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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
UpMyself · 27/05/2025 15:46

@Praying4Peace The girlfriend wasn't invited, and it looks like she invited herself.

tuvamoodyson · 27/05/2025 17:09

IkeaMeatballGravy · 27/05/2025 11:30

I think you have hit the nail on the head. This is Mumsnet, where daughters can expect help for life, sons must cut the apron strings as soon as possible, otherwise they are a 'mummy's boy'.

Show quote history

Yes, I’ve said it before on here. A woman can complain about her partner and posters say ‘can you go to your mum’s? A man leaves a relationship and is immediately accused of ‘running back to mummy’ it’s so belittling simply because it’s a man…

Itsarecipefordisaster · 27/05/2025 18:13

SodOffbacktoaibu · 26/05/2025 19:13

You don't invite yourself to other people's holidays.

This!

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 27/05/2025 18:25

YANBU.

DS has ASC and ADHD and being on holiday with him is incredibly hard work and not at all relaxing. As his parents we do of course take him on holiday but I would never expect anyone else to have him on their holiday. It completely changes the dynamics and can make things quite stressful.

independentfriend · 27/05/2025 18:41

This thread seems to be getting the opposite response to a recent thread where someone didn't want her daughter's partner to come on a 'family' holiday.

I think given the man is 23, his partner needs to be seen as part of his family. (Yes they might separate). He isn't a teenager in a new relationship. So, if it were just the partner to consider she very much ought to be invited.

So the issue here is more about the compatibility of activities planned with a child. (SEN / disability or not, there's a huge age gap between her child and the teenagers attending).

That gives possible solutions:

  • Invite the partner as it's an adult friendly trip (she might have family who can look after her child and welcome the break) *Invite them both to the city and go through the itinerary together to pick out a couple of things where they can join you. Expect your son to alternate between being with you and being with his partner.
CaptainFuture · 27/05/2025 20:21

I wonder if a family had planned a holiday to Disney land Paris with their kids, then someone wants to add extra people who just wouldn't like the child focused fun of Disney, and suggested they change the holiday plans, would there be so much.. 'ooooh #bekind!.... of course you need to change things! you need to accept how they'll want to holiday!!....'

Pipsquiggle · 27/05/2025 22:11

independentfriend · 27/05/2025 18:41

This thread seems to be getting the opposite response to a recent thread where someone didn't want her daughter's partner to come on a 'family' holiday.

I think given the man is 23, his partner needs to be seen as part of his family. (Yes they might separate). He isn't a teenager in a new relationship. So, if it were just the partner to consider she very much ought to be invited.

So the issue here is more about the compatibility of activities planned with a child. (SEN / disability or not, there's a huge age gap between her child and the teenagers attending).

That gives possible solutions:

  • Invite the partner as it's an adult friendly trip (she might have family who can look after her child and welcome the break) *Invite them both to the city and go through the itinerary together to pick out a couple of things where they can join you. Expect your son to alternate between being with you and being with his partner.

@independentfriend

It's not a long relationship, less than a year and within that timeframe he has tried to break up with her at least a couple of times.

We don't even know if they live together, I hope not given there's a DC involved.

You don't revolve/ change your long awaited city break adult family holiday on the above relationship.

I didn't get invited to IL holidays until we moved in together, same for my then BF (now DH)

Ladynada39 · 28/05/2025 00:36

Not a hope would I invite them to join you guys!

FluffyBenji23 · 28/05/2025 08:01

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and I say this having grown up with a sibling with severe learning disabilities. We all love them dearly but the last time I took them away with other family it was a disaster and we ended coming up home early. It was impossible to balance their needs and those of the others, especially my tiny grandchild. Holidays are times to recharge and relax and this won't be possible with this child -who you really don't know well. I resolved this issue by ensuring my sibling has separate holidays with staff where they now live, but also make sure I include them in family DAYS out and any celebrations. Be firm!

CoffeeCantata · 28/05/2025 10:14

Missymoo100 · 27/05/2025 12:35

Emotional blackmail etc.. again what has she done, he said he was going to split and she got upset, persuaded him not to- not abuse.

the fact op doesn’t like sons partner, does not make it abusive. Sounds like overbearing parenting to me

don’t invite adult children living with partners and children, then leave them out of the invite- that in itself is controlling
Op then quite welcome to do as she pleases on holiday.

I totally disagree. Overbearing parenting, my foot! The overbearing person in this scenario is the very rude and entitled woman who expects to foist herself and her son on the precious holiday of people she hardly knows.

And her partner (a reluctant one, by the sounds of it), the son of OP, is clearly having his arm twisted to pressure his family to invite her....and her son!!

OP - your holiday and your son your priorities. Ignore this request and who knows - you might be helping your son to disentangle himself from this controlling and unpleasant-sounding woman.

aurynne · 28/05/2025 10:38

Oh the English propriety and dancing around the truth, here it goes again...

Come on women. Of course no one wants a child with extra difficulties crashing an adult holiday. Of course the SEN also affects that decision. Who the fuck would want a child screaming, running around, refusing food and wanting to go to children's places added to an adult holiday?

OP, just ignore all this prudish nonsense and repeat with me: "Fuck, no, honey. There is no way in hell we'd want a child like hers in the holiday we're planning. Not a fucking bloody chance".

There. Problem solved. Don't let it become your problem when it never was.

RampantIvy · 28/05/2025 11:41

I wish posters would read the OP's latest updates before getting on their high horse about the child in question.

It sounds like the child's mother is the problem here.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 28/05/2025 11:49

RampantIvy · 28/05/2025 11:41

I wish posters would read the OP's latest updates before getting on their high horse about the child in question.

It sounds like the child's mother is the problem here.

Yes....

All sounds lovely and the DC's mother can make any promise of mearly just wanting to join them but once out there if she starts making demands or her DC has meltdowns it's totally ruined not only the OP's holiday but her DH and teenagers too.

2011j · 28/05/2025 12:00

I would support your son, this is how rifts begin, I assume you don't want that

FinchAddict · 28/05/2025 12:35

Crazyworldmum · 26/05/2025 21:45

I’m assuming if your son marries this women you will never want them as a part of anything in your family ? Because having a disability is not easy so you will cut out anyone that joins your family and has one ? I know this is not your grandchild but what if your son has a disabled child in the future , I’m assuming you won’t want part in his life ?

What are you on!!!? The OP has every right to not include someone she's met once on an existing, booked holiday. Anyone; child or adult, SEN or not. It also doesn't mean she won't ever include them in anything.

The girlfriend has been on the scene 9 months. MN is usually (quite rightly) shocked that partners have even met the child in this time and surely should be hyperventillating at introducing the child to potential 'grandparents' via a family holiday, within 18mo of the relationship starting.

KoiTetra · 28/05/2025 12:54

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

It isn't to do with having SEN or not its to do with behaviour. The SEN may cause the behaviour but equally if a non SEN child behaved that way I wouldn't want them to come either.

Call me ableist, call me selfish whatever, if I have planned a holiday I want to enjoy it and not have it spoiled / the entire vibe changed by a child who cant behave (I appreciate the reason may not be the child's fault but that doesn't change the outcome)

CoffeeCantata · 28/05/2025 13:54

2011j · 28/05/2025 12:00

I would support your son, this is how rifts begin, I assume you don't want that

From OP's updates, I think the son is probably looking for support in getting shot of this woman. I don't think allowing her to barge into OP's holiday will help him do that.

Read the updates - he wants out but she is twisting his arm and using emotional blackmail to keep him with her. If I was his family, HE would be my priority for support, not this dodgy woman.

Springtime43 · 28/05/2025 14:37

aurynne · 28/05/2025 10:38

Oh the English propriety and dancing around the truth, here it goes again...

Come on women. Of course no one wants a child with extra difficulties crashing an adult holiday. Of course the SEN also affects that decision. Who the fuck would want a child screaming, running around, refusing food and wanting to go to children's places added to an adult holiday?

OP, just ignore all this prudish nonsense and repeat with me: "Fuck, no, honey. There is no way in hell we'd want a child like hers in the holiday we're planning. Not a fucking bloody chance".

There. Problem solved. Don't let it become your problem when it never was.

Can't argue with this!

Timetochillnow · 01/06/2025 09:17

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 23:03

Thanks all. DS really wanted to come when he heard we had booked it as it’s to a place he’s always wanted to go. I know this is bigger than the holiday as he’s tried to break up with this woman a couple of times and she’s just bombarded him with emotional blackmail until he’s given in. I do wonder how it’s all going to end as he’s admitted she makes him unhappy, she’s already cheated on him and at his age I’d rather see him with someone his age in a healthy relationship. I don’t want to make an enemy of this woman though.

I was in the say no camp as it’s unlikely that the trip you all have planned would suit a child but with this update I’m more sure they shouldn’t be invited.

your son is clearly not happy with this relationship and it may well not be an issue by next easter

can you visit your son in the near future and see him alone? It sounds like he needs support to create some space to make escape plans

Pipsquiggle · 15/06/2025 08:26

@Birdsting
How is the holiday planning going?

I hope you get the holiday you were hoping for and that your DS is OK

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