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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - my husband is constantly messaging my friend

152 replies

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:44

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

OP posts:
CiaoMeow · 25/05/2025 22:00

The work together and then spend time together at lunch times, in the evenings and at weekends, and that's YOUR issue, not his? Has he gaslit you into thinking this? Like he will probably tell you he sent that pic of himself by accident. Or as a joke.

ThisChic · 25/05/2025 22:05

ninjahamster · 25/05/2025 17:47

Sorry but he’s taking the piss. He’s clearly invested in her, maybe not physically but certainly emotionally.

This.

ThisChic · 25/05/2025 22:06

CiaoMeow · 25/05/2025 22:00

The work together and then spend time together at lunch times, in the evenings and at weekends, and that's YOUR issue, not his? Has he gaslit you into thinking this? Like he will probably tell you he sent that pic of himself by accident. Or as a joke.

Also this. Either he loves and prefers the OP to this other woman or he prefers the other woman. It's his choice. OP, whatever happens you are worth more!

Festivespirit85 · 25/05/2025 22:11

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:44

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

Only people who go mad that their OH has looked through their phone has something to hide.
Be honest and tell him you've looked because your gut is telling you something is off, and that in the process you have found the pic that he sent to the other woman first!
It's not acceptable and a form of cheating. Tell him to pack his shit and go.

LondonFox · 25/05/2025 22:24

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:45

Yes - a selfie in just his boxers

Good Night GIF
  1. So you know a same woman from a gym? And.. he works with her. At first he got solid 8h a day with plus extra hours.
he spends some of wake hours with you both and few hours (I hope) solo with you.
  1. Did she report that back to you?
If not aske her about it. If she plays dumb... she is not your friend. Maybe he sent it to a wrong number. She would be like oh yes, I deleted it, we all have fat fingers sometimes..
  1. Tbh I would not want my DH to spend 10+ h every day plus weekends with another woman. Guess the gym thing is just a curtain for fully blown emotional affair.
From his side he would like to make it physical if he is sending lewd pics.
ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 25/05/2025 22:34

Ask him how he's feel if you sent his mate a picture of you in your pants and bra. Ask him how it's 'different' when he claims it is.

It's not.

He's a dick.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 25/05/2025 22:39

Blaaady hell. On the basis of him sending that pic alone I would forget it. He’s rubbish. Get out while you can.

Fuzzypeachdewberry · 25/05/2025 22:39

What a disrespectful tosser clearly with an ego bigger than his heart !! No wonder your self esteem is affected that would erode at anyones self confidence. I dont want to say this but it sounds as if their is more going on their usually is. I wouldnt give him the privelage of saving your marriage hes not giving one toss about you whilst sending budgie smuggler images to a female who is just as bad as him. Play dumb , go and get advice and gracefully execute the bastard and your marriage with elegance and integrity say nothing to him. You deserve better. Wishing you all the best 💐

Fuzzypeachdewberry · 25/05/2025 22:42

And as for the friend , shes not your friend !! The lovely ladies on here giving you advice are better friends to you 💐

healthybychristmas · 25/05/2025 22:45

Do you think so little of yourself that you think you have to put up with this? He is sending intimate photos of himself to another woman, going on dates with her and telling you to shut up about it. Why would you put up with that?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/05/2025 23:07

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:45

Yes - a selfie in just his boxers

I have a number of male friends but not one would ever send me a picture wearing just his boxers. This isn’t normal between friends; would he send a similar picture to one of his male friends? This is more than a friendship.

Crispynoodle · 25/05/2025 23:24

🚩 🚩

Pistachiocake · 25/05/2025 23:28

See, all my life I've had friends of both sexes, and would get annoyed if my partner had an issue with me messaging them. But I have NEVER sent any pictures of myself that could be called spicy-because why would I? No, you shouldn't want to look through his phone, but it means one of two things-either you have a problem, or you (possibly subconsciously) know something's up. The only excuse is if he meant to send the photo to you, but sent it to her-then realised and panicked.

JHound · 25/05/2025 23:31

You have am issue that he sent it to her first….?

Not an issue with him sending it to her full stop?

RunningJo · 25/05/2025 23:38

First, this woman is no friend of yours. I would message and ask when she was going to tell you about the picture he sent
Second, I’d tell him that your friend has told you he sent the pic to her, and then watch his reaction. Yes it’s a white lie, but you’ll see how it unfolds then.

You deserve answers and honesty so you can then decide what to do next.

Justhere65 · 25/05/2025 23:39

He is clearly very invested in her and she is definitely no friend to you. It would be game over for me. Send him packing … with his boxer shorts (yuk).

HollyIvie · 25/05/2025 23:50

sorry, it sounds like they are having an affair.

strawlight · 25/05/2025 23:55

I’ve have several male mates, tons of messages over the years, not once has any of them ever sent me a selfie let alone one in their pants. Sorry but I agree with others that something’s going on or is about to.

Also, crucially, what was her response to the photo?

NoBots · 25/05/2025 23:56

HenDoNot · 25/05/2025 17:49

She is not your friend and he will be in her knickers the split second she allows him to be.

Agree. And might’ve happened already.

MsDDxx · 26/05/2025 01:09

CharlotteRumpling · 25/05/2025 19:03

I have many male friends. I dont send them pics of myself in my undies.

There is SOME middle ground!

Show quote history

HWI is a bit bonkers. Just ignore 😂

DBD1975 · 26/05/2025 02:30

You had me at 'they have been working out together in their lunch break', the rest is just total madness.
He is showing you nothing but disrespect and then making you feel you are in the wrong when you call him out on it.
I am really sorry OP but for me the.relationship would be over, only you know if you want to stay with a man who has so little regard for your feelings. His behaviour is unacceptable on every level, 15 years in very hard to accept but please don't waste anymore of your life on someone who is not worthy of you doing so, you deserve better.

DBD1975 · 26/05/2025 02:44

outerspacepotato · 25/05/2025 19:23

So that's why he spent 3 and a half hours at the gym on your kid's first birthday.

OMG! Unbelievable, I remember the other post, didn't realise this was the same person.
OP please find someone to actually talk to who can help and support you through this situation. Your husband is despicable and you deserve better.

Milosc · 26/05/2025 03:22

Cut off the friend because they are clearly not your friend. No friend gets a half naked pic of their friend's dh and doesn't say anything. Sounds like she is enjoying the attention. Tell your DH to cut her off too or you will be leaving. It is not appropriate and he is behaving horribly. It sounds like they are dating and he spends all his time with her. Emotional affair at the very least, probably physical or about to be in light of the half naked pics being sent. You deserve better OP.

knittasgonna · 26/05/2025 03:27

It's not a popular opinion on MN, but when you look at your spouse's phone and find damning evidence of either cheating or extremely inappropriate texts, you no longer need to feel bad about seeking proof to back up what your gut has been telling you and he's repeatedly minimised or denied. He may try to derail the conversation and make it all about you checking up on him, but clearly you were right to suspect that something wasn't right, and he wasn't open to having an honest conversation about your worries. The 'relationship crime' of checking a phone is nothing compared to what he's been up to.

He's risking his family for this so-called friend. I'd make that very clear (if you're still open to forgiving him), but unfortunately, it doesn't seem likely that he'll accept that what he's done is wrong, and even if he says he's sorry and will make changes, it won't be easy for you to trust him again. It shouldn't be easy, because you have every reason in the world to distrust him, given how he's behaved.

MsDogLady · 26/05/2025 03:51

@burns4273, you are being betrayed by these two snakes.

Your H is absolutely cheating with your so-called ‘friend’. They can’t get enough of each other and spend all possible time together. I would assume that they aren’t always at the gym. When unable to be together, they are constantly messaging. This low-life even ditched your baby girl on her first birthday to spend time with OW.

As to where the couple are on the cheater’s path, the teasing boxer photo and intense level of contact suggest that their EA has turned physical or soon will.

Be aware that his contemptuous shut-down of your valid feelings is a manipulative tactic straight from the Script to keep you at bay while he carries on with his girlfriend. He gaslights you by shifting the blame to your not trusting him. The truth: he is untrustworthy, unfaithful and dishonest. You’d be very foolish to believe his lies and allow yourself to be further bamboozled by him.

@burns4273, you have repeatedly spoken to H to no avail. He doesn’t care. Clearly his priority is OW and the thrills and validation he gains from their affair. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to further gaslight you. The sexy photo sent to her first should be your impetus to take definitive action and send him away as a sharp consequence. After all of his massive disrespect and faithless behavior, I would be filing for divorce.