To not want to holiday with this child

[Birdsting]

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

You could certainly tell your DS that his partner and her child are not invited. Be prepared for him to decline the holiday as well in that case. I wouldn't go on holiday with my parents if my DP and DP's child were not welcome. It's up to you, of course.

@MayaPinion Yes, that’s what I’d say. Plus I’d make it clear that you’re not going to be babysitting in the evenings so they can go out (unless you want to). This is your holiday, you’re organizing it to suit you and your teenagers. They can organize to suit themselves.

@WeHaveTheRabbit You wouldn’t expect your parents to tailor their holiday to your DP’s child though-unless they’d specifically invited the child, of course.

Their holiday shouldn't revolve around her and her child though.

@ButteredRadish errrrrr........ it's not about a 'disabled' child.
It's about not wanting a 'child' to go on an adult family holiday

Your DS is 23 and has a controlling partner, and is playing stepfather to a 9yo?

He needs to come on your holiday on his own and I suspect he is hoping you will provide him with the shield he needs to tell the partner that she and her child are not included. Blaming it on you will be easier than him saying no. The whole situation doesn’t sound great for him at all.

Absolutely not.
Family only holiday so your husband and daucan chill out.
Wouldn't even consider it.

No, I wouldn't. But it doesn't sound as though the DS in this scenario is doing that either.

I puzzled why a grown 23 year who lives away and a partner who has a child wants to holiday with his parents.

Then she needs to stop expecting her adult son to go on "family" holidays.

I don’t think that’s ableist; it’s realistic. Off the child right have SEN then they would be able to do different things. The child’s SEN would make a massive difference, especially on this type of holiday.

I would say that as it’s a city break it’s not really the kind of holiday that the child will enjoy but instead you’ll arrange a more suitable holiday park type trip where there is child friendly accommodation and activities

No it isn’t. It’s fact. If the child were able to fit in with the group and not spoil every activity and plan going (whether it’s his fault or not) it would be a totally different dynamic. The mother should have more foresight to not impose her son’s needs on a well earned holiday. She of all people will know that her kid’s presence would change EVERYTHING.

Don't be ridiculous - if the child didn't have SEN it would be an entirely different scenario although OP may still, understandably, not want a child on a basically adult holiday.

Accommodating any sort of disability doesn't work by pretending it doesn't exist - it does and evaluating the impact on an already arranged, and therefore not necessarily appropriate, holiday is perfectly valid.

@WeHaveTheRabbit That’s why I said that the OP should set out her expectations now so that her DS and his partner fully realize that the holiday activities won’t be changed to suit a child. They’ll have to sort that out themselves.

I have a child with ASD and I've been on plenty of holidays without him! In fact he prefers it that way. Definitely not ableist not to include him.

If this child is autistic then there's every chance that he will hate the holiday and be miserable, a city break sounds particularly unsuitable.

Well, you can go on holiday with the child then.

I don’t see how you can make a decision one way or another about a holiday next Easter? It’s almost a year away. They could be living together, engaged, expecting a child or split up. Whether her and the child “should” come will surely depend upon that?

I’m assuming if your son marries this women you will never want them as a part of anything in your family ? Because having a disability is not easy so you will cut out anyone that joins your family and has one ? I know this is not your grandchild but what if your son has a disabled child in the future , I’m assuming you won’t want part in his life ?

Hes invited, not expected. Go or dont go Im sure.

She's still entitled to not want a child with SEN to come on holiday with her. It changes everything.

On the basis that they will be in separate accommodation:

"Son, your siblings are getting older and keen to do more grown up things now. We are looking forward to adult activities on this holiday and don't want to change that to a holiday with child centered activities. We didn't mind doing that for years when you were young and enjoyed that then, but this year we are planning something different. You are welcome to come but just be aware that entertaining partner's child will be your and her responsibility. We won't be changing the planned activities or the holiday won't be what we planned it to be. Maybe in future we can do something more young family oriented, but this holiday isn't it."

At least then you get the holiday you want and have paid for and they know where they stand and what to expect for their holiday time.

OR............ @Crazyworldmum
If the GF and her son become an established, committed, long term relationship, there could be holidays completely centered around GF & her DS

City breaks are not child friendly really, unless you go and do all the child centrerld activities.
Have you actually spoken about what you will be doing, becuase I doubt very much it will be enjoyable for a child of 9 with SEN to do any of the things you plan to do.
Unless they do their own schedule, and meet you for little bits of it, or mother and son do some stuff separately. Maybe talk through your itinerary with your son and get him to think about it

Can you talk about how it could work? Ie you are planning to do x,y and z. Y and z are unlikely to appeal to 9 year old. So in effect maybe you meet for (some) meals and some of the rest of the time but maybe not all of it?