To not want to holiday with this child

[Birdsting]

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

@Birdsting YANBU OP and just need to say "no". Your DS can then tell her this and come on holiday with you (or not - his choice). If he does come on holiday, I would encourage him to block her for the duration so he can enjoy it in peace.

OP said that the child has food issues. Limited diet means less choice of restaurants which might be part of the attraction of a holiday.
I meant that the adults and teens might want to do cultural things that have no interest to a 9 year old.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that ds and his partner might want to go out alone, have a drink because they are on holiday and the city might be one with a speciality drink. Op described the partner as controlling and in my experience of controlling people, alcohol can be a trigger to be even more unreasonable than usual.

I know that SEN and sleep issues often go hand in hand so I would be checking if they were hoping for a lie in or two during the trip.

I don’t have a child with SEN but making assumptions based on the OP.

It would be a no from me, even if they did book their own accommodation I wouldn't want to risk getting out there and be put on the spot or feel obliged to change my plans to suit someone I hadn't wanted to holiday with in the first place.

The idea of someone having a child, Sen or no Sen, and expecting others to accommodate them on a pre-arranged trip is mind boggling to me

Their want to go out for a drink alone, to have a sleep in, isn't my problem on holiday. I put aside all those things when I had younger children, now it's their turn to be in the phase of life. I might help out if it was a family holiday rather than an adult oriented one they weren't really invited on anyway. This holiday doesn't sound like that kind of holiday, so they do them and fit in with us as they can.

Maybe the child can stay home with his father.

To be honest, if she is a controlling character, I'd wonder if she genuinely wants to come on the holiday at all or whether she is suggesting she join with a child for a non child friendly holiday anticipating that she may be turned down, a rift then caused within the family and DS doesn't go on holiday. E.g. she's trying to engineer a way for DS not to have time with his family, by hook or by crook. In this case I would call her bluff and say sure, come along.

It's not that I would expect my child to be accommodated but the op somehow states this woman (who they have reason to dislike due to her behaviour towards her son ) but she doesn't say she doesn't want a holiday with this woman, she doesn't want a holiday with her disabled child

I still don’t see the problem. She doesn’t want to holiday with this child, that’s her prerogative

The disability is incidental. I wouldn't want to holiday with a child if I wanted a relaxing adult holiday without having to adjust adult activities. The child just happens to have a disability. If the mother than accused me of discriminating because her child was disabled, I'd think she just had a victim mentality, because I wouldn't want to take any child.

That’s all you need to say no, take him with you and give him some breathing space from her. Then work out a plan to support him to leave. He is possibly too afraid to say no to her otherwise he already would have.

Why? They want to be ABLE to enjoy their vacation.

I once left a family holiday three days early because my sister was not doing anything to reign in her son’s horrible behaviour.

Screaming at 5am, being a little a hole to the other kids and having tantrums. I got on the first plane home that I could get.

Well, if that is the case, I would certainly be saying no to her coming on this holiday. She is emotionally abusive and your son is a victim. It sounds like he needs the time away from her. I would tell him to say to her that his parents won't allow it, or it would make the teens uncomfortable or some excuse and use the time to bond with your son and help him leave a situation that he is trapped in. 23 is still young and it sounds like he needs your support.

Just to add, it is OK to say no! She cheated on your son and is controlling him. I know anger is not a healthy emotion, but why on earth would you agree to be polite for a week or so on a holiday to someone who has behaved like that to your son? Isn't that telling her that her behaviour is fine and accepted by you all? I don't think the child is the one I would be bothered about here.

Given your last post I would simply state that you and DH have not planned a child friendly holiday and do not have the bandwidth to either relax with (the purpose of this holiday) or entertain anyone other than immediate family members for the foreseeable future.

Runs around breaking things? That’s a no from me.
The food issues probably wouldn’t bother me and we’d manage a compromise, but running around breaking things…so no shops, galleries, restaurants, gardens or museums.

Unless he enjoys a pool, I wouldn’t know what to suggest anyway.

However I think pp are correct and your son wants you to say no. I think he also wants support to leave this woman, and the sooner the better.

So so much no.
What is it with people inviting themselves to holidays ? I wouldn't invite myself to a dinner party even on my own, never mind invite both myself and my more difficult DD along on someone's holiday!!
Sounds like your ds wants you to say no, it doesn't suit the group, not this time, just no.

That’s OP’s prerogative.

This seems to be mind boggling to you because they are your own child. Totally reasonable.

It's also totally reasonable for other people who have no relationship with that child to not want to spend any emotional energy dealing with them. I have SEN child as well.

OP, you (or rather your son) have much bigger problem than this holiday. 23 yo having relationship with controlling older woman with a very challenging child who is only 14 years younger than him - you do need to think about a way of helping your son to end this relationship before it's too late. She'll get pregnant "unexpectedly" and screw his entire life.

This is your own self imposed martyrdom to deal with. Other people, including SEN parents, don’t have to think or act like you.

People who know and love your child would be who to go on holiday with, not near strangers with no family connections. So put aside your judgement on this family who clearly dislike the GF (with reasonable cause) and have no obligation to put up with her offspring, SEN or not.

OP, no is a complete sentence. You don't have give an explanation. If your DS does not accept it, leave him out of this holiday and focus on your teens and DH.

As a parent that makes sense.
OP, however, isn't related to this child.

It's ok to not want a holiday with someone else's child, disabled or not.

.........And has only met him once!