My children’s unequal futures

[Fetafettish]

Dd and ds are mid 20’s. They’ve both worked hard and doing well in their chosen fields. Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire, unfortunately sooner rather than later.

Ds’s partner is on minimum wage and they will realistically never own their own home without help.

My mother was talking to me about her will- she is well aware I want her to spend every penny that doesn’t go on care. My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives.

why only your brother instead of your parents give each of you 1/3 part of the house?

Please do not have this 'conversation' with your dc! it is not wise is ill advised. Can you not see or hear how you come across - Grabby, resentful, and calculating.. They will never look at you the same way again, you, THEIR mother. All this is based on who your DD is dating and how much money you've calculated as coming to your DD through him. They're not engaged! What does 'almost engaged' even mean? It's either he has proposed to her or he hasn't; how would you know?

But even if they were married, I've never agreed with splitting inheritances based on what each dc has achieved. People have long lost sight of what it means -Its their Grandmother's last gift to them. Regardless of what each dc has achieved, always split it equally!

What if your DS retrains later in life and gets into a great career? What if he breaks up with his partner and starts dating someone else after you've willed him everything, or hits the jackpot on his own. You're spending all this time trying to second guess your dc futures. The truth is you have no idea how their lives will pan out, and you seem completely ignorant of what an awful chain of resentment you are setting your dc up for that will run through generations. Don't do it!

because you said you told her to leave it to DB and not include you!
obviously there wouldn't be a rift if she's following what you told her to do
that's completely different to you making a decision about your dd on her behalf without her getting any input
perhaps having her own money will make her feel like a more equal participant in the marriage or just a safety net in case she ever had to leave
if she didn't want it she could always give it to her brother, but it should be her choice, not one you make on her behalf.

Life isn't fair, by trying to make it so for your dc by prioritising one over another, you're just opening a can of worms. What if your dd can't have kids and your ds's partner can, how do you make that fair? It already sounds like any kids they do have won't know their dgp on your son-in-law's side whereas your DS's kids might have 2 sets of loving grandparents - money can't make up for that.

If you want your DS to inherit then you should encourage your DD to inherit the same. Her marrying into money doesn’t mean anything. You only have to read the countless threads on here of women who are married to high flying men and they don’t have a pot to piss in themselves because their husband controls it all.

You don’t know what your daughter’s life will be like when she marries this man. You’re making an awful lot of presumptions. FWIW I married into money and MIL has done her best to block any access I would ever have to it. Iron clad wills in place too. She loved me before we married.

um...because presumably the son in law will only inherit when both his parents die (at what sounds like a comparatively young age), so OP would have to be a bit cold-hearted to jump for joy at that prospect!

OP isn't saying it's a pity her daughter will be rich at all, she's saying the circumstances surrounding it (early death) are unfortunate.

yabu treat your kids equally

Disinheriting yourself (and by extension your DC) isn’t the smartest move is it? Yes your DC will need money in the future and no, your DDs future is far from secure just because she’s marrying into money. I can’t believe what I’m reading on here sometimes.

There is a lot of presumptions about what is going to happen,

Leave everything equal and stop giving away your daughter’s inheritance.

What you think is going to happen is not in reality what will happen

It's always best to divide assets equally between DC. If one DC wishes to offer extra to a sibling that is their choice. No one can see into the future.

What if the empire falls and leaves nothing? Just treat them equally, that is fair.

Interesting thread. In my family, there were two daughters and a son. The son became dependent on the parents following a disastrous attempt at going to University. He had unacknowledged and untreated mental health problems. The daughters left home while still teenagers and the son continued to live at home.

Later, the son developed a life limiting illness. The father died and the mother was left caring for the son, who had been working in a low paid job but was now too ill to do so. The daughters both married and had their own children.

The mother decided to alter her will to leave half of her Estate to the son and 25% to each of the daughters.

There were tensions within the family due to strained relationships from childhood, but the change in the mother's will was accepted. However, neither of the daughters thought the mother loved them equally to the son.

Rationally speaking, money does not equal love. But you cannot rationalise away feelings of disappointment or rejection when it comes to a sibling being treated more favourably in a parent's Will.

It's also true that nobody can see into the future. In this case, the son died before the mother. When the mother became ill, the daughters shared the care of her and later inherited their shares equally. They acknowledged to one another that the mother had loved them all equally, but that she had materially favoured the brother because of his vulnerability, and that this had made them feel sad and distant from the mother, because they could not express their true and mixed feelings while she was alive.

Trying to divide an inheritance between children based on your imagined assessment of their future needs is a big mistake. It is far better to give them equal shares in every case. If one of them turns out to have a greater need, the person giving the gift doesn't need to make decisions about that in advance. Indeed the person giving the gift will never know who has the greater need after they have died.

And that’s great. I really hope your daughter sees it the same way. Punished for success or ‘marrying well’ may well be a bitter pill to swallow for her, whether that’s a rational emotion or not. Far better to divide it equally and then give your daughter the opportunity to give her share to her brother if that is what she wants.

re following your passion, I don’t disagree with you but equally I never wanted to be in a situation where I couldn’t provide everything my children needed. I read/see everywhere about cuts to school budgets, COL crisis, dire NHS wait times etc and am glad that I chose a career where I can bypass those problems. Being wealthy doesn’t make one happy, of course it doesn’t, but it does buy you choice and that is why even at 22, I chose to work in the corporate world (Which I now dislike much less as my level of seniority means my role is now hugely flexible, part time and mainly involves delegation).

Regardless of that, my brother and I both made life choices that resulted in it looking like I would cash out and he would struggle — as is the case with OP’s kids.

It turned out not to be the case.

While OP says her son has worked hard, he’s chosen a career where he won’t earn much, and a partner who also doesn’t have high earning capacity.

The fact that his sister is being penalised as a result (but it’s ok because he earns £5000 and many fine carriages) is hugely unfair and could absolutely lead to her being similarly disadvantaged by comparison in future.

So when the time comes, gift to your sibling. Your choice.

@Fetafettish have you considered whether your daughter wants her entire financial security to be dependent on her (almost) fiancé? Or maybe she might like to have some independence? Many women would prefer to be able to support themselves rather than being dependent on a man.

Yes.. thank you for clarifying!

Me and my sister have ended up having completely different lives. She doesn’t resent me for that and me and DH help her financially when necessary. It will be what it will be, I wouldn’t interfere.

For context, my sister has always gotten more than me for DP because she needed it and I’ve never had a problem with that at all.

I don't really understand this kind of thinking.

Surely the obvious thing to do is to split the money equally between children, and make it clear that the "wealthier" child should feel free to give some or all of their share to the "poorer" sibling if they agree that that's the fairest option?

If the richer one is genuinely happy with an uneven split, you will achieve the same outcome. If they don't want to share it of their own accord, then I think you can reasonably assume that they won't think it's fair for their parents to "even things out" after all!

You know full well that your daughter doesn't have any entitlement to her boyfriends money at all, stop using it as an excuse to favour your son.

OP, when you keep on saying stuff about how you/your children don't equate money with love, it makes me angry because you're looking down your nose at all the previous heartfelt posts about the sting of being disinherited.

I have NEVER once equated money with love. Told my parents to give all the inheritance to my siblings who need it more. But as I wrote earlier, when I unexpectedly received a lot less from my grandma, it still hurt a lot.

I did not covet the money at all, only her last act of sharing, care and provision. Metaphorically it was like her calling my name and cooking me a nice meal one last time. Someone else got it. I didn't. I didn't want the money at all, only the love and remembrance associated with the will. When someone you love deeply is dead and gone you're grasping at straws. It can be irrational. But grief around death is irrational.

And it's a long road alone after someone dies. Thoughts and feelings can be stirred up decades down the road, especially as your life changes but even if not.

Also, I'd not sound so smug about how you've brought your children up, because if your daughter DOES at some point feel this irrational, unexplainable but human niggling whisper that Mum cared less about me, or Mum didn't even care that I might need it now my circumstances have changed, does that mean you have failed at bringing her up?

Also, favouritism or partial treatmwnt even in life affects children (and we are all children around our parents even as adults), what more in death when you're not there to reassure them...

Your mum needs to do what’s right for her in her will - but I wouldn’t advise her to give any to your son. Rather the amount should be split equally between you two and then you do what you see fit with your share

One of my DHs in-laws left a few million to his dc. The one who is a millionaire in his own right then gave his share to his siblings. I think that's the best way to do it.

Stop trying to manipulate this. You are seeing it as morally justified, but it is actually very controlling. If your daughter wants to help her brother out with money she can decide to do that. If she is happy to do it, she doesn’t need you to force her hand.

You also have no idea how their lives will pan out.

And have my parents going to their death worried for their child? They love us both equally but they don’t worry about me, they don’t have to. This way they know we BOTH will be ok. I want that for them. And btw me and my bother don’t even get along, that doesn’t mean I want to see him struggle forever, and tbh it’s more a kindness to my parents than him. And yes he has received much more financial support through the years than me which I am also happy. Why would I want my parents money that I don’t need just in the name of “fairness”. I think problems arise when people don’t know what’s coming and find out about an unequal will when the time comes. If discussed and explained reasons and if everyone is happy with it then I think it’s fine.

I get the impression and op had yet to correct anyone when raised on here, that she does not give a damn how her daughters life might turn out, over and over again she has ignored that point and persists with her view that her son is deserving of extra money/inheritance and respect for his noble choice. It is rare to see such blatant favouritism.