Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

[Faylor]

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

Sorry op but all the hen do's I've been on or organised the bride has known the key details e.g. cottage in Lake District with spa day. It's only been little details kept secret like games/photos/presents.

I would have assumed the bride had left the thread just to keep out of the hassle of the planning, with the bridesmaids keeping her informed/consulting her separately.

Sorry you are upset, it's disappointing if you were looking forward to a 'big reveal', but you will still have an amazing time and the hen will appreciate all the effort so try not to let it spoil the experience for you.

The ones I've been to, everything has been a secret so I'd operate under the assumption that it was a secret. However, I've learned online that some brides are very involved. But this perosn went into so much detail in their message that I think it was on purpose.

Wow, I haven't been to many hens, granted, but none of the ones I have have been a surprise. The bride organised them. Because she knew what she wanted. Maybe her bridesmaids did the nitty gritty of gathering money in, but the bride definitely organised activities/venues. Including me! So I would have done what this friend did without thinking twice.

I would not assume the bride was unaware. If I was the bride I wouldn't want to be taken by surprise by a trip somewhere I wasn't expecting, even if it was fun.

I think you should've specified it was top secret and nobody must tell her. I am sure the person who said it feels awful now. Presumably they say they had no idea it was a surprise?

presumably this is a close friend of the OP’s who she really likes

so resume it was a complete accident and not her trying to ruin anything

but yes… you should have been clear

i knee where my hen was, but there was a separate WhatsApp group just arranging logistics.

Every hen do I’ve been on has been a surprise for the bride 🤷🏼‍♀️

I did this with a hen do email thread. Should have realised but I'd not been to any previous surprise hen dos. Bride found it funny.

Good because given it was her only stipulation….

A hen do is one event that I would assume that the bride knew - it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it would be a surprise tbh.

Every hen do I've been on hasn't been a surprise for the bride 🤷🏼‍♀️

Whether she knew or not, its not generally OK to discuss things from one group, in another, or privately.

She should at the very least have checked before messaging the bride.

This.

How has the bride responded? Laughed about it? Or get in an arse about it?

Yes, I do think you need to be clear on the surprise element.

Then I'd be worried for the next few months about accidentally blurting something out.

I've only been to one hen which was meant to be a surprise and it was a bit of a disaster tbh.

Every other hen I have been to or know of, the hen was consulted, even if not on the WhatsApp group.

Given the bride isn't in the group I'd assume it was a secret. Messaging her directly like that seems deliberate. I'm on your side, OP!

I wouldn’t have assumed it was a surprise. In fact, I’d have assumed you’d have told people if it was a surprise. I’d have just thought you were organising it.

YABU

Where does it say that? You can’t apply your own set of standards to others - I don’t see anything wrong with talking about content from one group with another!

I ruined a hen party surprise for a bride once because I didn't realise it was a surprise. I felt terrible but I had no idea and would always assume the bride knows what's happening unless I'm told otherwise. I was mortified (especially as I didn't know the other hens very well) and the person you're referring to in your OP could be feeling the same, so be kind. This happened to me a few years ago and I still feel bad about it.

Sorry OP I agree with others. I have never been to a hen where the bride doesn’t know so not sure you can just assume hen dos are secret. I’m not sure you can really blame someone for not explicitly knowing what may seem obvious to you. If it was that important (which let’s be honest it’s a hen do so hardly life threatening) then you should have been explicitly clear about keeping it a secret.

Leaving a group may not mean a secret but she doesn’t want to be involved, or she doesn’t want to know costs if you agreed to pay for her, or she has so much going on with the wedding she doesn’t want to be involved in details etc.

I get you are angry and frustrated but this one isn’t on your friend it’s just a misunderstanding.

I had my hen do 20 years ago and I knew what was happening, I also arranged a hen do 20 years ago and the bride knew what was happening, I have been to any number of hen dos in my time including sisters, cousins, friends, acquaintances and never been to one that was a surprise to the bride.

I think if you wanted it to be a secret you needed to very explicitly tell everyone. It’s just a mistake. Nothing to be done now.

I didn’t know hen dos were ever a surprise so I would have put my foot in it too.

A family member had a surprise 50th party which was spoilt in the same way with someone talking to her about it as if she already knew (she hadn’t read the invitation carefully.)

I’m with you OP. If the bride has left the WhatsApp group I’d at the very least check before messaging just in case. All of the hen dos I’ve been to have been either a surprise, or organised by the bride.

I wouldn't assume it was a surprise and I would expect it to be made very clear if it was.