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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to holiday with this child

270 replies

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:03

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

OP posts:
GeminiGiggles · 26/05/2025 20:38

If you truly think DS would prefer to come on his own and the gf is controlling then you being a bit awkward and saying no and letting DS blame it on you is a gift to him really.

But regardless of your feelings on her you will probably have to accept her as family if the relationship carries on going forwards because as others have said by that stage it'll be 2yrs which is a fairly reasonable amount of time to be included in family events.

HappyLols · 26/05/2025 20:39

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

So if I don't want to go on holiday with my parents because they are old, can't walk far and it is a walking holiday - am I being ageist?

AthWat · 26/05/2025 20:41

Why is your 23 year old son who is in a relationship booking holidays with his parents?

LimitedBrightSpots · 26/05/2025 20:44

It's a holiday for parents and grown-up children and teens. Not for a 9yo child. It's not geared around a child's needs.

I'd say no but if your DS would like, you could look at doing a short break more geared to a young child's needs either beforehand or soon afterwards.

ERthree · 26/05/2025 20:46

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:08

If the child didn't have SEN would it be different for you? That's a pretty ableist view if so

Not abelist at all. Having the child there would change the whole break for OP and her Husband. Having a SEN child that has food issues would impact their holiday.

ACynicalDad · 26/05/2025 20:46

Barnbrack · 26/05/2025 19:29

It is ableist if it's not 'we don't want kids there' but just 'wr don't want this kids disability there'

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There are no other children going by the sounds of things, and this child only has a tenuous link to this family. It has no right to change everyone else's plans.

Springtime43 · 26/05/2025 20:51

Grammarnut · 26/05/2025 20:08

It might be but someone else's disabled child is not the OP's responsibility and the planned holiday is not geared to the DC. It's reasonable to explain that the holiday is not suitable - otherwise it will end being a holiday entirely geared to the DC and not anyone else, and the OP doesn't have an obligation to do this.

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This

Pipsquiggle · 26/05/2025 20:51

I think saying that it's an adults only family holiday that's not suitable for DC is completely reasonable.

Try to talk to your DS when he is alone. Getting involved with an older woman with a DC is a lot for a 23 year old. Is he OK? I bet she's controlling over him, I bet she can't believe her luck. A break away from her with his family might be just what he needs

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 20:56

HappyLols · 26/05/2025 20:39

So if I don't want to go on holiday with my parents because they are old, can't walk far and it is a walking holiday - am I being ageist?

Edited
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And abelist by the sounds of it because of their mobility

Apparently we all have to want to spend time with someone regardless of whether that suits us or not and if not, we'll be called nasty names!!

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/05/2025 20:57

As someone with a ND child in the family, I would never ever exclude him because of it.

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/05/2025 20:58

ERthree · 26/05/2025 20:46

Not abelist at all. Having the child there would change the whole break for OP and her Husband. Having a SEN child that has food issues would impact their holiday.

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This child is in her son's life. How sad so many of you think like this

Away2000 · 26/05/2025 20:59

I’d tell him it’s not suitable for them to come. Plans are already made and not suitable for child. I have a high needs SEN child and there’s no way I’d invite ourselves on a family members holiday. I’m not delusional and know it’s draining for others to deal with and I’m sure she’s aware of that too.

PorgyandBess · 26/05/2025 20:59

No. Sod that.

Brooklynbridge · 26/05/2025 21:00

I would never want to go on holiday with someone else’s children.

AthWat · 26/05/2025 21:00

GeminiGiggles · 26/05/2025 20:38

If you truly think DS would prefer to come on his own and the gf is controlling then you being a bit awkward and saying no and letting DS blame it on you is a gift to him really.

But regardless of your feelings on her you will probably have to accept her as family if the relationship carries on going forwards because as others have said by that stage it'll be 2yrs which is a fairly reasonable amount of time to be included in family events.

The norm is for the son to stop going on holidays with his parents, not for his partner to start coming.

CaptainFuture · 26/05/2025 21:00

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 20:56

And abelist by the sounds of it because of their mobility

Apparently we all have to want to spend time with someone regardless of whether that suits us or not and if not, we'll be called nasty names!!

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Not only spend time with them, but totally re-org a family holiday to fully suit to gf and her dc..

lifeonmars100 · 26/05/2025 21:00

No, it will change the whole dynamic of the holiday and not in a happy and positive way.

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/05/2025 21:01

Well it's almost a year away so lots could change by then. I'm not too sure whether your DS wants his gf and her child to come, or if this is all being driven by her? You can definitely say the holiday will not be child-friendly, and if you are paying for everybody nobody comes without your invitation. Your DS may decide he wants to holiday separately with his 'new' family though.

Welikebeingcosy · 26/05/2025 21:02

The question is, is this your DS' only holiday of the year or can he afford to go away with his partner and her son as well?

museumum · 26/05/2025 21:02

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/05/2025 20:57

As someone with a ND child in the family, I would never ever exclude him because of it.

As someone with an ND child in my family I would never have planned a city break for them at 9 yrs old. It’s likely to be entirely inappropriate in term of busyness sensory overload unusual foods and not of any interest to them at all.

ButteredRadish · 26/05/2025 21:02

YANBU to not want strangers on your holiday. YABVVVVVVVVU & ableist to hold such a negative view of a disabled child. You sound vile

soupyspoon · 26/05/2025 21:03

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/05/2025 20:58

This child is in her son's life. How sad so many of you think like this

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And thats her sons choice. Might not be OPs choice to be around him though, why should it be?

If it is, great. If it isnt, also great. Its her choice. Athough as she said its not so much about his behaviour its because she doesnt want a child there.

whistlesandbells · 26/05/2025 21:03

I am also totally lost as to why you are considering a holiday with a 23 yr old adult child who is in a relationship with a woman who has a 9 year old child. They barely know each other and you do not know the girlfriend or child at all. Your DS should be going on holiday with them and paying his way for that.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 26/05/2025 21:04

Birdsting · 26/05/2025 19:25

Thanks everyone. I would feel the same if the child did not have SEN tbh. DS lives on the other side of the country and we’ve only met his partner a few times.

If it was just me I’d maybe suck it up but DH has had a hugely stressful time this year with workand DD has had MH issues she’s still working through, add to that the fact we have scrimped and saved for this holiday and it feels unfair that it’s suddenly been a bit hijacked.

We are past the kind of holiday that a 9 year old will want, SEN or not, and I don’t think it’s fair on any of us. I also think DS deep down would rather just have a holiday with his family, he has complained to us before about how controlling and jealous his partner can be. She didn’t come on our last holiday and spent the whole time texting and phoning him.

Say no then. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll end it.

Koalafan · 26/05/2025 21:10

ButteredRadish · 26/05/2025 21:02

YANBU to not want strangers on your holiday. YABVVVVVVVVU & ableist to hold such a negative view of a disabled child. You sound vile

Eh?