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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
Koalafan · 26/05/2025 19:31

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:29

It is ableist if it's not 'we don't want kids there' but just 'wr don't want this kids disability there'

Show quote history

I'm not sure you understand what ableist means.
OP us entitled to include or not include whoever she likes, disabled/SEN or not.

OtterlyMad · 26/05/2025 19:31

Do you honestly believe that a group of adults/teenagers who have booked a city break a year in advance should have to change all their plans to accommodate a young child with special needs who was not even invited in the first place?! If so, that’s absurd.

What if they were keen hikers booked to go on a walking holiday and the child was in a wheelchair? Would you be telling them they should have to switch to a resort and sit on their arses by a pool every day to accommodate them?

Feetinthegrass · 26/05/2025 19:31

It would be a no from me.

WilfredsPies · 26/05/2025 19:32

You could be completely honest with your DS and tell him that you think it will change the whole nature of the holiday, that the nine year old is going to be bored doing the things that everyone else wants to do, and that you don’t really want to do anything that would appeal to a nine year old, and you think that all of you would end up having a miserable time and being resentful of each other, so probably better to arrange a more inclusive holiday for another time, that the gf could have some input in as well. If you are doing some bits that would appeal to a 9 yr old as well, then say it’s probably one of the last holidays you’ll all take together as a family and that you want to relax and not be on your best behaviour, ready to welcome in new members of the family and making them feel like they’ve been embraced into the family unit.

Depending on his response, it might be a perfect opportunity to ask him whether he’s worried about how she’s going to react to being told ‘no’ and if he wants to talk to you about it.

Feetinthegrass · 26/05/2025 19:33

They can organise their own holiday op. I would say maybe next year if they are still together you will consider a trip then, but this one will remain the same. It is too big an ask, yes.

BruFord · 26/05/2025 19:34

They’re organizing their own accommodation, so I wouldn’t kick up a fuss - but I’d be honest with your DS and say that you may do some activities that a child might not enjoy. In that situation, they may have to come up with alternative entertainment. Some children enjoy sightseeing and museums, for example, but others don’t.

If they don’t want to do it, he and his partner will have to find something else for the three of them to do.

Essentially, this isn’t a child-centered holiday and you’re not planning to turn it into one.

Bex5490 · 26/05/2025 19:37

My child had ASD. He’s a handful and I don’t think it’s ableist for a distant family member to not want him on their holiday because of the energy that goes into him when he’s around!

Similarly I don’t think it’s ageist for someone to choose not to be around my 1 year old 🤷🏽‍♀️.

You pay for your holiday so you choose who you go with.

But DS is entitled to go away with them instead if that’s what he chooses.

TENSsion · 26/05/2025 19:39

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

I’ve seen a lot of posts like this on here. So many abusive husbands’ behaviours are explained away with “he sounds autistic”.
As if someone having an SEN makes it less draining and traumatic for people to deal with that behaviour.

So what if she’s unhappy to go on holiday with a child who has behavioural issues?
If the boy didn’t have an SEN but had a habit of breaking things and being difficult to spend time with, would she be allowed to not want to go on holiday with him then?

Why should she have to?

PangolinPan · 26/05/2025 19:40

I'm curious as to why they want to come, have you offered to pay? A city break with either of my children at 9, with no SEND needs would be a bloody nightmare.

AlorsTimeForWine · 26/05/2025 19:40

As harsh as it is...
I'd tell Ds he can come solo or he can not come.

Holidays are precious these days

BangersAndGnash · 26/05/2025 19:40

I think be honest with Ds and say that this isn’t really envisaged or planned as a holiday suitable for a 9 year old, and has a more adult focus. Be open and say you don’t think it fair to your DH to reconfigure as a more child friendly trip. And how much you have been looking forward to an adult trip with your family,

Emphasis on adult hol, not ‘family’. You won’t come out of it with him onside if you exclude a partner of 2 years on grounds of ‘family’ . He’s a grown up, partners become established.

Threecraws · 26/05/2025 19:41

When you have a child with additional needs you have to consider them carefully in the planning of any holiday so the fact that this holiday is already planned with adults and teenagers in mind it is very unlikely to be suitable for the child.

SibsInLaw · 26/05/2025 19:41

I'd be going with the whole - sounds brilliant, we'll book for just DS and teens and then organise something next time with partner and child.
Kids grow up so fast but we can take into account what would work best for teens and the partners child for the next family trip after Easter 2026 because this foodie/cycling/museum going trip at Easter has been long planned.
So brilliant but no this time.
In the meantime, they have a good think about what works well when DS & partner plus her child go away on their holiday.pool or no pool. Buffet or cook at accommodation.

LoveTKO · 26/05/2025 19:43

It will completely change the dynamic of the holiday. It would be a big No from me. Tell your DS that you have all discussed and have decided you don’t want any dependant children attending. It’s a decision for those already attending, not the decision of the girlfriend. They can go on their own at any time.

BusMumsHoliday · 26/05/2025 19:43

YANBU - it's a bad fit for reasons of the child's age as much as their disabilities.

I would say no, but I would offer something else. Could you and DH go and stay near older DS and organise some days out that his partner's child will enjoy? Or book a weekend away somewhere more kid friendly? That way you're saying, this is the wrong occasion, rather than we don't want to spend time with your partner and her child.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 26/05/2025 19:44

@Birdsting you need to be strong on this and say no. It's not on.

I can't believe the people saying organise another future holiday with them either? Why? Why would @Birdsting want to have a holiday with them at all ? By all means, include them on family occasions but you do not have to holiday with them FFS. I stopped having holidays with my parents by 20!

Good luck @Birdsting ! Hope your child gets out of this relationship if it's controlling and not good for them.

FuckityFux · 26/05/2025 19:45

Definitely not and spend the holiday helping your DS learn to stand up to this woman. At 23 he’s still a kid and unlikely to realise he’s being used.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/05/2025 19:45

I would say it’s not a holiday for young children, and/ or that it’s a family holiday only. You’ve got yours to teen years, and now your options open up in terms of the holidays you can do. Any 9 yo being there changes this. Plus the woman sounds like she’d change the dynamic too.

PussInBin20 · 26/05/2025 19:45

I wouldn’t. I mean they may not even be together next year.

Bournetilly · 26/05/2025 19:46

YANBU you’ve planned a city break that’s not aimed at children. It doesn’t sound as though the child would enjoy it anyway, it would end up being miserable for everyone.

TheWonderhorse · 26/05/2025 19:48

Why not chill out a bit. Have them come but no need to spend every day together. Meet up for the things that you could do together and split up to cover the trips/activities that aren't appropriate for children.

It's going to look like a rejection of the child otherwise. Don't give the controlling GF a stick to beat you with.

godmum56 · 26/05/2025 19:48

I think its fair enough to say its not a child centred holiday and on this occasion the answer has to be no.

Feetinthegrass · 26/05/2025 19:49

TheWonderhorse · 26/05/2025 19:48

Why not chill out a bit. Have them come but no need to spend every day together. Meet up for the things that you could do together and split up to cover the trips/activities that aren't appropriate for children.

It's going to look like a rejection of the child otherwise. Don't give the controlling GF a stick to beat you with.

Why? That’s just plain old people pleasing. It’s supposed to be a holiday!! Relaxing, enjoyable etc.

LoveTKO · 26/05/2025 19:49

I think the OP has explained that having any kid there changes the holiday. Even a quiet, go along with the flow, not causing a peep, kind of kid. A child attending = not the holiday she wants. A child with SEN attending = not the holiday she wants. OP and her DH paying for the holiday = their decision.

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 19:50

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

People do not have to spend time with people or children that they dont have to or dont want to. Presumably the child may not have such difficult and challenging and exhausting behaviour if he didnt have SEN, so therefore OP might be able to feel able to spend time with him.

People shouldnt feel obliged to do something they dont want to do, for 'fear' of being called names for it.