I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

It's up to your mum to broaden her own life go on singles trips or holidays and make new friends.
You enjoy your young family guilt free they are adults much longer than they are little ones it will go in a flash.
This is your time with your family dont let anyone spoil that for you mum or not . X

So your family will be his wife in other words 😂😂

Honestly just do it a few times. Everyone gets old and needy in some way. Except if he is a horrible person that is of course.

I'd just say that you've booked accommodation for 4 people and she can book separate accommodation, but you'll probably be spending most of the week by the pool which wouldn't be her thing.

I could have written this myself, my DD died several years ago and DM hasn’t met anyone else. They loved their holidays together so it’s something she has really missed. She does go abroad alone but also wants to share the experience so has paid for us to go with her for a good few years. We have enjoyed the holidays but I would just love to have a holiday abroad alone with my DP and DC’s. If we stay in the uk, she doesn’t come so I have taken to doing that. I don’t feel able to not invite her with us if we went abroad though, particularly given she has treated so much.
she can be a challenge when away, likes things her way and is at that stage where she thinks she can just say what she wants about anyone and anything. She can be quite critical at times.
I hope you manage to find some time for yourselves

I go on holiday every second summer or so, with my DD, Dsil and dgss. They invite me and I am very careful not to complain, criticise or take over. I'm always up early so I have breakfast and then go to the pool and swim or read. The family arrive later and I spend time with the boys in the pool and entertaining them. About one o'clock I leave for a siesta and we catch up for dinner in the evening. It works because we are respectful of each others space. Your mum is very out of order.

I put unreasonable because you need to learn to say no. My IL have angled to spend holidays with us for years but we couldn't imagine anything worse. It's difficult but you need to say that it isn't happening.

She perhaps needs to look at companies that offer holidays for solo travellers or use the opportunity to develop some independence and go on holiday by herself.

We went on a dreadful holiday with my parents when my girls were 4 and my son 12 weeks and I swore I’d never go away with them again (mother reminisced through rose tinted glasses until that day she died about “that wonderful holiday in Majorca”)!
However, we did go a few more times with them - including a cruise - because I manned up enough to put down boundaries. Ie, we had breakfast together then did our own thing until drinks on the balcony at 5, or planned certain days that we’d do things together.
Not necessarily helpful, OP, but maybe if your mother knows that you will spend SOME time with her then she’ll let you be for other trips?

If she was living with you then it's a different matter . She is not living with you so why do you have to take her on every holiday
I understand you feel guilty . A bit like me too but I have learnt no matter what you can't please her all the time but I mean she could go with you sometimes but if you don't want her to then don't especially if you won't enjoy your holiday with her around
you have to stand up for yourself .

I completely understand how you feel and why, my mum is also very difficult and feels she has an absolute right to all information regarding my family. Trying to put in boundaries is incredibly difficult, she will lie and manipulate to get what she wants and it is exhausting!
The fear and guilt is so hard to explain to someone with a normal, healthy mum/daughter dynamic.
I now keep my mum at a distance and tell her as little as possible, I keep conversations at surface level only as otherwise things are stored up to use against me in the future.
I have a lot of anger towards my mum and the smear campaigns she has done against me when I displease her but I find it best to manage her rather than go completely no contact as the fall out would be too much for me. My mum feels no guilt about what she has said and done. She is the eternal victim. Therapy has helped me.
I would suggest trying to keep information to yourself and keeping her at a distance as best u can, sending so much love as I know how hard this is x

Yes! This is basically my mother now my father has died she expects to be with me and/or my sister ALL the time! I am currently on hols for a few days, and it has been constant digs from her about how she wishes she was with us. We took her to place we’re at now, last May half term.

She went away with my sister during Easter hols for a few days. That wasn’t enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough for my mother; she is a covert narc so as well as the comments we get the martyr routine, poor little her, all on her own, etc, etc.

She has a gardener and cleaners, and is still mobile. Me and my sister work in education but see her frequently between us. We are seeing her this Saturday when I’m back from hols along with my sister. She loves to play the “poor widow” routine too, telling me and my sister we don’t know what it’s like as we’re not the wife. No shit.

Apparently daughters don’t have any grief.

So no, I don’t feel the remotest ounce of guilt being on this holiday without her. In fact it’s a relief to have some respite from her neediness and needling. Do what you need to do OP for your own mental health!

You explicitly diagnosed the problem: you are a people pleaser. You’re either going to have to not please her, or be miserable. Your choice.

It’s not your problem. Your mum is responsible for her happiness. I am saying this as someone who has spent years in therapy as I grew up feeling responsible for my mums emotions.

Same happened with me and my mum, and I have 2 young children. I made the mistake of inviting my mum to 2 holidays, and honestly it wasn't pleasant, I kept getting angry. I decided to have a little family unit holiday, and told her I want it to just be us, and honestly it was the best holiday ever! I think twice before inviting my mum.

I think you should plan holidays with your mum, just keep them short and sweet, something planned around your mum's needs too, then the rest of the year go with your close family unit

You sound like a lovely person but you’re enabling this behaviour. Stop pleasing everyone else and please you for once. If this means going away without her then so be it. You’re allowed time on your own with your family. She sounds like a massive pain in the arse!

Info diet. She doesn’t need to know your plans

To add: my mother is very similar- she loves travelling, but also expects the itinerary to revolve around her and apparently when I prioritize my child’s needs, I’m pandering (somehow pandering to a grown ass woman is the kind thing?). So she’s no longer privy to our plans unless we want to include her and on our terms only - she gets her own accommodation and has an understanding we are available for x,y,z and roughly what times. The rest of the time she can do whatever she wants without impact on us.

Other people probably wouldn't put up with her expectations, but as family, you're expected to not only accept her behaviour but enable it too. I know its hard but she has to learn to fulfill her own wishes now she's on her own. No reason why you cant take her out occassionally, but when she asks 'can I come' you need to say no and she needs to learn to wait to be invited.

yanbu and I think just inviting her on short trips is a good idea, where you can be more structured. I'd not tell her you were going until just before, and say you got a cheap last minute deal (ideally book a villa with just enough beds for you all, so she can't invite herself). If there's any danger of this just let her know the day before, or text her when you're on the way.

OP - you deserve a holiday without your mother. You need to not talk about holiday ideas or plans in front of her. If you don’t want to tell her that you don’t want her to come on family holidays then you will need to fib. If she asks if you’re going away just say you don’t think so, and when you do go away say you booked a last minute deal. The only way to resolve this in the long term is to tell her that she is welcome on short trips but not full holidays as you have on here.

Why not just book a holiday that would only work for the 4 of you - somewhere that she would would struggle to get an extra room or a last minute flight to etc? That way by the time she has to know about the holiday it wouldn't be possible for her to come anyway? Or, be brave and say 'we just want it to be the 4 of us, it's important we have time away together just focusing on each other.' Or braver still, tell her that she is difficult to travel with, and you don't want to have to run around after her on your long-awaited holiday. If she is as bad as you say it's not fair on your DC and DP to have their holidays marred by the stress, tension and selfish behavior she brings.

Kind to whom? Definitely not you or your children.

Hi OP,

My MIL is divorced and alone and we have felt obligated in the past to take her away with us. I hated it, and DH did too. About 5 years ago Input my foot down. I work hard for my holidays, my son is Autistic with ADHD and needs to know plans ahead of time, in order to negotiate being somewhere new. Trying to make plans and please everyone left me feeling like I never had a holiday. I told my MIL that this is the itinerary for our holiday and when she tried to change plans or disagreed with something I had to be strong and say no DS needs this to happen, in this order on this day. She didn’t like it, so I told her she would need to make her own plans. I also told her that she needed to plan the meals for at least two days whilst we were away and contribute financially to the cost of anything we were doing together. I then used this as a backbone to say we were obviously not compatible for holidaying together and she would need to make her own plans going forward. We have not had to take her for the last 5 years.

Say something. You won’t regret it xx

It's not her decision - she doesn't get the option of being 'absolutely against the idea' of you going away with just your husband and kids!

If you want to include her in long weekends (again, that's your choice) she needs to fit in with your plans, not the other way around.

It's time to put your kids first, not your mother.

Absolutely don't mention the holiday until you have returned from it. Then when she mentions she would've liked to come you can look all shocked and tell her that you assumed from her awful behaviour on the last holiday that she didn't enjoy it at all and you have resolved to keep all holidays seperate for everyone's benefit as a result.
And never back down.
It's a consequence for her own behaviour, don't feel guilty OP.

You’re not obliged to babysit your mum. Either don’t tell her when you’re going away, or say that you’re keeping it just you/partner/kids.