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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
MzHz · 26/05/2025 22:12

grapesandmelon · 26/05/2025 19:11

For next Easter? So they'll have been together nearly 2 years by that point? Yea, it'd be pretty shitty to exclude a partner of nearly 2 years. With a child with SEN, babysitting options are very limited so by excluding her child you would be excluding her.

They will have broken up by then.

@Birdsting say no. It’s not appropriate

Soontobesingles · 26/05/2025 22:26

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Not really. I have a SEN stepchild and everything we do is high stress needs constant vigilance and is extremely unrelaxing. I wouldn’t expect anyone to see a week away with SEN child as a relaxing holiday honestly.

Sharptonguedwoman · 26/05/2025 22:30

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

If the holiday is chosen and booked without having to take a disability into account, I don't think it's ableist. People might be able to make adjustments but it depends on the disability and the destination. If you knew in advance, you'd choose a holiday accordingly, surely?

LoveItaly · 26/05/2025 22:35

AthWat · 26/05/2025 20:41

Why is your 23 year old son who is in a relationship booking holidays with his parents?

Why is her only 23 years old son already playing step dad to a 9 year old? That’s what I would be concerned about, not whether he’s still going on family holidays.

Hwi · 26/05/2025 22:41

This holiday is the least of your problems - you need to extricate your son from this relationship - seen what Mrs Macron did to her boy today? Older controlling woman with a problematic child? Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Help your son!

hettie · 26/05/2025 22:44

This might be unpopular but it seems like you are still in the mind frame of ds being part of the nuclear family? Family holidays for 20 something 'kids'? They have their own lives/families/friends.....save big/milestone birthday events it's quite optional to have 'family' holidays with anyone over the age of 21 a bill paying adult Lots of families do this and make it work but it's not required (not the same as leaving a teen at home)and it's got to work for all.
Leave them out. If he wants an away from his family trip....his choice

TheTwitcher11 · 26/05/2025 22:51

Snorlaxo · 26/05/2025 19:24

Would the 9 year old enjoy the sort of things that your children will? For example if this is a shopping and going to galleries sort of thing then the itinerary would have to completely change to accommodate a picky 9 year old who would prefer playgrounds and fast food.
Are they expecting you to pay and babysit in the evenings so that they can go out ? I’d be concerned about them drinking and falling out then expecting you to wake up with the 9 year old in the morning.

How have you equated SEN with being picky and uncultured and also assuming the mum will drink heavily and they will be left to babysit? And most 9 year olds couldn’t give a shit about visiting galleries irrespective of being SEN, you sound so pompous it’s cringe 🤣🤣

SunnyViper · 26/05/2025 22:52

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Not really. I have family members with SEN and I wouldn’t want to holiday with them as it would be hard work and not what a holiday is about for me.

eldermillenialmum · 26/05/2025 22:55

I think it's fair enough if you don't want her to come and it's up to your DS whether he comes on that basis. They haven't been together long so they might not even be together this time next year.

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/05/2025 22:57

I'd definitely say no - say it's not the sort of holiday that a young child would enjoy and you don't want to all do something just because he wants to do it. Tell him the sort of things you all want to do - he'll see that it's not feasible that the child comes. Hopefully by then his girlfriend will have gone away. She sounds really awful.

Binman · 26/05/2025 22:59

YANBU a City break is not much of a holiday for most 9 year olds. I do think it’s unusual to invite an adult son on a family holiday without his family (if he sees them as his family) though. Can you and DH not just go with your teenagers?

And who is paying? His GF obviously doesn’t like him being away.

saraclara · 26/05/2025 23:02

I'd simply say that this location and the activities you plan to do aren't suitable for a child, so it wouldn't really work, and that your DH and DD need a relaxing time.

Then suggest that you all try to find another time to have a short break in the UK that includes his GF and the child.

Original poster
Birdsting · 26/05/2025 23:03

Thanks all. DS really wanted to come when he heard we had booked it as it’s to a place he’s always wanted to go. I know this is bigger than the holiday as he’s tried to break up with this woman a couple of times and she’s just bombarded him with emotional blackmail until he’s given in. I do wonder how it’s all going to end as he’s admitted she makes him unhappy, she’s already cheated on him and at his age I’d rather see him with someone his age in a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman though.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 26/05/2025 23:06

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 23:03

Thanks all. DS really wanted to come when he heard we had booked it as it’s to a place he’s always wanted to go. I know this is bigger than the holiday as he’s tried to break up with this woman a couple of times and she’s just bombarded him with emotional blackmail until he’s given in. I do wonder how it’s all going to end as he’s admitted she makes him unhappy, she’s already cheated on him and at his age I’d rather see him with someone his age in a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman though.

In that case maybe he’s secretly hoping you’ll say no!

Agapornis · 26/05/2025 23:07

Have you suggested to him that there is support out there e.g. the Freedom Programme?

You could clarify that it's a blood children only holiday. It's pretty normal.

BangersAndGnash · 26/05/2025 23:10

Tricky.

The main thing is to support your Ds to feel strong enough to withstand her and leave her.

Can you talk to him about love and relationships needing to be based on healthy happiness, and you would love to be in holiday with him and his siblings because you love him. And ask how he would feel if his birth had been a result of a relationship in which one of you had been emotionally blackmailed?

Eenameenadeeka · 26/05/2025 23:10

I'd say, just continue with your plans and if they are not child friendly, hopefully she won't join in on days out and you can mostly do your own thing. Although it doesn't sound like a positive relationship for your son so hopefully they will have ended things before then!

BangersAndGnash · 26/05/2025 23:12

I agree: he probably wants you to say ‘no’. So say no. It’s an adult holiday, not a kids and adults holiday. And tell him you are looking forward to it because you know how much he wants to visit.

BruFord · 26/05/2025 23:14

Does he have somewhere to live if he breaks up with her (you said that he lives on the other side of the country)? If he wants to end the relationship, could you support him in finding accommodation, then he can move out and block her number.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2025 23:14

@Birdsting

Sounds as if there are ample reasons to decline to invite this woman and her child, not the least that your DS is unhappy with her. This may be exactly the thing he needs to truly end it with her; time and distance apart with support from his family in staying strong.

Interesting you say you 'don't want to make an enemy of her'. Do you mind if I ask why? I'm assuming because you don't want her to 'make things difficult' between you and your son, but are there other reasons?

Boreded · 26/05/2025 23:14

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

No it isn’t. The op is bothered about the SEN, she is bothered about the change that this child will bring.

just because someone doesn’t want to spend their time with a SEN child, doesn’t mean they don’t want SEN children not to enjoy a holiday. Personally I wouldn’t want any child on my holiday, especially one that I am unable to relax around.

PawsAndTails · 26/05/2025 23:26

With your update it sounds like he wouldn't want her to come and you should say no. It will be easier for him to turn her down for the holiday if you are willing to be the bad guys he can blame.

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 23:27

Soontobesingles · 26/05/2025 22:26

Not really. I have a SEN stepchild and everything we do is high stress needs constant vigilance and is extremely unrelaxing. I wouldn’t expect anyone to see a week away with SEN child as a relaxing holiday honestly.

Show quote history

I have an SEN child, the idea of excluding them because it wouldn't be relaxing is mind boggling.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/05/2025 23:33

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Some parents leave their own kids at home for grown up holidays.

Rightly or not, if you've spent money on a holiday, the least you want from it is to be able to relax.

PawsAndTails · 26/05/2025 23:36

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 23:27

I have an SEN child, the idea of excluding them because it wouldn't be relaxing is mind boggling.

Show quote history

The SEN is incidental. A holiday with a child is less relaxing.