Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

[Faylor]

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

I wouldn't have assumed it was a secret necessarily. A lot of brides seem to be very involved in their hen party planning.

I would never assume that the bride hadn’t been consulted about what they were doing for their own hen do.
I also think a personal message to the bride to apologise for not coming is a lite thing to do.

If the bride is in the group, you'd assumed she'd know about it and be involved in the planning.

Sorry, I edited it to say I had misread your post and it was a separate message to the bride.

Bride was not in the group

Sorry OP, I’m with the others and would have assumed the bride knew about the plans. You needed to say if it was a secret.

The bride set up the group and very obviously left/was kicked out before details were shared. More just sent an intro message and then said “bye, I’m leaving now”

Yep sorry with the others these days many brides dictate what they do / where they go and then exit the group to leave the finer details to the bridesmaids. I think you need to be explicit

I wouldn't assume the whole thing was a surprise. I think almost every hen do I've been to, the bride has usually been surprised with a gift, or things like a matching t shirt (or bikini bottoms, IYKYK) but never any of the activities.

I agree you needed to specifically say 'DONT SAY ANYTHING ITS A SURPRISE'
In caps

People can be in multiple group chats and be going to more than one wedding this summer!

I've never bothered to look at who is in a WhatsApp group I've been added to. I would also assume unless told otherwise that the bride is up to speed on what's happening on her own hen do. Sorry!

Never been to a hen that's a surprise, if there's a surprise element that's always been made very clear on the invitations/WhatsApp

I would not have assumed it was secret unless specifically told so. I've been to hens where the bride knew everything, nothing, or somewhere in between!

Okay fair enough I was the one who messed up

I’ve only been to hens where it’s been a surprise for the hen. Probably affected my judgement

Going against the grain, I 100% would have assumed it WAS a surprise unless told otherwise.
Do you know this girl well OP? Do you think she’s done it intentionally to be spiteful because she can’t go and she’s jealous? Or has it been a genuine oversight and she’s mortified?

No, I wouldn't have assumed it was a surprise for the bride. Especially not a big thing like a festival.

And you didn't state it was a surprise at all, let alone "1000%".

I absolutely detest surprises. If I’d have had a traditional sort of hen event, I’d probably have started the organisation or booking off myself, so I’d definitely have known the plan.

I wouldn't have assumed it was secret, but I would have checked first if I was going to say something to the bride about any of the activities

I think you needed to make it clear it was a secret

Friend’s specified her only requirement was for it to be a surprise 😂

I hold my hands up.

No it wasn’t spiteful, I’m sure. Just miscommunication on all our parts. Starting with me

I have never been to one where any element pf a hen do was a surprise other than of we did a batch of joke presents for the bride so I would have probably said enjoy the massage/cocktail making/paintballing etc when letting a bride know that I was sorry I wouldn't be able to make it.

If the whole event was to be a surprise then when the bride left the group (which I may not have noticed) I would have probably indicated XYZ are to be surprises for the bride so please keep mum.

I assumed people would take context clues of the bride leaving the chat after setting it up and saying “talk amongst yourselves, no strippers etc”

If the bride isn't in the group then they won't know surely?

She was messaged directly

I'd assume that was done deliberately