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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 26/05/2025 19:05

This is a very different holiday, and I think it's reasonable to say that everyone's expectations of this particular holiday are grown up things, but you can look at going away all together in the future. And then evaluate if you want to at that point if they are still together.

UpMyself · 26/05/2025 19:06

It's a family holiday and your DS's girlfriend of less than a year and her child are not family.

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/05/2025 19:07

Sod that.

Perhaps you could suggest that it's not going to be the kind of thing a 9 year old would enjoy as you won't be doing any activities geared towards children.

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

justkeepswimingswiming · 26/05/2025 19:09

I’d just tell ds it’s a family holiday, they’ve not even been together a year. If he wants to go on hoilday with her then he books one for them seperately.

Favouritefruits · 26/05/2025 19:09

i agree with pp, you need to go down the route of this is not a child friendly holiday, you don’t want to do child friendly activities or restaurants then maybe suggest a weekend at centre Parcs or something at some point… be vague

vodkaredbullgirl · 26/05/2025 19:10

🤔

grapesandmelon · 26/05/2025 19:11

For next Easter? So they'll have been together nearly 2 years by that point? Yea, it'd be pretty shitty to exclude a partner of nearly 2 years. With a child with SEN, babysitting options are very limited so by excluding her child you would be excluding her.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 26/05/2025 19:11

Just say it's an adult only trip but he can bow out and go away with her and her dc if he wants..

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2025 19:12

Just tell your ds no, it’s strictly you parents and your dc, not for kids and you don’t have many years left of the teens wanting to come on holiday with you.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 26/05/2025 19:13

You don't invite yourself to other people's holidays.

alcoholnightmare · 26/05/2025 19:13

I reckon if you go away it won’t be a holiday for you and your teens… but also not a holiday really for your son and his partner too.
i don’t know what to suggest, but I’d be making it clear that there would be no babysitting at all from you or your teens whilst away.

Koalafan · 26/05/2025 19:15

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

It's not ableist at all.
OP isn't saying she doesn't want the child to have a holiday at all, just that she envisaged a more adult/family holiday for herself. It won't be that if they include a child and another non-family member.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 26/05/2025 19:16

I would tend to agree that if someone’s been with your DS for two years (by that point) that a ‘family’ holiday includes them. You’re talking almost a year from now. If you’d include a 9 yo without additional needs after two years in your family, then not including them, and adapting to fit around them, is a bit of a dick move tbh.

Koalafan · 26/05/2025 19:18

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 26/05/2025 19:16

I would tend to agree that if someone’s been with your DS for two years (by that point) that a ‘family’ holiday includes them. You’re talking almost a year from now. If you’d include a 9 yo without additional needs after two years in your family, then not including them, and adapting to fit around them, is a bit of a dick move tbh.

Not necessarily.

LadyMary50 · 26/05/2025 19:20

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

It’s an adult holiday,they are entitled to choose who they holiday with Sen or not it’s their choice.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 26/05/2025 19:20

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Why is it though? This is the child of a girlfriend of less than a year…not a child ‘of the family’ that they’ve known and grown with since birth. A 9 year old with quite disruptive SEND needs is challenging for even the most devoted and loving parent. (I am a mum to such a child so I know what it’s like - and no, I would never have invited us to someone else’s holiday, as I’m totally aware of how much of an ask this would be!)

The OP wants a relaxing (adult oriented) family holiday. The child here will completely change this…it’s not ableist to point this out.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/05/2025 19:21

Not wanting to change the whole vibe of a holiday for someone who hasn't been invited isn't being unkind - if they'd wanted the GF and her 9 yo to come they'd have invited them. A city break is about culture, sightseeing and adult activities, not about changing the whole holiday to make it child friendly.

Vaxtable · 26/05/2025 19:22

I would just say sorry it’s a family holiday. If your sister doesn’t want to come now because of that then that’s up to her

Snorlaxo · 26/05/2025 19:24

Would the 9 year old enjoy the sort of things that your children will? For example if this is a shopping and going to galleries sort of thing then the itinerary would have to completely change to accommodate a picky 9 year old who would prefer playgrounds and fast food.
Are they expecting you to pay and babysit in the evenings so that they can go out ? I’d be concerned about them drinking and falling out then expecting you to wake up with the 9 year old in the morning.

Original poster
Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:25

Thanks everyone. I would feel the same if the child did not have SEN tbh. DS lives on the other side of the country and we’ve only met his partner a few times.

If it was just me I’d maybe suck it up but DH has had a hugely stressful time this year with workand DD has had MH issues she’s still working through, add to that the fact we have scrimped and saved for this holiday and it feels unfair that it’s suddenly been a bit hijacked.

We are past the kind of holiday that a 9 year old will want, SEN or not, and I don’t think it’s fair on any of us. I also think DS deep down would rather just have a holiday with his family, he has complained to us before about how controlling and jealous his partner can be. She didn’t come on our last holiday and spent the whole time texting and phoning him.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 26/05/2025 19:27

It would be a firm no from me. My children come first.

londongirl12 · 26/05/2025 19:27

I wouldn’t say no as it could cause a rift with your DS. However I would be firm in what the holiday is about, what you will be doing etc. they need to do their own thing or follow in with what you have planned. Have a serious talk about whether the child can cope with a loud noisy city, busy in Easter holiday?

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:29

Koalafan · 26/05/2025 19:15

It's not ableist at all.
OP isn't saying she doesn't want the child to have a holiday at all, just that she envisaged a more adult/family holiday for herself. It won't be that if they include a child and another non-family member.

Edited
Show quote history

It is ableist if it's not 'we don't want kids there' but just 'wr don't want this kids disability there'

IkeaMeatballGravy · 26/05/2025 19:30

It sounds like your DS is being taken advantage of, hopefully he comes along on the holiday alone so he has the opportunity to rethink his options.