I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

This is great advice.
OP, I get it. My own mum is very emotionally immature (I’m sure there’s an undiagnosed MH issue there too) and since DF passed away it’s become ever more difficult to handle her. I feel sorry for her, elderly and living alone, so I keep in very regular contact, which is why the well-meaning advice not to tell her about holidays until the last minute simply won’t work for me.
I decided we just wouldn’t take her on our family holidays, because if we do it once she’ll expect it going forward. The ongoing issue I have is the sulking that happens whenever we do go on holiday, the poor-me, the silent treatment. While I can grey rock like a pro, it’s impossible to not be frustrated.
I hope you can find the strength to see that you don’t need to feel guilty about anything.

Have you read 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults' by Lyndsay Gibson. It's brilliant.

She’s trained you well.

You really do need to break free. She sounds dreadful. Think about what you want your kids’ ’ memories of holidays to be. Your husband sounds like a saint!

Surely OP taking her DM on a short break is a great solution?

What is this recent attitude that anyone we find difficult or anyone selfish needs to be just labelled and cut out of our lives.

What are we teaching our children, that in life we only need to deal with people we find easy.

Upthread I agreed that a family holiday is too much and a few days with her mum would give OPs DM something to look forward too and keep the family holiday free.

I’m in this situation with a tricky DM but never in a million years would I just ignore her or cut her out. She raised me and yes shes become a difficult self absorbed, old woman, but that’s not a reason for me to cut her out and be unkind. I can do 3 days of pandering.

We do these things because sometimes we put up with unpleasant behaviour from people we love because we understand they are old, sick , disappointed etc. We don’t put up with abuse but dealing with a demanding OAP for a couple of days kills no one.

We do these things because we are modelling love and kind behaviour for your children (with boundaries!) They see that granny is too difficult to take on the family holiday but mummy understands granny is old so takes her away for a few days.

My teenagers are unpleasant and narcisstic but I still take them on holiday and so being nice to the woman that raised me might be difficult but it’s just decent behaviour.

All the posters here saying cut her out , don’t tell her etc she’s a narcissist will get old one day and I hope they have the self awareness to be the perfect companion, because their children will want nothing to do with anyone who isn’t just perfect.!!

I get silent treatment too around holidays. 80 yr olds are set in their ways. You cant give in as they want go yearly then. I find when you bring others away its not a rest.

you are dismissing how the OP describes her mother

not difficult

but narcissistic, manipulative, BPD, highly critical

I’m inclined to believe the OP

I have, and it stopped me in my tracks. While I always knew mum was not like other mums, I was 42 when I read the book and it all suddenly made sense. I was quite angry too, realising that much of my anxiety was rooted in the way she treated me as a child.

@Littlelambsy I couldn’t agree more. Granny is a PITA and self absorbed.
@Cellotaped So if we are saying that in life we only deal with perfect people, and our own feeling always, always come first , then we will raise a generation of raging selfish narcissists.

By all means protect the boundries with no holiday but your response is very much extreme.

Honestly, when I speak to my friends (50s, parents in late 70s, 80s) probably only half the mothers are not critical, difficult etc.

The sweet old granny’s seem to be few and far between. In a group of 10 I think only 3 could be described as functional, supportive etc. another 3 are somewhat tricky and 4 are just really hard work - including my own DM.

Grief, illness, general old age, caring responsibilities can all take their toll ! I’m not dismissing the OP but the cranky demanding old granny is a cliche for a reason.

Good grief

you are wilfully ignoring how the OP describes her mother
narcissistic
manipulative
highly critical
BPD

and you dismiss as a bit tricky

telling

Do you have children @Tindelle ?

I have the combination of someone who presents as sweet, timid and caring, but is in fact someone deeply angry, resentful, disappointed and completely unaware of any of this.

Yes I do, 3 teens.

I’ve done one holiday with them and my DM and it was a disaster. Kids didn’t mind it so much , but I found dealing with my DM too difficult. I now take her away separately for a few days and it works, not exactly easy but it works.

Yes, that’s pretty common. Our mothers are still one of the big topics of conversation - in our 50s!!!!!

I think what’s telling @Cellotaped is that I have done the work and the therapy to untangle my relationship with my mother.

I understand who she is but I’m not going to attempt to label her. I also understand that she is the product of her upbringing and that it’s quite sad that she hasn’t tried or hasn’t been able to work past this.

I have chosen to put my needs first but also choose kindness so I have boundaries but I also meet my mother where she is at.

I do the short break because it genuinely means so much to her (even if it’s only so she can tell her friends) and costs me so little in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve very firm boundaries, and I’ve done this because I’ve chosen to do the work and move past my mother’s behaviour in a positive way. I’ve chosen light, kindness and happiness, not bitterness, anger and coldness. I’m so unlike my mother, she actually remarks upon it (she thinks this is a criticism, I know otherwise)

It works for me.

Well, bluntly, we know they’re likely to die before too many more years, so it’s a matter of ‘Do I try to resolve things for myself by trying to have an honest conversation, or just hold out and go along with her delusions for a bit longer?’ I think that’s the ongoing dilemma for anyone with difficult, ageing parents.

We all got on really well with my mum but still hers and our needs were quite different on a family holiday. I would go away with her for a few days separately on our own, and now she is gone I'm so glad we had that nice quality time together. But in this case I'd suggest M needs to find someone else to go with!

They are not a generation to self reflect so I think just go along with the delusions. Like you say, they haven’t long left

Just say no.

stop being a people pleaser.

Ffs, could you be any more ageist?

From what I've read on here, the toxic and demanding elderly parents seem to get treated better than the more self-sufficient and easy going parents, as their adult children are scared of the consequences of not caving into the demands of the selfish parents, but they don't get any push-back from the kinder, more easy going parents.

It's like when people wonder why bullies seem to have more friends, it's because people of scared of the consequences of ending the friendship or not pandering to the bully.

If elderly parents were cruel and uncaring during their children's childhoods and manipulative and demanding to their adult children and grandchildren, they aren't owed and don't deserve any care or kindness from their adult children.

I hear you, and one of my sisters has made this decision, but sees our parents far less. I go back and forth. There’s one answer I would like from my mother to a question about something horrible that happened to me as a child which would really help me move on, but that will involve puncturing her delusions.

Stop telling her any ideas or plans just book them and don’t tell her.
I am assuming you speak to her daily or at least a few times a week just don’t say anything until the day you are going and once your away don’t have any communication with her because she will 100% guilt trip you and be awful by the sounds of her
go and enjoy a holiday with your DH and kids

My mum drops hints about the holidays I go on with my husband, sometimes we take our grown up daughter to treat her. She’s now dropping hints regards to a cruise, I’ve told her straight it’s not my scene, she’s also trying it on with my sister in law.

She has a knack of making you feel as if it’s your duty to take her away since my dad passed, many years ago. She had a travel companion, but she’d had enough of my mother, we refer to her as Hyacinth Bucket. She’s told so many lies, even telling people she was a nurse when she was a HCA.

I would never put upon my daughter like she does with me, probably why I get on so well with mine. She once told me she’s jealous of all the fabulous holidays I’ve been on with my family. Mothers shouldn’t be jealous, they should be happy that their children are enjoying their lives, she’s a bitter woman, and quite honestly no one enjoys visiting her 🤷‍♀️

Same here snippit I do not entertain it. We save hard for breaks. Im tired mentally I work in autism unit. My hol is not for more caring. My mother does moods then. Find in my 50s i havent energy dealing with her. If people take parents away they prob zero hassle