Page 10 | ‘Child-free’ wedding

BeZanyUmberBird · 2025-05-28T11:49:31+00:00

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come. without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

Blanknotebook · 29/05/2025 09:07

I have been to weddings where babies and toddlers have cried throughout the service and no one has thought to take them outside, so I can understand why some people prefer child free weddings. However I don’t think a 10 year old boy will be that much of a disturbance.

Sillysaussicon · 29/05/2025 09:30

It's tricky. Child free weddings are honestly not for me, I didn't have one. I think weddings are to celebrate with family and that includes everyone. However I totally respect that it's personal choice and I would never ask the couple to change their mind or bend the rules for me. Once you allow one child it's hard to justify refusing others and you can end up with loads of children there or pissed off family.

Enjoying a grown ups day out is all fine and well, and you're right most parents jump at the chance to do this. However, many parents (myself included) have no childcare avaliable. If I had childcare I'd be partying until the bitter end with my friends and family. I'd also be going out on dates with my husband, as if I had the option, I wouldn't need a wedding as an excuse, always seems odd that couples say this... I've had to decline wedding invites before because I haven't had childcare. Sometimes they've offered to host baby in a way that's acceptable to them. I've bought baby for the ceremony before when close family have wanted me there for the official bit and sat at the back/left if they were making noise. I've also bought them for a few hours in the evening so I can have a quick cheers with them and a slice of cake and gone home with them for 8-9ish. I've been really happy when couples have offered this. I've also missed out on the whole event because my child isn't welcome and that is also fine.

In my dream world wedding venues would throw in a nanny for the day free of charge so children can be entertained and adults can party.

TipsyRaven247 · 29/05/2025 09:43

Americano75 · 28/05/2025 17:41

Yeah, it's not really about the 10 year old is it?

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It totally isn't. I am surprised nobody is bringing up the most concerning issue: she is paying for the entire wedding.
Bonkers.

TakingHavenInTescoExpress · 29/05/2025 09:43

TipsyRaven247 · 28/05/2025 12:59

What exactly did you expect to happen? If you tell someone they can't bring their children you are forcing them to make a choice between:

Get childcare sorted (expensive and unfeasible in many circumstances)
One or two of the members of the couple can't attend

Well, there you go. Your brother in law is upset because you are making his wife to stay at home with their children. Well done you.

Also, you seem extremely judgemental to call a 10 year old a pain in the arse. Get off your high horse, princess.

Edited

Have you ever met a ten-year-old?

theemmadilemma · 29/05/2025 09:49

I don't know why OP got a kicking here.

I'd be fucking livid with my DF if they did that. Bent our agreed rules because he was guilted by family to invite the worst behaved child to a childfree wedding.

OP - if you are still watching, tell them NO.

Mumandgf · 29/05/2025 10:00

Apart from my son we are also having a child free wedding. We know this means some people will opt not to attend when we send out the invites, but we figure this is their choice. As a parent, if I was invited to a wedding minus child I would respect that choice. It's your wedding and sadly far too many people try to manipulate the choices of the B&G which is a shame.

As others have said, if you say yes this could inwardly upset others who have made childcare arrangements x

pinkyredrose · 29/05/2025 10:12

ARichtGoodDram · 28/05/2025 16:34

She’s made it clear she doesn’t want kids at her wedding

And the groom has now made it clear he wants his nephew there.

It's his wedding too.

He doesn't want the nephew there, he bowed under pressure.

Stepfordian · 29/05/2025 10:16

I think if it’s child free then it has to be totally child free or you’ll have a lot of pissed off guests who said to your face they were ‘looking forward to having a relaxing time without their children’ but who in reality had to find childcare and are annoyed their children weren’t invited when others were.

We declined a child free wedding because it was a 6 hour drive away and our child was 3 months old and breastfeeding, and we were told it was absolutely child free, not even babes in arms. And then we saw the photos with the brides 5 nieces and nephews all there, they were all primary school aged, turns out the groom wanted DH to get pissed and knew he wouldn’t if we brought our baby, haven’t looked at the couple the same since to be honest.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 29/05/2025 10:16

You made a rule - stick to the rule.

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 10:27

butteredradish4 · 29/05/2025 09:06

By definition child free wedding is code for massive piss up. I don't think it is appropriate to have one 10 year old at that type of event.

I think the flower girls will be beyond the massive piss up stage. Lol.

DontTouchRoach · 29/05/2025 10:30

we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come

To which my response would have been 'Oh, it's a shame your wife can't be there. Never mind.'

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 10:38

theemmadilemma · 29/05/2025 09:49

I don't know why OP got a kicking here.

I'd be fucking livid with my DF if they did that. Bent our agreed rules because he was guilted by family to invite the worst behaved child to a childfree wedding.

OP - if you are still watching, tell them NO.

Who said the child was worse behaved?
Actually it sounds like he gets ignored and bored. So he ends up in a corner on his Switch. Is that really badly behaved?
Would it be any better if he entertained himself with a book or colouring stuff.

Very few kids are badly behaved on their own. Most need a partner in crime to bounce of off.

Italiandreams · 29/05/2025 10:38

DontTouchRoach · 29/05/2025 10:30

we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come

To which my response would have been 'Oh, it's a shame your wife can't be there. Never mind.'

The thing is that is just a fact, doesn’t mean the SIL is being difficult, just means she has to look after their child. That’s fine. No drama.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 29/05/2025 10:39

Close family I'd normally exclude from the child free thing. He might be a pain in the arse but he's not your problem to deal with on the day. Just be sure to clarify that SIL is in charge of the little shit and he can't be interrupting his father's best man duties 😂

you are under no obligation to provide child specific meal choices or entertainments either....

Italiandreams · 29/05/2025 10:43

Stepfordian · 29/05/2025 10:16

I think if it’s child free then it has to be totally child free or you’ll have a lot of pissed off guests who said to your face they were ‘looking forward to having a relaxing time without their children’ but who in reality had to find childcare and are annoyed their children weren’t invited when others were.

We declined a child free wedding because it was a 6 hour drive away and our child was 3 months old and breastfeeding, and we were told it was absolutely child free, not even babes in arms. And then we saw the photos with the brides 5 nieces and nephews all there, they were all primary school aged, turns out the groom wanted DH to get pissed and knew he wouldn’t if we brought our baby, haven’t looked at the couple the same since to be honest.

The getting your DH drunk is annoying, but exceptions are made for family is often down to childcare. We could ask family to look after the kids for a friends wedding, but wouldn’t be able to do the same for a family wedding. We didn’t have a childfree wedding but why we noticed was family bought kids and friends found childcare and came childfree. Both completely their choice. Most weddings I have been to included family children.

Peanutbum · 29/05/2025 11:02

We had a child free wedding except our own daughter who was 2 at the time, & my brother & cousin who were both 7, plus babies in arms (there were 2) absolutely no one had a problem with it. (although I was shocked when one of my husbands evening guests brought her 9y old daughter instead of her husband without even checking it was ok!) I’d be putting my foot down - if you were close and had a relationship with your nephew it would be different but it sounds as though you don’t! If your fiancé doesn’t want him to come either that’s says a lot too! Children are wonderful, we now have 3 of our own and I absolutely adore them but actually sometimes a) you need a night off & b) in my experience they get so bored at weddings, especially during the day & then by evening they’re exhausted and grouchy!🤣 sorry OP, not much help but I do believe if it was made clear from the beginning it’s ok to put your foot down…also it’s a bit odd they didn’t mention it when the invites first came out?!

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 11:11

@Peanutbum so it's fine for you to have exceptions to the child free rule but not for Ops DGroom.

He's a guy I bet he never thought about the childcare issues for he's brother and would much rather have DNephew than to upset his brother and not have SIL there.

Stepfordian · 29/05/2025 11:13

Italiandreams · 29/05/2025 10:43

The getting your DH drunk is annoying, but exceptions are made for family is often down to childcare. We could ask family to look after the kids for a friends wedding, but wouldn’t be able to do the same for a family wedding. We didn’t have a childfree wedding but why we noticed was family bought kids and friends found childcare and came childfree. Both completely their choice. Most weddings I have been to included family children.

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I get that, but they knew we had no childcare options, and if it was 100% child free we had no problem not attending with a babe in arms, but if there are actually some children there anyway then it just seemed a bit mean to not have one of his oldest friends there when it wouldn’t actually have cost them anything to have a 3 month old baby there.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 29/05/2025 11:27

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 08:39

What?
She did exactly what MN say it's an invite not a summons. The Brother asked could they bring the boy.

The Groom made a decision (and committed a crime didn't consult the bride according to mn) Maybe the bride should just LTB if he's prepared to go against her wishes and put his family before her.

I still don't see what consulting the Op would actually do other than make him look under the thumb, her controlling and really was he going to go back to the Brother - No the boy can't come because the wife to be says so?

It's his wedding too, if having his brother & sil there was important to him then it's important to him. So he's made the decision to include the boy. (Probably with Nintendo & headphones 🎧)

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I'm not sure what you don't understand and why you tried to re-write the OP. She explained much more succinctly:

"The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come."

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 11:35

So the groom made the decision. He'd rather have the kid than upset his brother.

That should be the end of it.
Ops upset because she doesn't like the kid. And him and his Nintendo will lower the tone.

Maybe she should have pushed the boat out and had him as a pageboy rather than oldies as flower girls.

Americano75 · 29/05/2025 11:37

TipsyRaven247 · 29/05/2025 09:43

It totally isn't. I am surprised nobody is bringing up the most concerning issue: she is paying for the entire wedding.
Bonkers.

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Exactly, and his only contribution is to go against their shared agreement without even consulting her.

Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2025 12:18

Needspaceforlego · 29/05/2025 11:35

So the groom made the decision. He'd rather have the kid than upset his brother.

That should be the end of it.
Ops upset because she doesn't like the kid. And him and his Nintendo will lower the tone.

Maybe she should have pushed the boat out and had him as a pageboy rather than oldies as flower girls.

@Needspaceforlego

why?? Because he’s younger?? Op has said she barely know him. Are they less worthy of their role at the wedding on account of their age?

Also “oldies”…

Ageist.

PissedOff2020 · 29/05/2025 12:54

Once you have children of your own you’ll realise how awful excluding your nephew is. It’s one 10 year old, he’s not a toddler who’ll scream throughout. One 10 year old who’ll you’ll hardly notice.
A family wedding, all family at the party, who’s expected to look after your nephew? Presumably this is the reason the wife can’t attend.
My cousin had a kid free wedding, 300 miles away. We had to get my in-laws, who lived 4 hour drive away up for the weekend. It was so hard to arrange. Later when she had children and brought her children to my brothers wedding (they had our children and my cousin’s kids as the only children at their wedding) she said she couldn’t believe the pressure they’d put on people by saying no kids.
If my brother had refused to allow my kids at his wedding that would have been a major issue.
By all means don’t allow friends to bring their kids, but immediate family should absolutely be an exception.
As for saying he doesn’t engage with you, you’re the adults - he’s 10! You should be engaging with him, the effort should come from you He will be more interested in his switch. You’re calling him a PITA, no wonder he doesn’t chat to you much.

Youbutterbelieve · 29/05/2025 13:05

PissedOff2020 · 29/05/2025 12:54

Once you have children of your own you’ll realise how awful excluding your nephew is. It’s one 10 year old, he’s not a toddler who’ll scream throughout. One 10 year old who’ll you’ll hardly notice.
A family wedding, all family at the party, who’s expected to look after your nephew? Presumably this is the reason the wife can’t attend.
My cousin had a kid free wedding, 300 miles away. We had to get my in-laws, who lived 4 hour drive away up for the weekend. It was so hard to arrange. Later when she had children and brought her children to my brothers wedding (they had our children and my cousin’s kids as the only children at their wedding) she said she couldn’t believe the pressure they’d put on people by saying no kids.
If my brother had refused to allow my kids at his wedding that would have been a major issue.
By all means don’t allow friends to bring their kids, but immediate family should absolutely be an exception.
As for saying he doesn’t engage with you, you’re the adults - he’s 10! You should be engaging with him, the effort should come from you He will be more interested in his switch. You’re calling him a PITA, no wonder he doesn’t chat to you much.

Edited

Maybe the OP won't feel that way - I have 2 kids and don't give a shit if their not invited to a wedding. Not my day, not my day.

TipsyRaven247 · 29/05/2025 13:17

Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2025 12:18

@Needspaceforlego

why?? Because he’s younger?? Op has said she barely know him. Are they less worthy of their role at the wedding on account of their age?

Also “oldies”…

Ageist.

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Beggars belief that in a thread where child-hate runs rampant (in a forum called mumsnet to boot) it is actually someone who used the term oldie that gets called ageist.
World's gone mad.