Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

[Faylor]

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

I would have assumed that the bride knew there was a hen do but not the details. I think it was thoughtless of the friend to message her with details but would have been fine to message her directly to say sorry that she was unable to make it.

You dont need to have been on a surprise hen do to know they happen. Anyone with half a brain can assume if a bride leaves a whatsapp group then she doesnt know the details. Id rather assume she doesnt know, than assume she does. Im not the one spoiling the surprise.

So I have never been on a surprise hen do, it's not a concept I have ever experience, yet somehow I am supposed to know all about it?

And with my tiny little half a brain, as I said earlier, when the Hen left the group (if I even noticed, I'm on roughly a billion group chats) I would assume that is because (as another PP said) she doesn't need or want to be involved in all the discussions of event type/place/date/cost etc. Because she's, you know, planning a wedding!

That would have been me. I have never come across a hen do where the venue is a surprise to the hen.

I am looking forward to the follow-up post in August saying how upset the bride is because she was not consulted on the itinerary and ungrateful the bride is because she complained.

Again as I pointed out a surprise hen do is pretty common, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know they existed just because youve never actually been on one. Iv never been on a cruise, but I know they exist!
Surely everyone knows its best to err on the side of caution in these situations. If you dont know either way whether its a surprise or not, just dont mention the details. Its not difficult to understand.

Hi @HunterHearstHelmsley that doesn’t change what I said.

That’s not what that screenshot from WhatsApp is about at all.

Edited - I can see you updated!

Sorry but you are 100% at fault here. I've never been to a Hen where the bride hasn't know at least where it's happening and 50% or more of what's happening. More fool you.

I'm not a suprise person either so I'd inform my MOH about it when they ask for my friends contact details 😃. Also the lie told usually matches the first part of the day. In my friends case she was asked to attend a family event with her MIL and therefore she was all showered and dressed nice. If the activity would have been paintball then she would have been told something more sporty. Also, hen dos in our social group usually follow the same pattern so you don't really have to be prepared for anything. And all of that being said...are they really a suprise. If you're getting married in the last week of July and it has gotten to mid June 😅

Don't think it was malicious.
And in the nicest possible way there are bigger things in life to worry about. Let it go and just focus on enjoying the occasion.

I did this! Was invited to my friends hen, didn't clock who was/wasn't in the group as there were lots of messages and I messaged her to say "So sorry I can't make it on bla bla date but hope your hen is wonderful". Then had a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK moment when I realised she might not even know about it. I deleted the message quickly but she'd already seen them and said not to worry that she knew the date but no details. Phewph.

It was a stupid ass thing to do but the reason I thought to message her directly is because it felt impersonal messaging the whole group (which I now realise she probably wasn't even in!).

YANBU - every hen I’ve been on has been a surprise for the hen, obvs they know it’s happening but never the details. I’m organising my sister’s hen & even though she’s told me exactly what she wants down to every last detail , it’s still being organized as a ‘surprise’ as far as the rest of the group are concerned

I've never been on a surprise hen do nor have I heard about anyone having a surprise one. Without being told it was a surprise I could have easily done the same. As a private person I'd message the bride my apologies separately rather than share them in a group of randoms. It's easy to miss someone leaving a group or not get why, most people aren't as invested as the bride or maid of honour. Some of us got married before WhatsApp was a thing and didn't plan ours this way.

I wouldn't have necessarily noticed the bride leaving the group, unless you see the first few posts you wouldn't see that happen.

I don't know if I would have sent the same message detailing exactly what you were doing, but equally I wouldn't have assumed it was a surprise. I don't even know how a multi day surprise would work for your average adult? I don't think I have ever been to a suprise hen.

That’s a shame but I don’t think she has done anything wrong unless you specifically said it was a surprise. She was obviously just trying to be courteous.

I wouldn’t make that assumption. No hen do I have been on was a surprise.

This is the thing though op you are organising it but don't know all her friends. She has messaged the bride directly because its her shes there to see.

I certainly would not have assumed it was a secret unless I was expressly told it was a secret. Was she told?

I’ve also seen a mixture from total surprise for the bride to Bride maintains a steely grip on every tiny detail but mostly (thankfully) with the bride in the know to a great degree. However I got married 25 years ago and it’s a long time since I was going to hen dos on a regular basis. Back then there was less fuss and expense, it was just a night out, so I think there was less pressure on the organiser and all round.

It sounds like miscommunication and not the end of the world. You should probably have reiterated it was secret and she should probably have checked. It won’t stop the event being enjoyable in the scheme of things if you don’t let it.

I’m with you on this OP! Every hen do Ive been on has been a surprise for the bride! Location and itinerary only revealed a few weeks before so the bride knows what to pack! She should have asked the organiser if the bride knew if she was unsure!

I voted YANBU and then felt a bit guilty reading the replies... but that's a bit more explicit!

You'd be surprised how much some people need things spelling out for them.

I organised my own hen party abroad, I basically arranged everything so no, not all hen nights involve surprises, I couldn’t think of anything worse as I hate surprises!

Bless you, you sound really nice taking it on the chin.

But yes, you needed to make it explicitly clear if it the whole thing was a secret.

I doubt it was malicious

People have different levels of engagement, what a surprise or hen means, what the bride would like

If I was the bride I wouldn't have let you know the surprise had been spoiled, but now you do know perhaps think of some other elements that could be surprises. And maybe don't tell the group!

No, I think the details are a surprise, like maybe a spa treatment or a few games but the location is normally agreed with the bride unless you specifically state its a big surprise. I'm relatively controlling so I specifically said "1 night out, 1 spa day, here's 3 places I like, here's my guest list" and then MoH organised from that info.