Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

[Faylor]

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

I think the bride did the right thing rather than adding to the stress of worrying about keeping it quiet, hopefully she did it in good humour and you can maybe arrange a low cost surprise at the festival, outfits, something holistic, these aren't always expensive, request from a band or DJ she'd like?

It was a stupid thing to have done. You just reply to the sender.

I’ve only been to one hen party (I’m old and they weren’t a thing in my youth) and the bride organised it all herself (we were in our 50s and she was marrying for the second time after being widowed) it was wonderful!

I am so glad in my day hen nights were just a local pub crawl and back to your own bed (most of the time 😉) after! All the hens had to organise was a bride sash, hat, and potty (and we always made a profit)!

No secrets or huge (expensive) trips with surprises to add to the further expenses of attending the actual wedding.

Now I am older I get to go to the nice local meal for the "oldies" instead and we just pay for our meals 😂

In answer to your question - it was a miscommunication. No big deal in the grand scheme of things - laugh and move on.

I'd think bride would know

I wouldn’t have assumed it was a surprise unless you specifically said. A lot of brides have input into the destination.

@NoTouch All the hens had to organise was a bride sash, hat, and potty (and we always made a profit)!

Can I check what you mean by a potty??? I assume not a portable toilet potty used years ago and put under a bed? 🤔

I’m in my 50s and hen dos were different then. It was never a surprise, it was usually a night out and no one needed a passport. It wouldn’t occur to me that the bride to b hadn’t OK’d plans.

God only knows how people afford to go on big hen events as well as weddings. They seem to cost a fortune!

I’d assume bride had some details ie city but not all details but I still wouldn’t say anything to be on safe side.
If it’s a complete surprise you are best to warn everyone.

Weird the friend was so specific in her apology message

I don't think it's assumed to be a secret unless that is explicitly stated. Understandably annoying for you though!

I hate being added to group chats, it's so awkward when you can't attend. Messaging people you don't really know and just being stuck in the chat. I also would have personally messaged the bride.

The bride would wear L plates, a veil, and carry a decorated baby's potty (representing babies after marriage) and men would put money in it for a kiss (on the cheek - most men would be reasonably behaved in those day, but the hens would fend off anyone who was a bit too pissed and aimed for the lips or was a bit handy!) and wish the bride well. A pub crawl would mean you would get around a lot of men in the town! The bride would have made £100-£200 profit (after paying for hens drinks from it) by the end of the night which was a lot of money in the 80s/early 90s!

Might have been a Scottish thing - we were so classy! 🤣

It kind of went out of favour in the 90s when lassies were recognised having "hen nights" every other weekend in different towns, women also did not want to be "kissed" by lots of slobering drunks and there was a shift in the behaviour of drunk men becoming less respectful.

I'd have assumed it was a secret and if I did need to contact the bride beforehand I would have just said sorry I can't make it and left it at that. She definitely spoiled it

Well you said you should have been clearer, so is this your fault? It’s a hen do though. Move on and get over it.

You’ve assumed wrong 🫣

It’s only a surprise if you specify to the other hens/ people who are invited that it is so.

Since you didn’t tell this person it was a surprise then you can’t have expected them to know that.