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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

165 replies

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:24

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

OP posts:
Rainbowpony6 · 28/05/2025 13:43

Can you change it ,to come up with a different suprise

babystarsandmoon · 28/05/2025 13:44

It’s not really a shock that an adult would assume the bride knew the plans but I can never understand why a bride needs to be surprised on their own hen.

babystarsandmoon · 28/05/2025 13:45

Rainbowpony6 · 28/05/2025 13:43

Can you change it ,to come up with a different suprise

What a ball ache that would be. Planning a hen is a pain to start with without changing it all.

Octavia64 · 28/05/2025 13:45

I am on six million and one WhatsApp groups many of which I keep on mute unless I need to check dates for an event or similar.

there is absolutely no way I would have noticed the bride leaving the group, or assumed from that that the whole event was a surprise.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 28/05/2025 13:46

I’ve never been to a secret one so I could’ve easily made the mistake too. X

ChoppyChoppy · 28/05/2025 13:48

I don’t think I’d have thought it was a surprise unless I was told. Not sure though. It surely doesn’t matter though. You can surprise her with funny outfits or something instead. I don’t think there is any need for anyone to feel bad about it.

Daisy12Maisie · 28/05/2025 13:49

If I was the bride I would much rather know what was being organised even if it was only a week before just so I could get some bits sorted. Eg wellies for a festival. I don’t think people like surprises where they have absolutely no notice anyway.
It sounds like a lovely hen do away so I’m sure that’s all that matters

GardenGaff · 28/05/2025 13:49

I wouldn’t have noticed the bride leaving the group.

Any groups like this I’ve been in have had a message ‘pinned’ at the top which would say it’s a surprise or a secret or whatever.

Sorry OP, this one’s on you!

user1473878824 · 28/05/2025 13:52

I would literally NEVER assume that a bride knew everything that was going on unless she was planning it herself.

That's literally how hen dos work and always have. The replies to this thread are mainly mental.

WaltzingWaters · 28/05/2025 13:53

What an twat! She was incredibly stupid. Yes, hen do’s are generally a surprise, or at least have surprise elements. Ugh you’re right to be really pissed off.
But yes, you probably should have specified, but equally, she should have kept her mouth shut and just said “sorry, won’t be able to make it, have fun!”

Doggymummar · 28/05/2025 13:53

It's not till August, just do something else.

Hwi · 28/05/2025 13:54

Most of the problems are because people can't keep their gobs shut - we have lost discretion a long time ago. No, you have every right to be annoyed. But like with some people, it is necessary to say 'no, you don't put your feet on the table', it is necessary to say 'be discreet'. Sad state of affairs.

yeesh · 28/05/2025 13:55

If the bride has left the group then I think it’s pretty obvious it is a secret. I think messaging her to say you can’t come is fine but saying the actual activity was a dick move tbh.

Vroooooom · 28/05/2025 13:55

Someone did this and ruined the surprise DH had organised, booked and paid for with all my friends for a big birthday of mine.
It wasn’t intentional, she was just clueless I hadn’t know about it, although why she didn’t wonder why he had messaged and invited her, rather than me, is anyone’s guess.

Anyhow, I feel your frustration op. I hope the bride isn’t too disappointed that the cats out of the bag though.

latetothefisting · 28/05/2025 13:56

You might not get the most representative responses on here because most of MN hates hen dos with the passion of a thousand suns and resents the idea of spending more than twenty quid for a night down their local pub so will already be pre-disposed to vote against you for having the temerity to try and organise anything bigger.

But, personally I agree with you. Even if I wasn't 100% sure if some/all of the hen was a surprise or not, it's so common for SOMETHING to be a surprise then I'd not risk saying anything. IMO the fact that people might be going to multiple hens and be in several group chats as a pp suggested, would make it more likely I'd be cautious of what I said, not less, because being vague makes it easier for yourself rather than remembering who knows what and what's happening for which hen. Her apology was fine without it, saying 'I'm sure you'll enjoy (specific activity) added nothing more than "I'm sure you'll have an amazing time," would have.

CandyCane457 · 28/05/2025 13:56

I’m going against the grain here and saying I would always absolutely assume it was a secret. If the bride isn’t in the WhatsApp group, and her friends/family were the ones sending the messages with plans/arrangements, I’d absolutely realise it was a surprise.
And surely you’d always check before sending a message like that. I’m with you OP, I’d be pissed off too!

Hayley1256 · 28/05/2025 13:56

I wouldn't assume it was a suprise but also I would have checked in the group whether she knew before messaging her directly

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 28/05/2025 13:57

I would have thought surprise.

Oriunda · 28/05/2025 13:58

yeesh · 28/05/2025 13:55

If the bride has left the group then I think it’s pretty obvious it is a secret. I think messaging her to say you can’t come is fine but saying the actual activity was a dick move tbh.

I'm on so many wa groups that I mute many of them, so I often miss things. Someone removing themselves might easily be missed.

Endofyear · 28/05/2025 13:58

You should have been very clear that it was a surprise and ask that everyone in the group keep it secret from the bride. It was your mistake not to do this.

MrsSunshine2b · 28/05/2025 13:59

Some hen dos are a surprise, some aren't. You should have specified it was a surprise in the original messages. You will all still have fun even if the bride knows.

CapitalAtRisk · 28/05/2025 14:00

If I had even noticed that the Bride had left the group, I would have just assumed that was because she had enough going on and would be briefed by the organisers.

sweetpickle2 · 28/05/2025 14:00

I personally would have checked first, but if you didn't specify then you can't be that miffed if people didn't know.

To the PP that said sounds like this person did it deliberately- what?? If I've ever not been able to make a hen do I always message the bride separately to let them know, it's polite surely.

Gemmawemma9 · 28/05/2025 14:02

Ah ok, if you’re sure it was an accident it’s annoying but what can you do.
Is it a festival PLUS an activity while you’re there? Could you change the activity part so at least some of it is a surprise?

StampOnTheGround · 28/05/2025 14:09

I’ve never been to a hen do where the bride has known the plans! They may have helped with accommodation occasionally but never the plans. I’m with you OP