I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Keep it to smaller weekend trips and do not mention the ones whete you all want to go away for longer.

Wrecking the enjoyment of everyone on the holiday and therefore blowing however many hundreds or thousands of pounds it cost is not being kind. Just because she is your mother she doesn't own you and you don't owe her anything. If someone is a genuine twat to everyone around them they deserve what they get IMO, their behaviour is their choice and choices come with consequences.

My mum has a very similar diagnosis. And caused very similar problems for me for years. Including after my two kids came along. I eventually cut her off 7 years ago. Not saying this will be the best solution for you. But you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You are responsible for your children's happiness. If she is ruining your family holidays, then she doesn't get invited. I know it's not easy to say no. And she'll likely kick off, or stop speaking to you. So be it. Keep her at arms length. Prioritise your own peace. You've shown kindness by letting her tag along knowing that she is feeling lonely, she showed no appreciation for it. So don't do it again.

Your dm has got very used to having a tantrum and getting her own way. The only way to deal with her is treat her like a toddler and ignore the tantrum, then cheerfully get on with your day.

You've had lots of great advice. You cannot control her actions but you can control your reaction. Think about it logically. She was utterly ridiculous to insist you and your wet children stay out to suit her. In that situation you backed down to avoid an uncomfortable situation which you didn't cause. Next time something similar happens with her, let her have her strop / tantrum and just totally ignore her.

Practice saying things like "I'm sorry you feel that way Mum but the kids need a break" "I'm too tired for that today but you go ahead" I'm sorry but ai'm not really interested in that" Actually, I want to go and spend some time with dh this afternoon"

Bless you, my mother sounds very similar, as do I. I don't like to be unkind, but she isn't easy.
I think that I would be upfront with her and say that you need time as a family on holiday and that you will go away on your main holiday without her each year. Tell her that you are happy to join her on short holidays that she wishes to book. For example, if she were to book a holiday cottage in the UK for a few days, you are the kids could join her in the school holidays. I would also be asking her whether she has considered going away with friends or other family members. My mother doesn't make much of an effort with others. She's a bit anxious/ shy so finds it harder work (which most people do when holidaying with friends). I'm the easiest option for her as she doesn't have to modify her behaviour as much when she's around me. However, you do have to draw boundaries. She got to enjoy family holidays when she was younger. I would also remind her of that.

Sorry, you're an adult, grow up. You know what she's like. Its simple, don't tell her your plans. Put your children first, not her.

If you want the odd day with her, plan those, but anything else it's non of her business. Live your life, not hers.

I went for yabu because you are giving her the option of inviting herself into your holiday plans. You need to say NO for your kids and yourselves. Just say no.
You are already being kind by including her in shorter trips.

As many have said, just don't tell her your plans (or at least not till it's too late for her to come).
If you must discuss it, explain that your holiday wishes are not compatible and you don't want her to be unhappy. But you could suggest doing something else another time that she might like.

When my GC were smaller (they're teens now) I always imagined we would love to holiday with them, but I know we aren't at all compatible in such situations. Their family is up at dawn and by noon they've already had a busy day, while DH and I have just about managed breakfast! So if we DID go away with them we'd probably only see them for half the day - and even then we'd probably spend a couple of days on our own.

When my DDs were little we occasionally went to the same resort as my parents but we didn't see them every day, or even all day. We all liked our own space.

I do get a bit envious of DD's inlaws whom they often go with for short holidays (3-4 days) but the adults are more compatible and I can see that.

But she is a great DD, and her DH is a great SIL so I have no real complaints.

Plus we do have our own holidays as well, on our own, so we aren't dependent on them for that.

If one of us becomes widowed, I might feel differently - but as a member of our local u3a I'd go with them on their short holidays, or join a singles tour somewhere.

I think you're entitled to your own family holidays and mum will have to accept that.

Don't tell her your plans and if she finds out tell her your hubby organised it this year and surprised you

You could get her info on solo and senior trips and she could go make friends

My mum is a bit like this and I've just learned to have stronger boundaries.
You have to try abd let go of guilt.
It's perfectly valid to prioritise the needs of your children.. your husband and even yourself over your mother. But mothers like this will make you feel like the worst person in the world fir not centring them.. if you let them make you feel that way.
You need to really understand that she is deeply selfish and has no other way to be. She is always going to try and get you to put her first
So just be firm and understand that you can't please her all the time and yes she will get upset but that's tough titties.
It's not your responsibility. She's a grown woman.
And I bet she prioritised herself not you.. or her own mother.. throughout her life when she was able to.
Just don't feel guilty.
It's nice of you to take her on holiday at all occasionally. You absolutely do not have to include her in every holiday.
If she asks to come you simply say no
No explanation, no opening for a discussion. Just say 'not this time I'm afraid' and mean it. And know she will try and be manipulative and emotional about it but be prayers for it and unmoved by it.
I understand it's your mother and you want her in your life even tho she's like this.. but you need to accept that she isn't going to change. She's not going to turn around and be a reasonable person one day. You will always get shit if you make choices that aren't about her and she doesn't like.. you just have to work on genuinely not giving a shit.
It's hard because she will have raised you as a massive people pleaser so she can manipulate you.
You need to unlearn that. You can't please her abd nor should you. You only get one life. Don't hand it all over in her service.

Don't mention where you are going, if she brings it up be vague, if she presses be honest.
Otherwise you are bound to be miserable.

What's FOG?

To avoid her just sitting waiting for you to do everything, make her get involved in a planning session before you go-get her to suggest what's happening for meals-who is doing what? Do the same with activities-make it clear you want to rest, and that it's fine if she wants to go and do something else. Does your partner's parent/s come? Does she just expect them to do what she wants, or does she treat them as equals? Try to stress to her the necessity for everyone to matter. Sometimes people just don't seem to get this-maybe it's how they were brought up, or a genuine condition. You can get this with friends too, but with family, if it's just been accepted over the years, it can be harder, but in most cases, once people have things pointed out, they can change, and if not, you can just say that it's important for everyone to enjoy their precious time off-we get so little of it! Could you look at getting her to join groups if she has no friends of her own, so she could maybe take some holidays with them?

I'm sorry but I honestly think the mean comments are not helpful. OP needs support not telling off and making her feel worse. Things are never as black and white as most people are saying. I totally get how you are trying to be there for everyone at the detriment to yourself and the overwhelm etc. You definitely need to let your husband know howvyou feel abd get his advice 9n how to navigate this. Good luckbit is a difficult situation.

Fear, obligation and guilt I think

Honestly don't take her.

If she's narcissistic, you need to simply see it as a consequence of that. She never learned the life skills to be a social person, therefore loneliness will be the result.

It sounds harsh, but you need to prioritise your own family now, amd making the best of your life since you left a toxic childhood behind.

You might be a natural people pleaser or it might have developed in response to ger narcissism.

Don't ruin any more of your life pandering to it.

I think this is the secret - to do things on your own, or with the parents, whichever works, when you are away. Give each other space.
Many years ago, my daughter, her husband and the two small grandchildren were asked if they’d like to join us for a holiday at a cottage we were booking in the Cotswolds. Before we went, we got together over a meal and sorted out some lighthearted ground rules. For example, I hate cooking, so my daughter and S-I-L who enjoy cooking, offered to cook the evening meals. My husband and I did the shopping and washing up for those meals. We happily looked after our grandchildren some days so that the parents could go off on their own if they wanted to, and could have dinner out together. We quite often went out all together as well.
It was such an amazing holiday that we did it again (in a different place) the following year. Unfortunately, the next year, my husband developed nasty health problems, including being prone to DVTs if he sat for a long time. More than an hour and he would be swollen and in severe pain. That put paid to holidays. They were nice while they lasted though and we were grateful that the family enjoyed being with us.

Send her on a saga tour

You need to get rid of the fear and tell her you want to spend time with your husband and kids. she doesn't need to go on every holiday, tell her that. Tell her she's Bern on the last 2 or whatever holidays and this one is you and your family. Let her sulk if that's what she will do.

How nice that must have been for you and your husband.

I understand your guilt, and how difficult it can be for you to say no. Yes, going back to therapy will help. In the meantime, do not tell her of your holiday plans if you're not strong enough to say 'sorry, it's just the four of us this time,' or 'not this time, but we can do a day trip to...'

You need to let her understand that your family come first and every other thing follows. Start letting your "NO" stand. This is not disrespect but let her know that it's the FACT.

That’s right. Have a go at OP and try to guilt trip her when she has posted asking for help and advice