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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Child-free’ wedding

337 replies

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:49

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 31/05/2025 11:56

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:53

To clarify, my fiancé doesn’t really want him there either. His brother is best man so will also be busy!

YANBU but your DF is the AH here!

You made an agreement between the two of you. He went behind your back and agreed with his DB that the kid could come. Now if you say ‘no’ as you had BOTH AGREED, then you’re made out to be the bad guy.

Been to a wedding with no kids, been to a wedding with no small children - they just had children of family but didn’t really have friends’ kids so it was just 4 kids under 10 (instead of an additional 20 toddlers/babies!!! 😳). I probably would have invited the 10 yo nephew myself form the off with an otherwise childfree wedding. I wouldn’t have changed my mind after agreeing to something. BUT…. That isn’t what you guys want to do. It’s your wedding and that’s okay.

As an aside my DH felt the need to invite he cousins GF to appease his aunt despite the fact that neither of us wanted her there because she’s rude AF and none of us actually like her (not even the aunt but she wanted to make her son happy FFS). This GF ignores you, doesn’t acknowledge you, constant face like a slapped-ar*e etc. I said no, DH pressured me into it, she ends up as the +1 arrives at the wedding, face in the middle of all the photos so couldn’t even edit her out. They split up. Still wish I’d never agreed to it. She was just unpleasant and now her face is in middle of family pics 🤦‍♀️

Your DF needs to sort this one. That was a really sh*tty thing for him to do.

Mjin · 31/05/2025 17:54

I don’t ever want to go to a child free wedding; ridiculous. What’s wrong with people?

SilenyTata123 · 31/05/2025 17:57

I should think that your own children should be allowed to attend your wedding if you have them.

thesilliestgoose · 31/05/2025 18:15

Why is the brother the best man if you and your fiancé clearly aren’t close to him to the point of describing his son as “this child” and a pain in the arse.

Does he not have any real friends or does everyone else find you both as unbearable as you’ve come across in this woe is me drivel?

MammaTo · 31/05/2025 18:32

I am all for child free weddings, but I think nephews and nieces are the exception to that. Excluding the best man’s son is a bit harsh.

Challenger2A7 · 31/05/2025 18:32

They're entitled to a child-free wedding if that's what they want. And why has the mother of the nephew thrown a tantrum? She can get childcare like everyone else has, or is she one of these women who has to have her brat with her wherever she goes?? Anyhow, just tell her to stay at home if she wishes to. She'll change her mind if nobody takes any further notice of her. I hope your Wedding goes well.

Marieb19 · 31/05/2025 18:40

It isn't her wedding, it's their wedding and it sounds like the OP is far more committed to no children than her DF. Her DF is obviously close to his brother as he chose him to be his best man.

R2024 · 31/05/2025 18:47

Your wedding your choice.
If guests don't like it don't come, easy.
Manipulation is selfish, it's not their day.

Nrita · 31/05/2025 19:21

I had a child free wedding with my nieces still in attendance because they’re family and I love them, I think your sister in law is upset that you don’t feel this way (or that your fiancé doesn’t) as excluding children of the family is saying you don’t care for them to see you get married

IamMoodyBlue · 31/05/2025 19:23

Stick to your guns. You are perfectly entitled to have a child-free wedding. To any one who thinks that 10 yr olds can't be total, utter PITAs, get real.
If you want an unbiased answer to that, not influenced by emotional attachment or blinkers, ask a teacher!

Being a complete AH doesn't take decades to achieve, some children have PITAness perfected long before 10.
Why prople have to be so blind to excruciatingly bad behaviour or have a long list of excuses for abominable behaviour by children & teenagers is beyond me.
By 10, a child is perfectly capable of behaving reasonablely for the duration of a wedding. OP's experience is clearly that this particular child does not behave acceptably..
So don't invite him. It is absolutely reasonable to decide to exclude him.

I wish we had excluded my nephews from an important celebration. DH & I were mortified by their behaviour which ruined our special occasion

Don't let PITA, or even the worry about it spoil your very special day.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/05/2025 19:24

Marieb19 · 31/05/2025 18:40

It isn't her wedding, it's their wedding and it sounds like the OP is far more committed to no children than her DF. Her DF is obviously close to his brother as he chose him to be his best man.

It is their wedding and DF made a big decision without informing OP. A decision OP thought they had already agreed on.

lovemetomybones · 31/05/2025 19:51

Family should celebrate a wedding you are being selfish and entitled. My brother did this and our relationship has not been the same since. The kid is 10 they definitely know when they are being rejected.

Gg72 · 31/05/2025 20:09

I had a child free wedding and I didn't regret it everyone let there hair down had a night off and enjoyed it even those who put up a fight at the beginning it's your day your choice they either come or they don't end of

1HappyTraveller · 31/05/2025 20:31

Mjin · 31/05/2025 17:54

I don’t ever want to go to a child free wedding; ridiculous. What’s wrong with people?

Some people don’t want kids there - I’m not sure how difficult it is to understand. Some people don’t like other people’s kids. Some people don’t like any kids. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s just how they are. In the same way that some parents are incredibly entitled - they think their kids are amazing when sometimes they just aren’t. But hey, that’s science - you’re meant to like you’re offspring because they carry your genes.

I don’t mean to break it to you but if you are a parent you need to understand that there are people out there who won’t like your kids.

1HappyTraveller · 31/05/2025 20:34

lovemetomybones · 31/05/2025 19:51

Family should celebrate a wedding you are being selfish and entitled. My brother did this and our relationship has not been the same since. The kid is 10 they definitely know when they are being rejected.

Your brother was entitled for having his wedding without your kid?

The irony of this comment 😂

1HappyTraveller · 31/05/2025 20:37

Marieb19 · 31/05/2025 18:40

It isn't her wedding, it's their wedding and it sounds like the OP is far more committed to no children than her DF. Her DF is obviously close to his brother as he chose him to be his best man.

Did you miss the bit where they both agreed no kids…?

It’s not his wedding, it’s their wedding.
They made a joint decision and he went off inviting the nephew against that joint decision. He might be close to his brother, doesn’t mean he’s close to his nephew 🤷‍♀️

Welshmonster · 31/05/2025 22:10

just for perspective, my stepdad and mum travelled back from Europe to UK. 4 kids - two were bio kids of our mum and stepdad. made arrangements etc and got to the child free wedding and everyone's kids were there. it didn't go down well as ok not invite non-bio kids but my younger siblings were bio relations!!!

other people will have made arrangements and paid for childcare in some cases. are you sure you want to marry into a family where what the brother says goes!! what's next?

as it's already done, you need to make it very clear that any disruption and the mum needs to take the kid out. it's not cute or funny.

themartins · 01/06/2025 00:50

It's your wedding, your way. Ask your fiance to "uninvite" the child. He should have consulted you before he agreed. If the SIL won't come, her loss. You will be resentful and sorry if you don't deal with this.

My niece dealt with this very well IMHO. She stated on the invitation,"Children are welcome at the church ceremony and the day after family lunch. The reception and party are for adults only."(Tiny babies excepted) There was no problems.

secretbinger3 · 01/06/2025 04:05

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2025 13:01

It's her wedding she can choose to have a child free wedding.

Her husband has made the issue worse by backtracking.

A 10 year old can indeed be a PITA.

No need to be snippy to the OP.

Show quote history

hear hear

junebirthdaygirl · 01/06/2025 04:20

I always thought the childfree thing was about screaming toddlers during the service or during the meal. Surely a 10 year old will cause no harm..he can play his Nintendo! Just invite him. His mom will be your sil and you don't want bad feelings from the start. If you have kids yourself l can guarantee you will look back and think..what the hell was all that fuss about.
My dd is getting married later this Summer and has a lot of toddlers due to her peers all having babies recently. It may be bedlam but she would be so disappointed if friends couldn't come due to babysitting issues.

Toker · 01/06/2025 04:42

Your wedding. Completely fine to set the rules. Just be prepared for close family members to decline the invitation. If they have to respect your wishes then you have to respect theirs if they choose not to leave their children and decide not to go.
Basically you are saying that those particular members of your family are not welcome. This happened to me with my Uncle at his 80th birthday. We didn't go.

NormalMeh · 01/06/2025 06:02

I get why people want child-free weddings. But not inviting the kids of your siblings is dickish behaviour, and I will never change my mind on this.

Bellaire85 · 01/06/2025 06:06

I am confused - you’re saying all your guests are looking forward to having a day away from their kids, but you have also said that your bridesmaids would’ve loved to have had their kids there - which one is it?

I am child free but I don’t understand child free weddings - people have to arrange / pay for child care to be able to attend your wedding, and you are asking people to come and celebrate your family, why can’t they share your special day with theirs?

disappointedfox · 01/06/2025 07:33

I'm with you op. Either a wedding is child free or its not. I hate this picking and choosing. So people arrange babysitters then turn up to find other people's kids running around, doesn't matter who they are related to. Nothing wrong with a child free wedding but if you're having one you should fully commit.

RevHaines · 01/06/2025 07:58

I marry people for a living, and this will likely become something which could be the end of your marriage.

If your fiancé is close to his brother and his parents, you are essentially asking him to choose between you and them. That is not the recipe for a healthy marriage, particularly if it does blow up and you can no longer spend Christmas etc with his brother and family in the future. It will cause pain and, over time, resentment.

Deciding something behind your back is also not great, but can be resolved. Sit down together and have a non confrontational conversation. Explain calmly why it is an issue to you that he went against your previous decision without a conversation. Explain how it has made you feel. And then allow him space and time to tell you why he did and how it was making him feel by disallowing your nephew. Listen to one another, and then make your peace with it.

If you’re unable to have the above sort of conversation together, it may be that you’re entering into a marriage that may not last anyway.