My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

I live in a family, like this. I am only child - My parents are minted but started off my life as homeless and pregnant at the age of 20. My partner stood by me through all of it and he wasn't a millionaire. Money cannot buy you class, morals, love, or time. I say this as someone who is also now well-off. I have been on both sides.

If your son and his partner love one another deeply, respect one another, and live as equals - He will be just fine. Being rich really doesn't make you mentally happy; just materialistically happy. Again, I am now a high-flying career woman with 2x degrees, 3 kids, 3 dogs, my own house I needed help to get because I bought it off the council, but it's mine and I don't have to say thank you to anyone. Everything I have, I have earned - Therefor, I value it much more than anything I would have had handed to me.

Careers are not that predictable. You don't realistically know how their earning power will pan out over time. Either or both could change path, or discover new avenues that exponentially change things. With the advent of AI, in the medium-term very few people will be working in roles that we know now. You can no more predict this than you can predict how your daughter's marriage will fare.

Treat them equally and encourage them to support and resepct each pother. That way, if either one ends up at a substantial advantage in future, they may well help the other out voluntarily. I would absolutely want to do that for either of my siblings if I could, but an unequal will from my parents would really hurt.

In large people prefer to have choices rather than they be taken away. Even if one persons views are that money doesn’t equate love, you could alter that very core belief by your suggestions to your mother. Even the best well meaning intentions often don’t translate to that as things filter down through time.

I would ask her to leave half to you and half to your brother. You can then decide how to divide this between your children. Maybe give your son his half straight away and keep your daughters for her for a rainy day? Hopefully she won't hold a grudge bearing in mind she is currently in a fortunate position. Don't put your mum in a position of having to choose between her kids and grandkids. You should take on that responsibility.

Why are you telling your mum what to do with her money? Just live your live as if there isn’t any inheritance, it’s none of your business

It’s interesting how people see things differently - I would be delighted one of my children will have financial security why want them both to have that insecurity of low income,

Get her to leave money to you then you make the judgment when they are older no one knows what might happen

You never know what the future holds.
She should equally divide between her children, one of which is yourself. Then you can help your own children if you don’t need the money yourself.

I'm so glad I have little to leave!

You are totally out of order in my opinion. My dh’s family always excluded him because we were better off than his two sisters. Dh really resented it and felt they had always had an easier ride than him.

You should treat your children the same, it’s not dd’s fault she has chosen someone with better prospects, your ds has had the same options, you cannot technically exclude your dd from your mums will to ‘even’ things up. They are adults now, let them get on with life on an equal footing, not manipulated by you!

Just split it 50/50 between both her children. Then the children can choose how they want to give to their children.
Anything else will just cause a rift.
My mum and dad were 50/50 with us and it ran like clockwork.
Doesnt matter if one kids is better off. It's the principle behind it.

It’s not them that need the sense to see what is right or wrong about all this!

I agree with this.
Lives can change, dramatically. There really are no guarantees.

We're still waiting for DH to inherit the empire over twenty years later whilst I've lost both my parents. You can't predict what will happen for your kids. However, inheritance needs to be equal and not based on what you think their futures might be.

Trying to equalise people’s circumstances via inheritance is never going to work. Some people are born more intelligent/ beautiful than their siblings. Some marry money. Some people fritter their chances. People are responsible for their own life choices and there are sadly no guarantees. The fairest thing to do in my opinion is share everything equally between siblings; it can cause family rifts if you don’t. If you want to direct your share equally towards your offspring you could do that.

This. It would be absolutely insane to effectively disinherit your daughter because she might marry a man who might inherit a lot of money. Insane.

Your post reeks of sexism. Your daughter isn’t even married to the potential multimillionaire as yet. My sister will always be better off than me and I would be upset if my parents decided to give me more of the inheritance. It should be split equally, regardless.

But there’s no guarantee the daughter will have financial security - this is all assuming that her boyfriend inherits a lot and that he will actually share it and not insist on a prenup, for example, even if they do stay together.

My grandfather gave my parents the money towards a house, in London. They never had a mortgage As he thought he’d done enough for my father, he left everything in trust to me and my brother.

This caused nearly 20 years of resentment in my father, who felt slighted by his father. Eventually, my brother and I agreed to break the trust and split what was in it three ways.

I would always advise anyone to leave their assets equally among their children. Otherwise, it risks setting up a lifetime of resentment!

My Grandad, retired and then decided to spend all his money before he died (after his wife died of Parkinson's). This is going back a bit, but he went on the Orient Express and on Concorde and took my mum on some of it. He lived in a council house and died with about 3k left in his account. I don't think my mum was bitter and we grandkids got his VCR when he died and as it was the early 80's we thought we were rich beyond our wildest dreams being able to record Top of the Pops. I realise this is no help whatsoever, but I've never had anything given to me and had to graft for everything. It makes you a better person to live within your earned means.

I would say that if your DM leaves some money in her will to your DS perhaps she could leave a piece of jewellery or a painting or such to your DD so that she feels acknowledge.

OP, apologies, I am not being mean here - but it looks to me you are somewhat jealous of what you perceive as your daughter's lucky cards.
You are trying to punish her, perhaps even uncounciasly.
As many have said - there is absolutely zero certainty she will see any of that boyfriend's inheritance money.

you say ‘money doesn’t resemble love’. Yes, ideally. But if money is not given equally to children it can feel as though one is loved less and one loved more. It can also feel as if kids are being punished for success or good fortune. This isn’t always the case but it often is. And then the relationship between the siblings is wrecked, by the parent. My brother is an absolute twat to our family - doesn’t see my mum, me, or his own kids. He’ll still get half the money. I don’t mind that as it’ll go to my lovely niece and nephew eventually. But I would certainly mind if he was given more than me because he’s less successful.

Nobody has a crystal ball. As several pp have suggested best thing is she splits it equally between uou and your brother, any arbitrary proportioning of anything is a highway to he'll...often siblings' partners, I.e. of the deceassed's children are the ones who want to fight/ contest a will....even stevens everytime

I’m in a somewhat similar situation, I have a high paying job in the City and my sister is a teacher. Regardless of our wealth, my parents (divorced) are both leaving us equal shares in their wills (even though I don’t need it). They said they have always treated us and loved us equally in life and that won’t change in death.

Summary: don’t interfere, multi-million pound businesses can go bust, etc.