To not want to holiday with this child

[Birdsting]

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

Yeah, see, kids are not going to be mature if they have parents with attitudes like yours.

"Fend for themselves" is not a phrase that can ever be used in conjunction with holidays. You're not talking about putting a roof over their head and feeding them.

I'd forget the holiday for a minute & really focus on helping him break up with this woman & get her out of his life!

I knew it would be that someone would mention the brain development till 30 thing.. its like no one can have a relationship or make decisions for themselves or accountability anymore .. I think it really needs to stop unless we want a generation of adult children with stunted development.

@Missymoo100

So what would you do if your 23 year old child who lived at least 2 hours away started going out with a much older person with a child?
What would you do if your child said they had tried to break up with them more than once but they kept persuading them otherwise?
What if your child had said that they thought they were controlling?
What would you do if you had witnessed the incessant calls /texts that had been sent to your child when away from their 'GF?'

Would you think that, well it's their relationship, I can't get involved? Utter bollocks.

If this was a young woman, isolated from her family, seeing an older man with a SEN child who kept showing controlling behaviour, everyone would be telling her to 'run for the hills' and encouraging her mum to get involved.
Your sexism and lack of empathy is breathtaking

Also @Missymoo100 not inviting the GF/DC is not 'directly intervening'

The GF is not family and therefore her & her DC are not invited on an adult family holiday.

Sure that’s your own child. Not the child of your son’s girlfriend who you’ve barely met, which isn’t the same thing. I don’t exclude my stepchild but I also wouldn’t demand she is included in someone else’s holiday as I know it would be a lot of accommodating and managing and stress which isn’t what most people want on holiday.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. This is Mumsnet, where daughters can expect help for life, sons must cut the apron strings as soon as possible, otherwise they are a 'mummy's boy'.

How cheeky of the woman to invite herself!

This is YOUR holiday, OP. Holidays are meant to be relaxing, not harder work than normal life.

Your relationship with your son's gf shouldn't be dependent on feeling forced to take her and her son on holiday. I don't like the tone of some posters here who are trying to make OP feel guilty, and that a refusal (or a healthy boundary...) will naturally result in a poor future relationship.

Asking to come on someone's holiday - OMG - what unbelievable cheek.

100% this.

Absolute nonsense
He is not a “child” he is a 23 year old grown man capable of making his own decisions.
His choice to live 2hrs away is not your business, . For goodness sake people go off to uni, have jobs, move away. Persuading him to stay in the relationship is not controlling, he could make the decision himself to leave. You’ve not said anything she’s done is actually controlling. In fact it sounds like you just don’t like her or her child, clearly not good enough for your son- so maybe it’s best you have your holiday on your own- you’ll likely further isolate him by pushing them both away anyway.

I never said he was a child, he is OP's son and she will always care about him. OP has said that this woman has emotionally blackmailed him and that she is controlling and jealous. She has also cheated on him. It sounds like emotional abuse. No caring parent is going to be happy about thier child being in that kind of relationship. OP has no obligations towards this woman or her child, she can invite who she wants on her holiday. If this woman wants a holiday, she can book and pay for her own. OP's son can choose to go alone or not. Hopefully he will still go so he can decide to leave with the help of his family.

I’d all question why invite an adult son and then exclude a long term partner and her child- perhaps because they don’t approve. Sounds like mum might be the controlling one here.

Emotional blackmail etc.. again what has she done, he said he was going to split and she got upset, persuaded him not to- not abuse.

the fact op doesn’t like sons partner, does not make it abusive. Sounds like overbearing parenting to me

don’t invite adult children living with partners and children, then leave them out of the invite- that in itself is controlling
Op then quite welcome to do as she pleases on holiday.

@Missymoo100 , a relationship of less than a year isn't a long-term relationship.

@Birdsting ,the girlfriend will probably get pregnant.

Where does OP say they are living together? Are they really classed as a long term relationship? They got together last summer and have broken up during that time so really only a matter of months. Plus she has cheated on him. Why should OP take it seriously? Will they even be together when it's time to go on holiday ( hopefully not!)

that woman is not a long term partner FGS - she's a girlfriend of twelve months, who's also cheated, probably trying to find the best option for her. Another man possibly didn't want to get involved with her SEN child and she's back to OP's son.

I really can't understand this attitude against 23 yo son - we do help and advise our families and friends, why son is different? He doesn't even seem to be madly in love with her, just probably being nice and kind and not knowing how to end it

@Birdsting ,how much older is your son's girlfriend? Presumably she is at least 27, which isn't much older than him, but if she's 'older' (e.g.mid-late 30s) then the age gap is worrying.

People change a lot in their 20s, and 23 is very young to be getting involved with someone with a 9-yo child.

I'd say no to her coming on this particular holiday but suggest that you could all go on holiday together another time somewhere else.

@Missymoo100
RTFT

Total speculation and basically spiteful 'making things up' here.

OP should not have to agree to compromise her holiday because the gf if unbelievably cheeky and entitled.

And her future relationship with her son and this woman should not depend on her feeling bullied into accommodating a rude and unreasonable request.

I can't get over the cheek of that woman!

I also know a couple who regularly take breaks without their SEN DS.
He is nonverbal, breaks things and can't sit and eat at a table.

They obviously love him to bits, but sometimes need the time to reset.

Just because someone has a disability, doesn't mean its mean to exclude them.

It wouldn't be relaxing for OP's family, including her DS.

It's one thing if the GF had a good relationship with the family, but she's bad news, so no reason to bend over backwards.

But son's gf has a child that should be included. The accommodation will be separate so you will have plenty of downtime

But we're talking about the OP's son's partner's child, which is a long way removed from the child belonging to the OP. And why anyone would contemplate taking a SEN child on that type of holiday, when the child is so distantly related (loosely speaking) is a mystery.

Why should the child or GF be included? OP's son has been with the GF a matter of months (possibly weeks depending on when they broke up).

Why should OP put some woman she barely knows before herself, her husband and the child still living at home? It doesn't sound like even the son genuinely wants her there.

In that case @Birdsting I’d be making it clear that he’s very welcome to move back home if he wants a clean break from her.

As others have said, he needs to be careful that he doesn’t get her pregnant so the sooner they break up, the better.