To not want to holiday with this child

[Birdsting]

We have a family holiday booked for next Easter, a city break that me DH and two teens and DS23 really looking forward to.

DS23 in relationship with older woman since last summer. Woman is v controlling and has a child of 9 with quite challenging SEN - physically no issues but nonverbal, runs around breaking stuff, food issues, generally very tiring though also a sweet kid. We’ve only spent a day with them before and we were all shattered afterwards.

DS partner and her child now want to come. DS doesn’t seem to see this is quite a big ask. Will stay in separate accommodation but expectation will be to spend days together.

None of us are keen. Will change the whole holiday IMO. AIBU?

You bluddy can!

Since when did people start inviting themselves on other people's holiday?

I do think that at 23 and with a long term partner, however much you dislike her or feel she's bad for your son, you need to shift your mindset somewhat that the days of your nuclear family holidays are probably coming to an end. You could perhaps frame this as one last family holiday with just the 5 of you.

Can you say that to him? Sorry darling, this needs to be just close family because we’ve had such an awful year and everyone needs to relax. If you don’t want to come without new partner we understand but she’s not invited this time I’m afraid. We can try and all arrange something more suitable next year.

I think the point is that the OP said that the son is booking accommodation for him, his girlfriend and her child. No one can stop that.

What OP can say is that we've planned things for us and the kids and it wont involve a 9 year old.

Well no, they can't stop the ds, gf and her dc booking their own holiday, but that doesn't mean they get to force their company on op and family.

Clearly because the girlfriend doesn't want the OP's DS out of her sight

I think it’s realistic to acknowledge that it’s less of a relaxing holiday if there is going to be a child there with complex and demanding needs. A lot of families with SEN children just never go on holiday because it’s too much for them to manage and everything is even more challenging in a new environment than it would be at home.

And/or she envisages free childcare.

Not really isn’t. It’s a holiday with certain plans that will be compromised with a SEN child. That’s the reality. No one has to go on holiday. It’s not mandatory.

Do your DS a favour and give him a hard no.

He will probably be relieved.

If GF gets arsey, tell your DS that you are happy to explain to her that it's an adult trip and you are pre-booking, cultural adult activities that her DS won't enjoy and may not even be allowed to take part in.

Be firm.

It’s not the slightest bit ableist to not want to have a relaxing family holiday ruined by a severely sen child

she’s not being rude, stereotyping , or disrespectful to wards this child - just factual
this is hard, hard work and shattering , they don’t have to choose this for their holiday

It’s quite ok in 2 years to have an adult only family holiday. No one can force the OP into a holiday they don’t want. If DS 23 doesn’t want to go without his partner and her dc then he doesn’t have to go.

I'd find it really strange as a long term girlfriend to not be included in something like this - even more so as your DS seems to be ok with it.
You don't want to do child friendly things though and that's fair enough.
I'd say if they're paying their way, they come but make it clear you don't intend to spend all the time together as you will be doing things for teenagers not little kids. Meet for breakfast/or evening meals but you will be doing your own thing daytime.

Yes thats fine for her to not feel they arentbher family.

But he gets to decide that for himself. Hes invited, so she might want to prepare for him pulling out if they aren't invited.

It also sounds quite ableist. She specifically mentions him having sen. Why mention that if this just that he's not family?

I'm not playing the "what if" game, that hasn't happened. I'm commenting on this specific situation, nothing else.

No, its up to him to decide if they're his family. No one else.

Could you just give your DS his share of the £ you’ve saved for him so he can put it towards a family holiday for them?

Meals can be quite stressful for SEN children too, depending on their needs - OP doesn't have to include them in this either if she'd rather not. 🙄

Just say no. Your ds is an adult and holiday with his partner separately.

It's not up to him to decide if they're included in a family holiday.

You could just say, ‘Sure, but we’re not planning on doing child friendly activities while we’re there. We could meet up for a coffee or a walk on a few of the days?’

She’s hardly going to give him the money when she disapproves of the relationship

@Fruitbat99 , his family, yes, OP's family, no. OP has only met the woman a few times.

Even if it means upsetting your other dc and your exhausted DH?

you sound like you have a golden child who is always out before others.

Will they even be together in 11 months?

He really shouldn’t be including the child in their dates? He definitely shouldn’t be holidaying with him and even more so playing happy extended families. She is totally irresponsible and you can pint out that you don’t want to encourage it.

I would say, the holiday is adults only, that way his gf can’t take offence like if you said family only. It also gets the message across you will not be up to doing anything child friendly nor babysitting.