Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

[Faylor]

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

From WhatsApp own FAQ. It changed years ago.

Helped arrange 5 hen do surprise weekends. Bride added guest list then deleted her self. Worked every time. Can understand why you annoyed. The ones who couldn't make it notified bride after all was revealed..

That's - not a relevant screenshot. Did you mean to post a different one?

Wrong screenshot, doh!

Never been to a surprise hen do. I am in a WhatsApp group organising a baby shower, the pregnant friend is not in the chat but is aware of what's going on. People who can't make it have put it in the group chat and also messaged her direct. It's easy to miss someone leaving a chat, especially if it's a busy group.

No, I don’t think it is all kept secret from the bride to be honest.

I wouldn’t have assumed it was a surprise at all. I’m on a million WhatsApp groups and wouldn’t necessarily notice a person leaving a group. I’ve never been to a hen party where it’s been a surprise - only ones with no surprise or a few minor surprise elements. If something is a proper surprise I think you need to be very blatant rather than just assume a whole bunch of people you don’t even know are all on the same page. If I couldn’t go to someone’s event I would message them my regrets directly.

Ok cool? I was replying to the OP given the first few replies all said it hadn’t been a surprise, just to reassure her that it is also normal for them to be a surprise

Just because she isn't involved in organising the event doesn't mean she doesn't know anything about it. You don't want the bride bothered with all the wrangling over who is paying what, who can 't come, who only wants to pay for their own meal and doesn't want to split the bill etc etc, but that doesn't mean she has no idea what is going on. If the bride wasn't in the group I would assume it was because of that.

I've never been to a hen do where the hen hasn't been involved in the planning. It really wouldn't occur to me that it was a surprise unless I was told

Not sure if they would assume it’s a surprise but odd they went straight to the bride when you sent the message. If they knew you were organising they should have responded to you. I would always check before saying something to the person, especially when a 3rd party has sent the invite. “Hi, sorry can’t make it … blah blah blah. I’ll message bride and let he know … btw, does she know about it?? “

Nope you definitely should have specified that it was a surprise! Most people would not just assume it was.

I haven't been to a hen abroad so no passport problems. But the ones I've been, it has been made sure that the bride is free. Like their mum has asked her to do brunch and go shopping. And then suprise the group of friends show up. They provide a list of what the bride needs for the day and they have x minutes to pack. Then off we go.

But bff has her do the same day as her husband had his stag do. The guys marched in to wake him up at 6am and gave him 10minutes to be out the door. We were a lot gentler 😅

Obviously, all of this depends on the bride. If they hate suprises then it shouldn't be organised as a suprise. Or if you need them to apply for annual leave or something. But this has been the basic formula. Except for my cousins cause her baby was 2 months old so she wanted to know what day she needs to be ready so she can store some milk. But all activities were a suprise.

Every hen do that I’ve been to was a surprise. The bride usually sets up the group, she then messages that she’s now leaving the group. The organisers then put a message on introducing themselves.

It's a shame the bride didn't just pretend she didn't see the message and go along with it pretending to be suprised. That's 95% of the suprise parties that I've been to.

My DSD did this. Set the group up then left when her bridesmaid took over. It was bleedin obvious the bride knew nothing.

If I was organising it I would have told everyone it was a surprise and not to tell the bride but if I was going on the hen do I would also presume it was a surprise in this situation. I think it was a mistake on both parts.

I’ve accidentally done this before and let slip to the bride the location of the hen do, and then separately one of the activities. Completely innocently, wasn’t thinking at all.

life is busy, and not every single interaction is heavily thought about. Let it go and don’t let it put a downer on the event at all.

It wouldn't occur to me that the hen weekend is a surprise. I think this if on you for assuming. Don't blame the friend

If bride sets up a group and leaves, that could just be so she has the treat of not having to be involved in organising it. Still doesn't mean it's a surprise

Im with you OP. Iv been to enough hen dos to know they're usually a surprise unless the bride is in the whatsapp group or specifically organising it all herself. I think the right thing to do would be always assume surprise, why would you even risk talking to the bride and spoiling anything. But yes I guess you shouldve been more specific in the initial message too.

@Rewis They provide a list of what the bride needs for the day and they have x minutes to pack. Then off we go.

X mins to pack!!!
Thank you for explaining. This would be my nightmare. What if I'd needed to shave before a spa, my clothes were in the wash etc. 😬

This isn’t really your problem. It is matter for the bride and the person who sent the message. I wouldn’t give it another thought if I was you.

Not one single hen do I have been to was a surprise. So why would I assume this one was? When it's not a thing I have ever encountered before?

It is your fault OP. You should have warned.

Hopefully the sheer volume of surprise gone wrong threads recently will help put an end to the trend. Surprise anythings are a bad idea.