To not want to holiday with this child

[Birdsting]

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

Indeed.

Definitely say no, say family holiday, adult time etc. You don’t want to give him a reason to stay with her if he’s unhappy !

Absolutely nothing to stop the couple and the child having their own holiday! I wouldn’t want to spend a holiday with a child who runs around breaking things, finding eating places to suit them etc. It’s one thing if it’s your child and you HAVE to do that, quite another when you don’t.

It’s really not .

@Barnbrack would you expect someone who has met your DC once to invite them on an adult holiday and change the whole itinerary?

@Barnbrack this isn't about you or your DC. You are deliberately twisting what OP has written to make her seem unreasonable.
This is not about 'SEN'
This is about a 'child' (who they have only met once) going on an adults holiday and therefore completely changing the dynamics.

@Birdsting I really hope your DS comes alone. His GF sounds like a nightmare.

You can say that given the disparity in ages of the children, and the length of time you have spent saving and putting together your wishlist of activities, the planned holiday- possibly the last family holiday you’ll take together- won’t be suitable for a 9yo so sorry, not this time, but perhaps in future planning you could visit somewhere more appropriate for a younger child. I honestly don’t think that’s unreasonable.

There was a similar thread on here recently, and the consensus (up to the point I read to) was that the DC was an adult and if they wanted to spend the family holiday with their partner too, then that was their right, and it had people saying that they/ their child wouldn’t want a family holiday without their partner, and that time off work is precious etc. The only difference was that there wasn’t a child involved.

So what? She is allowed to go on holiday (as is anyone) with whoever she likes and not to go with anyone she doesnt want to

Disability or not. Old or young. Black or white. Religion or not.

I think you may potentially upset your older son and his girlfriend with this. I may be in the minority here but think it’s a bit mean spirited to exclude sons partner and her 9yr old.
Can’t they just come and you all do your own thing- You don’t have to be in each others pockets all the time.
I wouldn’t go down the route of saying this is a “family holiday” because it sounds like you don’t like his partner then- the relationships been there over a year and I expect he’s quite serious about her.

I too, agree with this.
Is she unwilling for DS to spend a concentrated amount of time with you all without her, knowing that he already has his doubts, and she’s attempting to engineer a row so that he doesn’t go?

I’d suggest that you and DS don’t change this family holiday but suggest that while the itinerary for this trip is sorted and is really not child friendly, why don’t we ‘all get something booked together really soon that will suit the 9 yr old too?’.

This may help to diffuse the situation a little for DS. I do feel she’s trying to stop the trip for him. Be careful.

No….it isn’t. No-one has to holiday with an unrelated child with runs around breaking things, has dietary restrictions etc. It’s mind boggling to me that you think anyone would have to! Particularly someone you’ve only met once!

OP wrote :I know this is bigger than the holiday as he’s tried to break up with this woman a couple of times and she’s just bombarded him with emotional blackmail until he’s given in. I do wonder how it’s all going to end as he’s admitted she makes him unhappy, she’s already cheated on him and at his age I’d rather see him with someone his age in a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman though.

It is clear that a holiday with this Gf may see drama from the woman (leave the poor SEN child aside) and spoil everyone's holiday.

But the child in this scenario is key. The holiday planned is a city break for adults and older teens. The presence of a 10yo would fundamentally change the nature of the holiday.

I do feel that OP should have titled her post better : She does not want to go on holiday with the Gf and the child is additional baggage, not the main cause of contention.

I think the city break thing is a red herring anyway. Even if it was a 'child centred' holiday, OP doesnt have to take people or children on it that arent her own family and who she doesnt want there. No one would.

Does the gf make the son unhappy though, or is the OP putting her own spin on it. Is this how he feels about it now or something that he said in past in reaction to something. He’s well over a year into this relationship.

The last sentence;

I’d rather see him with someone his age in a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman though.

makes me feel like this is about OP thinking sons girlfriend is not good enough and she’s doesn’t appreciate her “baggage” that she comes with.

Op give your DS the cover he needs to do this on his own by saying no, it’s an adult only family trip. He will thank you in person, if she is controlling she will demand access to his phone so you need to play a blinder here, give him the out.

Disagree with giving him an out - he’s a 23yr old man, if he’s not happy he needs to sort it out himself.

Yeah because all 23 year olds have developed all the life skills they need by this point, particularly how to deal with coercive and controlling partners
RTFT
🙄

Yes actually he needs to manage his own relationships without mummy doing it for him. Directly intervening is not helping a 23 yr old develop life skills. No one has said coercive relationship and there is no specific examples of what partner had actually done that is controlling. OP can support your adult son without direct interference.

But It’s only a fairly recent years that we infantilise people upto age 30.

No, naturally we include our DC always. But the DC in question is not part of OP's family. She has no obligation to include him and the holiday is not suitable.

He's 23. He's an adult.

Well, she knows her we don’t.

He may technically be an adult, but the brain isn’t fully developed until around 25 years of age and so not as mature as, say, a 30 year old. . If this were my son I would be extremely worried if he was playing parent to a 9 year old child, even more so one with SEN. In this situation his partner is older, controlling and abusive, and I would be very surprised if he’s not completely out of his depth.

it also seems very common on Mumsnet for children to be expected to fend for themselves once they reach 18 years, especially in terms of things like holidays. I know many families who still take their over 18’s on holiday with them, sometimes with girlfriends/boyfriends, sometimes not. And why shouldn’t they? There are no rules about when children should stop holidaying with parents, or that partners should always expect to be invited.