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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

165 replies

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:24

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

OP posts:
Palestar · 28/05/2025 14:48

Not only would I have done the same as a guest and assume the bride to be was up to date on the details, I wouldn't organise anything big or specific I hadn't run by her.

If you're sure she'll enjoy it, then it doesn't matter that it was expensive and she knows. She'll still enjoy it.

CapitalAtRisk · 28/05/2025 14:50

Whether or not hen do's should be a surprise, I hope you can see from this thread OP that plenty of people don't expect them to be.

It sucks that the surprise was spoiled, but I don't think you can criticise the friend for mentioning what the hen do was going to involve.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 28/05/2025 14:50

If you didn't specify it was a surprise the how would anyone have known it was a surprise. A hen do is very rarely a surprise and while it's usually organised by someone else, the bride is consulted. Messaging the bride directly was the correct thing to do, it avoided any second hand message or drama that seems to accompany a hen do these days. Next time, be specific, tell people you're organising a surprise.

Icedcaramelfrappe · 28/05/2025 14:51

I wouldnt expect a hen do to be a surprise

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/05/2025 14:51

Only the WhatsApp group admin sees if someone leaves a group so it's assuming someone is going to go and look at the members.

I'm another who would assume the bride knew if it wasn't stated it was a surprise.

MalcolmMoo · 28/05/2025 14:52

Personally I think you are not being unreasonable but only because all the hens I have been to have this format so to me it’s the norm. But I suppose if she hadn’t been told it was a surprise (although the bride not being in the group is a giveaway!) then I think it was on you to tell everyone really clearly.

Readytohealnow · 28/05/2025 14:53

If only this were the only thing in life we needed to worry about...

NancyGreens · 28/05/2025 14:53

Yabu I think. I wouldn't assume surprise for grown adults. I don't get the whole surprise thing over a certain age tbh. I'd need it to be specified and would never assume

AthWat · 28/05/2025 14:54

On a thread like this anyone saying "well I would have assumed it was a surprise" is completely missing the point. From the replies to this thread alone it's clear that a lot of people would not assume it's a surprise. As soon as a few people have said that, discussion is over. As in any in any situation where you know some people will think one thing and some another, it's wrong to assume anything at all. Always spell it out.

Spacehop · 28/05/2025 14:54

Incredibly annoyed is way over the top. People are busy and don't have time always to scrutinise WhatsApp group messages. Even if the person overlooked a message from you, your reaction is excessive.

LT1233 · 28/05/2025 14:56

Na, I'd never assume that it was a surprise unless it was stated as such and I'm normally the most conscientious person ever. I ruined my brothers surprise 30th trip by asking him where abouts he was staying in the x region while we were at the family meal that'd been organised for him en route to the x region because I'm not a fucking mind reader. Never assume if it's that important.

GoBackToTheStart · 28/05/2025 14:57

I’m with you, Op and would never assume. I certainly wouldn’t message the bride separately with such blatant references to the location/activity without checking first, just in case. Every hen do I have been to has either been a surprise or had elements of it being a surprise (some small, some big), so it seems like common sense to me to check what she knew and what she didn’t. You can send a perfectly lovely apology message without specifying all of the details.

It’s a shame, but I’m sure you’ll all have a lovely time regardless!

ItsCalledAConversation · 28/05/2025 15:04

Oh gosh no, you fucked up but you know that and have acknowledged it.

Dont waste time being mad at whoever let it slip.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/05/2025 15:05

How did the bride react to finding out about the activities? As long as she's happy with it, I would chalk it up to experience and stop blaming yourself. These things happen.

YourWildAmberSloth · 28/05/2025 15:07

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:37

I assumed people would take context clues of the bride leaving the chat after setting it up and saying “talk amongst yourselves, no strippers etc”

I would take that as meaning that the bride wants you to sort it out, but it still doesn't mean its a surprise. As you said, you should have specified that it was surprise. I remember ruining a birthday party surprise, because nobody thought to mention that it was a surprise party. I was sent an invitation with no RSVP details and nothing saying 'surprise party', and texted him to say that I would be there. Apparently not putting details for an RSVP was the clue.

Original poster
Faylor · 28/05/2025 15:08

I’m not going to be nasty about it at all. It’s annoying but I’m not going to make myself look a tit and be rude to someone (I don’t know) who I do believe made an honest mistake.

I just think it was a weird way to say sorry I can’t make it but enjoy x and y.

Surely this person knew to msg the bride directly as she couldn’t make her excuses on the group chat as she want on it (ie that’s the clue she’s not involved)

OP posts:
TheMasterplan23 · 28/05/2025 15:08

Unless I was specifically told “It’s a surprise, the bride doesn’t know” I would think she knew about the plans.

You needed to be clearer and state in ‘toddler terms’ BRIDE DOESN’T KNOW THE PLANS…KEEP IT A SECRET

JDM625 · 28/05/2025 15:10

I've lived in 3 countries and never been to a fully surprise one. Maybe minor elements, but not the main event.
How would that work? Pack your bag and passport, but you have no clue what country you are going to?
Get dressed for a day out and where what? I'd wear something very different to a festival vs a swanky nightclub. When do they find out the surprise?

Especially as that was her ONLY request, I'm afraid you were wrong OP. Could you add a different, surprising element? VIP tents, luncheon en-route?

Definitelynotagladiator · 28/05/2025 15:11

Sounds very spiteful of the person not going. A simple ‘I can’t make and have fun’ would have been perfectly acceptable.
Lesson learned - always be specific on the essentials!
People are wrapped up in their own lives and don’t always notice as others do.

I’m sure you’ll be able to surprise the hen in other ways! And at least now she knows what to pack 😊

Overthebow · 28/05/2025 15:13

I’d assume the bride knew. I’ve never gone on one where the bride didn’t know, they’ve always been consulted or had their own ideas. We’ve had a separate chat without the bride to plan all the little surprise details, but the main activity wasn’t a surprise.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 28/05/2025 15:15

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/05/2025 14:51

Only the WhatsApp group admin sees if someone leaves a group so it's assuming someone is going to go and look at the members.

I'm another who would assume the bride knew if it wasn't stated it was a surprise.

This is not true re-WhatsApp.

All in the group will see if someone leaves, regardless of whether or not they’re an admin.

pictoosh · 28/05/2025 15:15

Nah...I wouldn't have assumed it was a surprise or secret. If it is, you have to SAY SO.

Sorry I can't make it but enjoy x and x is a perfectly normal response. Not weird.

YOU bungled. Not her. YOU.

Now get over it and enjoy yourselves when the time comes. xx

user1473878824 · 28/05/2025 15:16

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 28/05/2025 15:15

This is not true re-WhatsApp.

All in the group will see if someone leaves, regardless of whether or not they’re an admin.

Edited
Show quote history

I left a group recently and it literally popped up with a message saying that only the admin would know.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 28/05/2025 15:16

Maybe feel relieved she knows where she is going? As other posters said, I’d like to know what to pack!

And there’s plenty of surprises you can arrange when you’re there I’m sure?

CapitalAtRisk · 28/05/2025 15:19

Definitelynotagladiator · 28/05/2025 15:11

Sounds very spiteful of the person not going. A simple ‘I can’t make and have fun’ would have been perfectly acceptable.
Lesson learned - always be specific on the essentials!
People are wrapped up in their own lives and don’t always notice as others do.

I’m sure you’ll be able to surprise the hen in other ways! And at least now she knows what to pack 😊

Seriously? "Spiteful"?!