I don’t want my mum to tag along to every holiday

[Birdsongjacky]

My dad is now in a care home, my mum has got a difficult personality (narcissistic/BPD/manipulative - not sure but you get the idea!) and has always had a major obsession with holidays and always been jealous of people on holiday. Since my dad can no longer go away and is only really with us in mind now, she has turned largely to me to take her on holiday with us (I am married with young children). The problem is, the 2 occasions we have taken her have essentially ruined it for me because I am a massive people pleaser and I find it is just another dependent human being who I have to factor in to plans. She doesn’t have the same ideas or priorities as me (my focus is on my children) she’s really demanding about being busy during the day and not returning to the accommodation for a chill or spending the day on the beach when we would prefer the pool etc. the most recent time I wanted to call time on a day out because we were soaked through, the kids were tired and grumpy, and she basically fell out with me for not giving her a full day experience.

any destination I mention she has started saying “can I come?” Which is also really awkward. To make matters worse when she is with us she is very dependent, she doesn’t eg prepare the evening meal, or bring a packed lunch, she sits there expectantly, and it really winds me up.

essentially, I don’t mind incorporating her in to some (shorter) trips, but want to preserve perhaps bigger family holidays to my little family unit, but am just overwhelmed with guilt and fear of telling her we want to go alone.

anyone had something similar?

Would you describe your mother as a narcissist? Manipulative? BPD?

or just tricky?

“It works for me”

And that’s great

but you can’t extrapolate it’s going to work for everyone who views their mother as a narcissist manipulative BPD

OP, your people pleasing and victim mentality when it is pointed out to by posters is sad to read.

As is your clear need to put an awful mother ahead of your husband and children.

You sound young.
But you will mature and you will have huge regrets that you put yourself and your people pleasing needs and your mother, ahead of nice memories for your family and children.

People pleasers often use the term as a get out label, like it is a good thing.

It really isn't.
It's a horrible label where people put their feelings/ ego/what is easier for them, ahead of the feeling of their closest family.

I avoid people pleasers completely.
They never take responsibility for what their need to please anyone, costs those around them.

I consider it a total personality disorder, especially as those that suffer from it are often very resentful people, who then behave like martyrs at the alter of trying to make themselves momentarily feel good.

You feel good saying yes to your mother briefly, your people pleasing hit of dopamine, but then feel resentful because you know she will ruin everything.

Get back into therapy asap.
That is far more important to your family than any holiday.

Sorry if that reads as harsh, but you will hugely regret this behaviour, that only benefits you and your awful mother.

Good post from @Jellyrols.

Don't lie about the booking just say no we are going away as a family this time

I think people want to help you put in boundaries. It's easier when you are doing it for your children's sake than for your own. That's my experience as a former mug anyway.

How do you get to thinking that allowing someone whose company you do not enjoy and whose ideas of what a holiday should be are not compatible with yours is somehow ‘kind’.

If you stopped doing this, you’d mother may indeed discover that she can go on trips designed for solo travellers. Try it.

I can’t really diagnose her and I wouldn’t try. Very difficult, angry and self centred is how I would describe her. I’m not qualified in this so am always loathe to ascribe a condition like a personality disorder.

Not but nor can you say ‘she’s a narc move on’ is the best thing the OP can do or is even the right thing for the OP to do.

I completely understand and sympathise, my MIL is exactly the same.
When the kids were little, she used to come on every holiday, every day trip, which would be ok but she was so, so negative, moany and to top it all all off undermining when it came to parenting.
It came to a point when you just have to get tough for your own sanity though, even though hell temporarily breaks loose.
I mean, I'd be literally shaking as I said no to some things, she'd still push and insist though, and not listen to a word, pretend she's not hearing you and try and steamroller over you. Like a dog with a bone.
Now though, a few years down the line, if she starts her sulking or guilt trips I just think "meh. Your reactions aren't my problem" I hate that it's turned me into that, but there you go 😁
Anyway long story short if you haven't got a close family member like that, you haven't got a bloody clue what it's like, sorry.
Just say no?! If only it was that easy.

As the other poster you're replying to said though, how will that work in reality?!
I think they'd notice if you just went AWOL for a week or two!

"...when you are already feeling really guilty about your own mother?"

Just what is it you feel guilty about?

She isn't nice to you, she's difficult and demanding on holiday, and wants things all her own way.

I'm with a lot of other pp's here, and think that maybe you shouldn't tell her about your holiday plans at all. Just book them for your own family and don't invite her. Present her with a fait accompli. She will be outraged, but so what? Better outraged and at home, than coming with you on holiday and ruining it.

You can always take her with you on days out, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

The OP says her mother wouldn’t talk to her the whole day because she cut short the day for her tired kids. That’s not new behaviour apparently. In a romantic relationship, if you read Women’s Aid or similar, this level of manipulation, and control is emotional abuse. Can you imagine regular situations being ignored because you wouldn’t do what someone wanted? It’s an abuse of power when a parent does it because as a child you have no defences against it and live your life to make them happy. That doesn’t change as an adult. Then it’s used against you by the same parent to force you into doing things you don’t want to.

At work, if your boss ignored you for not doing what they wanted and forced you to spend time with them on your holiday - would you not think that was an abuse of power? Or if your partner ignored you because you didn’t want to have sex or insisted on tagging along when you go meet your friends? Parents don’t get held to a different standard, in fact they have the most power of all in a person’s life.

You have my sympathies , OP

Straight talking seems to be the only way here.

My elderly father has been dropping obvious hints and even openly asking for me, partner and child to go on holiday with him.

He thinks if he pays for it, we will automatically say yes, accept his choice of holiday ( probably a cruise), and be his 24 hrs carer.. from arranging the whole thing , making sure his passport is OK, Packing for him etc etc.

I think he's genuinely non plussed that we don't agree to these holidays , which would be nothing like a holiday for us.

That part.

Shift your mindset OP.

I totally get how u feel, unfortunately I had this with my mother too. She came on every holiday with us as a family of 4. Her behaviour was horrendous. Once she called me out of the pool we had at our holiday home, where I was with my kids and husband, so I would make her lunch which she was quite capable of doing normally. This was the wake up call I needed.
If you’re lucky, u get 18 summer holidays with ur husband and kids. We didn’t get that unfortunately. I now regret all the times I conceded to her behaviour. U are not ur mums travel agent. U and ur family deserve the holiday they want x

I have a Mother with very similar traits and understand how bloody hard it is. I’ve recently learnt for my own sanity and mental health that I have to take accountability and put boundaries in plave for not only myself but for my children and partner. There was guilt on my part but at the end of the day your mental health and making cherished memories with your babies is the most important thing!
You need to work on what you want and your boundaries! You have the power to say no to her it may (probably will) feel uncomfortable for you at first but it will become easier the more you do it! You could even look at groups she could attend or they’re are cruises specially for older single travellers which would work for your mum, she will probably say no and try and guilt trip you but least you tried! You are in control and you need to set the boundaries for your sake and they sake of your family

Very similar situation here although my mum passed away and now my dad is left alone...my siblings just go ahead and book holidays and its left to us to take them. Full sympathy from me.

Gosh I could have written this OP although my mum has been single for years. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Reading with personal interest for the advice!

This is exactly why I blocked my mum and went no contact. Too much pressure and doesn't listen to boundaries. No advice but good luck. Don't tell her future plans

Literally sounds like my mum, we do go away but she needs waiting on so it feels like bringing another child ! Always go all inclusive with her, she pays half. Although not ideal in grateful to spend some time with her, albeit not always the easiest.

hi Op,

gosh sounds exhausting.
something like « it is a holidays for us 3/4/5 this time but we will happily take you next time » ??
also…stop holidaying oh and go for short break of a few days here and there…always in a spur in the moment so she can’t join. Like Friday morning…what are the options? Fab found a good long week end (take Monday off if you can so short notice) and voilà.

Of course there was no option for someone else but you looked and you always wanted to just be a but more spontaneous.