going to give your misguided analysis of me any credence.

My brother has no dysfunction he has simply been unlucky. No poor decisions, just luck. And finally, at no point have I claimed my dm’s money is my money- what a ridiculous thing to insinuate.

I hadn’t anticipated what an emotive topic this is for some- it seems to have highlighted a lot of bitterness and resentment so I won’t be commenting again.. some of the replies have been balanced and intelligent so thank you for these.

You wouldn't dream of telling the internet someone's profession, but you've got no issue telling everyone that your daughter is about to marry money and your sons partner doesn't earn enough money and what your mum is doing with her will and her money and how much better you are than everyone because you don't equate money with love but can clearly see who deserves it more?

But your brothers type of work, oh no that's too far.

it seems to have highlighted a lot of bitterness and resentment so I won’t be commenting again..

Mission accomplished, you got the reaction you were aiming for. It’s obvious the post was designed to provoke resentment, not genuine discussion. Stepping back now is probably for the best, for everyone.

I have 3 children eldest DS has worked hard through school saved and saved and done well with career etc. Middle child DD messed about at school, gotvin trouble failed her exams had a baby at 21 and got handed a council house, youngest DS like his brother has worked hard working a part time job while doing exams and on course for good job prospects etc.
Under no circumstances would I give my DD a bigger handout than the boys they will all get equal shares as they are equal in my eyes. The lives they picked are what they have chosen for themselves This was a discussion my DD tried to push a year ago saying she was poor in relation to the boys so should get a larger inheritance. My husband and I both very firmly told her that was because of her choices, she still fritters her money on tattoos and beauty treatments were as the boys are thrifty. So her choices will not affect her brothers.

My parents left their estate equally to me and my brother. Thank goodness. Because I would have been furious and hurt if they had not done this. It would certainly have affected my relationship with my sibling.

What is he dumps her? Or makes her sign a pre nuptial or they never get married? I think u are heading down a slippery slope.

Hi op,

You can’t know what will happen…

Also, and it is a biggie…it has nothing to do with fate…it is THEIR choice. Literally. So, I am not quite sure how you can contemplate being openly unhappy about their future spouse financial situations :/

I seriously hope you reconsider your feelings and put them in check before they go and break relationships and will not be repaired when gc might be around.

Wish them well. Keep your door open if they need. Only compliment them.

I think it's all got to be equal. Mumsnet is full of stories of people feeling resentful about unequal inheritances and as everyone is saying, nobody knows what the future may hold!

I think your mum.should divide her estate equally between her two children. If you then decide to help your brother you can

Something has really triggered you. I don’t see any reason why are you so rude and overconfident in your analysis of someone you don’t know at all.

I’m with you Op - you are sensible and considering options to get the best possible outcome for your family … it’s wise to plan ahead and support each others decisions - some people just look at everything from a negative view point - probably based on their own family circumstances so just can’t see how your family dynamics work - you will do the right thing for your family as you know them best … open honest communication is all it takes - so trust yourself and good luck