‘Child-free’ wedding

[BeZanyUmberBird]

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come.
without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

So disrespectful of HIM to agree to the child attending when they have agreed child free.

Because you think that trumps what the actual people who are getting married want. The literal definition of entitled. Thinking what you want trumps everyone else.

I think that's the point to the Groom it's more important to have his brother and SIL there at the wedding than for it to be child free.

He might have been thinking other Granny would be available but has been told No for whatever reason.

He's made the decision and I think going back on it could easily cause a massive rift.

For goodness sake. Of course it isn't rude.

Have you seen the video of some child (mum had been asked to take him out) screaming all the way through the vows?
Weddings are really dull for anyone at least under 10, unless you are outside or having a barn dance or whatever,

@Disco2022

because it’s not about what you enjoy. Or what the kids in the family enjoy. A wedding is one day when it’s all about what the bride and groom enjoy and what they want and prefer. And everyone else can suck it up. Because it’s one day - the bride and grooms day!

🙈

Elope? 😂

I think maybe we agree to disagree on that, weddings have evolved maybe to look more like a day for the bride and groom, but I think within a lot of cultures and subcultures within the UK, it's a public, familial celebration of committing your life together and for me (not saying should be for everyone/just my opinion) that means not excluding children, or for that matter anyone or any specific group. But like I say just an opinion. Honestly at the beginning of this post ai wasn't certain why the OP was set on child free so thought a breadth of opinion might add some fresh ideas/views! Sometimes it's not until someone questions or is upset by a decision that you make that you really interrogate whether it was a good decision.

I was talking from the POV of being the bride not a guest.

I hate child free weddings, the cost and stress to guests you say you care about is really unfair and theyre meant to be big family celebrations. Honestly, 10 yr olds do play nintendo, it doesn't mean he's a pita and it shouldn't have stopped you both trying to build a relationship - why doesn't your fiance "really know" their nephew, that's strange. I also think often it's OK to say no to general guests but best man and brother bringing your nephew - bit different and easily explained unless you've nieces and nephews not coming.
Having said allllll that, weddings are the couples choice, and your fiance shouldn't have gone against your plan without discussing first.

Don't do anything, it's done, you can't un invite him without looking like a bridezilla but you're totally reasonable to be annoyed about it.

The bride doesn’t want them there. The fact that you enjoyed weddings as a child is irrelevant.

You’ll always annoy some of your friends and family if you have a child free wedding. If you have one child there, it will annoy them even more.

I think you could easily make an exception for a 10 year old nephew at your wedding, especially as your fiancée is close with his brother.
Why start off married life with this horrible exclusion of an important family member. The boy is precious to his parents who will be really hurt that you think he’s disposable at an important family event. Weddings are primarily for families and a nephew is a close family member.

Quite apart from the wedding, at ten years old, it should be you and fiancée and the other adults making the effort to forge a relationship with him instead of expecting him to make the effort first. Even if he’s difficult, he is still worthy of inclusion. Maybe he’s really awkward and shy for his age or maybe he realises you all think so badly of him so he prefers to stay out of your way on his Nintendo. Imagine being that ten year old knowing all his family think he’s a PITA. The kind thing to do as his Aunt would be to include him and encourage him to come along to experience a lovely family wedding. Talk to him about it and tell him what happens at a wedding. Reassure him. Let him know he can just sit quietly and observe if that’s what he wants to do….and he doesn’t have to stay for the party if he doesn’t want to. Accept him the way he is and. He might open up.

My advice would be to climb right down on this issue OP, make your nephew feel really welcome and hope something good comes from it.
Best wishes for a lovely wedding day.

Harsh to call you a princess but fine for you to call a child a PITA? Seriously? Do you always like to dish it out but can't take it?

we had a child free wedding ish, we had our son who was 1 and I had said my bridesmaids could bring theirs who were a similar age but actually neither did. The reality was if we had invited children we wouldn’t have been able to have half the adults we had. We had no immediate family with children and had we got nieces of nephews then they would have been invited. I think child free is fine but there should be a little wriggle room.

I think you need to say fine he can come. If anyone else kicks off point out that it’s your nephew and best man’s son; I’m sure no one will argue with that.
If you don’t, it’ll always be remembered and you’ll always feel guilty. To clarify though, I do think they are being entitled d1cks 😂

I'd say the princess was the one throwing a strop and refusing to come unless her 10-year-old can. Imagine demanding an invitation to an event.

It’s pretty normal to have your nieces and nephews at the wedding but not friends children.
it’s up to you but I think it’s harsh not having your husbands family at the wedding (that’s what he is).
I love a good wedding with friends and spending time with my husband childfree but if my sister was getting married (she already is) she would have 100% had my daughter there.
my daughter was the only child at my sister in law’s wedding (it was child free) all friends arranged for childcare. My daughter is family.

Did it say she threw a strop or did she say she was staying home to look after her child if he wasn't attending?

If you read the OP it was the child's father who was upset but even then it didn't say he threw a strop. Bit odd if brothers who are close can't talk to each other.

It doesn't change the fact that the OP thinks calling her a princess is harsh but she can say a child is a PITA more than once.

What?
She did exactly what MN say it's an invite not a summons. The Brother asked could they bring the boy.

The Groom made a decision (and committed a crime didn't consult the bride according to mn) Maybe the bride should just LTB if he's prepared to go against her wishes and put his family before her.

I still don't see what consulting the Op would actually do other than make him look under the thumb, her controlling and really was he going to go back to the Brother - No the boy can't come because the wife to be says so?

It's his wedding too, if having his brother & sil there was important to him then it's important to him. So he's made the decision to include the boy. (Probably with Nintendo & headphones 🎧)

I wouldn’t be able to go if I was the SIL in this case, all my childcare would be at the wedding. I wouldn’t throw a strop about it but we have no idea that the sister in law did. Many people do not have childcare on tap, especially for something as long as a wedding. To be fair, I’m not sure I completely understood that until I had children own . ( I did not have a child free wedding though- although it was mostly family children that came, friends tended to arrange childcare)

My brother had a child free wedding but my kids were invited for the ceremony and meal they then went to their paternal aunts after. Neices and nephews should get an exception they are not the same as the bridesmaids kids ( who I'm assuming are just friends) etc

That’s an odd reaction. It is not compulsory to take your children, even if they are invited.

He is your nephew and if your BIL is best man it sounds like your close.
Very strange to not want him there. 10 year olds might not be the best company but he is very close family. That's like saying oh my dad is a bit dull so I won't invite him. I can see why family would be shocked and upset he was excluded.

By definition child free wedding is code for massive piss up. I don't think it is appropriate to have one 10 year old at that type of event.