My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

You should talk to them together about this - it may well be, that your dd is receptive to the idea of dividing inheritance unequal to help her brother out.

Children should be treated fairly or it causes rifts. You have no idea what the future holds.

Jesus, anything could happen to your daughter's engagement. He could ringfence the money for a start.

Unfortunately when people leave money unequally, it always looks like they loved one person
more than another and it can cause rifts that do not heal. If you don't want your half then ask your mum to leave your share equally to each of your children. What she does is up to her but don't encouage her to leave your daughter out just because her boyfriend (NOT her husband) might inherit money.

I do think this comes down to deep rooted stereotypes , if your daughter and sons positions were swapped I doubt you’d be as concerned for your daughter as you appear to be for your son. Your son sounds like he can and will forge a perfectly good income and life for himself gifting him and not your daughter will only draw attention to his perceived failure in your eyes

I think equal split is the only fair option. Why should someone be punished for making good choices. It is massively unfair for your daughter to miss out.

Tbh your mom I think should share her estate evenly and fairly. None of us know what is round the corner and it doesn’t do to act like god with judgement. I had the same with my mum. I was relatively hard up compared to my brother but she had two children and she shared her estate. ( and gave legacies to grandchildren) I am in the same boat but will share my largesse equally between my two. It’s only fair. As far as anything is fair.

A slightly similar situation happened to some relatives of mine. Essentially, a person said they didn’t need to be left any money as they had enough and so it was all left to other siblings. The person then lost all their money and had nothing.

I think your mum should split her money 50:50 between you and your brother then you can decide what to do with it. I also agree with other posters you should give the same to your daughter that you give to your son.

I think your mum should split her estate equally between you and your brother. Then you can decide what you want to do with your share .

This is such a good point - if my parents had given me more because “I’d be unlikely to ever afford a home”, I’d have been hugely offended in the charity.

Maybe you could say you've reconsidered and that you would actually like her to leave you a share and then explain that you could then share the money between your children depending on their circumstances at the time?

It’s up to her. But being fair, inheritances should be equal- it’s up to the grandchildren if they want to help each other out.

Omg OP!!!! You are out of order.

If your mum asks you could say to her - she is very welcome to leave money to your children but please treat them EQUALLY.

What if your DD breaks up with her partner or they go bankrupt or something? Or your DS wins the lottery…. You don’t have a crystal ball and treating your children that way is appalling. It will cause a huge rift because it’s not just about the money. It’s about them being treated the same by their grandma.

I understand your dilemma, and your reasoning, but I don't agree with it. That's because I have personal experience of doing things unequally, even though the motive is laudable.

I have two DDs. The elder one married a lovely man and has two beautiful children. The younger one had a traumatic split with her fiance in her early 30s which cost her a lot of money. We bailed her out to the tune of £50k in order for her to buy his share in their flat - with the full approval of her sister. Fortunately the younger DD found a new man (now married) but was unable to conceive naturally - so we also gave them substantial additional money towards IVF (which has not yet worked after 3 rounds) - again with the full approval of her sister.

Only last week elder DD (now 45) was served with her redundancy notice. She is the main breadwinner, earning a very high wage. She has also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and may not work again. Her DH earns minimum wage.

How I wish I had not helped younger DD with so much money that I am now not able to do the same for my elder DD.

I add that there is no resentment from elder DD, it is me with the regrets.

My point is (as several others have said) you just don't know what the future will hold for your children (or yourself), so with hindsight I would say keep everything equal. Unless you are very wealthy it could all go pearshaped if they are treated differently.

So I think it’s back to basics. Your parents should leave their estate equally to you and your brother. You both then decided what you do with that when the time comes. I would also suggest you then leave your half to both your children equally. Their social statuses shouldn’t matter. There will be resentment otherwise.

My younger sister married well. Her husband earns a substantial amount of money as well as bonuses throughout the year. They live a very affluent life with their one child. Fly wherever they want whenever they want. I on the other hand married and divorced and am now a single parent to 2 children working part time md being topped up by UC. My dad died and we inherited equally (no will so intestate and was automatically then split). She doesn’t really need the money and has put some in her pension and then gave a large sum to a charity close to her heart. Has probably kept some. I paid off my mortgage and all my debts so can live comfortably compared to if my dad hadn’t passed away - I was about to have my mortgage treble with interest rates going up and not actually being able to afford it anymore. So every cloud and that.

My mum is still alive but will also be leaving her estate to us equally as well as some specific amounts to grand children and nieces and nephews - her choice. I will probably end up living in my mum’s house and renting half of it from my sister when the time comes. My house might sell and pay some towards buying her out but not likely enough for her full half. I think she would rather we sell the property as she thinks that it would be too much upkeep for me on my own single income. Maybe. Time will tell

At no point has anyone decided my sister shouldn’t inherit because she’s extremely well off so that I get the money to make my life easier. I’m not sure if I’d even want her to gift her half to me )I don’t think she would) as I would always feel like I owed her.

No one’s future male or female should be based on their partners only their own capacity and ability. On basis of what you said they have both worked hard just met different people. Split equally then it’s up to your DD if she wants to take less- could be 20-30 years from now.

Your DS could have chosen not to get involved with someone earning min wage and no future earning power. His choice his life.
I do think you should reconsider your dm’s inheritance, though.

I have a in-law relative who has done nothing but take. Divorced bad investments given up businesses bad loans never repaid. Almost 60 and still expects to be bailed out. The best experience and life skill is to let them make their own way in life post Uni. Like adults.

I think it’s generally a terrible idea to disinherit a child, or to skip generations when making your will. Obviously your mother can do what she wants, but if she’s asking your advice I think you should strongly suggest she leaves her estate equally between you and your brother. Then you can choose to help out your son if you feel that’s appropriate. Anything else is just asking for resentment and rifts.

YABU
Absolutely anything can happen. You never know what’s round the corner. The fairest way is for for mum to leave her estate split 50:50 between you and your brother. For you to leave your estate 50:50 between your two children.

They will honestly not thank you for interfering and trying to ‘make things fair’.

Then I think the right thing would be to suggest she leave’s something to both of them.

What she chooses to do is up to her. But I don’t think it’s right to only ask her to leave something to your DS, just because your DD has landed on her feet currently with the man she’s chosen to be with. There’s no guarantee they’ll definitely get married or stay together.

And if she does have some inheritance, that’s something she may want to keep, should her and her partner split, to help her be more financially secure.

In my experience:

1. Siblings and offspring may not tell their families accurately what they do or don’t have or earn. In fairness why should they when they are adults, but it’s been known to happen one offspring feel they are more entitled to their parents estate than their sibling…
2. it’s wonderful your DC have met their loves. In your DD’s example, I have a cousin in a similar arrangement and although she enjoys lots of 1st or business class travel amongst family owned properties, she personally would not have benefited should something have happened to their marriage early on. Since having children, certain measures were put in place to ensure the children and her were well provided until the children were of age to leave. There’s a token sum being given to her as separate settlement for her to own a property, in conjunction with what she took into the relationship, but by no means would this see her sorted into the same financial position she enjoys being part of that family. Assets are tied up in international companies and the like, much harder to break open than newish trusts.

my belief is to distribute estates equally. If one benefactor wants to address inequity with their siblings, then it’s up to them how they proceed.

Personally and again from my experience, if the amount was substantial I wouldn’t be giving it in cash, rather provide for housing or long term additional income where the original amount cannot be cashed in.

I don't think you can go wrong treating them equally. Their lives outside of this should be irrelevant to the will, it will cause resentment otherwise.

mum Should do what she likes with her money. It’s not your place to advise or advocate for your children in her will.
how do you know your daughter is about to become engaged? Did the boyfriend give you the heads up? Even if they don’t divorce, his parents will likely insist on a prenup so your daughter being married to someone well off would come with imitations!
If I were your Mum I would split the money equally between her children (irrespective of who needs it more) ie you and your brother and you can do whatever you wish with your share!
not sure why you are saying you don’t need it when clearly you acknowledge your daughter will only be well off if she married well and your son won’t be! If you didn’t need the money surely neither of your kids would need it as you can provide for them!

I received a much smaller share of a parent’s will. My sibling got the lion’s share but I knew that was going to happen. It hurt me a bit but I saw the reasons behind that decision and my sibling made the absolute best possible use of that money. There was no rift and we are still close. Sometimes there’s a reason for inequality.

Doing anything other than 50/50 can cause so many issues.

I am receiving from my parents more than one sibling, less than another - all been discussed before hand, everyone happy, no troubles, parents at peace that everything will be in order once they're gone.

I cannot fathom either of my parents discussing with their parents what I might receive from them (my grandparents) in their wills. My relationship with my grandparents is nothing to do with my parents. I can't imagine either of them meddling or being so controlling of their children's futures as to prevail on their own parents. If they agreed with their parents (my grandparents) on an unequal split between them and their siblings (ie my uncles and aunts) that would be none of my business (even though it would presumably affect me indirectly one way or another) and I'd have no opinion on it.

But if my Mum told her mum to leave everything to my brother and nothing to me because DH is rich and SIL is on minimum wage: nah, wouldn't be seeing her the same way after that. I'm actually chuckling at the idea of my mum thinking she's the family scion, thinking she's controlling inheritances and futures of generations past and future 😂