AIBU - my husband is constantly messaging my friend

[burns4273]

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

If my husband sent a photo of himself wearing just his underwear to a woman he would be dumped then and there.

Your husband knows he can shut you up by being aggressive and belittling you saying it’s you that is insecure.

Hes quite clearly having his cake and eating it.

The friend upon receiving such a picture should have immediately blocked him and told you but she didn’t so she’s no friend and is complicit in his cheating on you.

DUMP him asap.

Well the pic suggests their either having an affair or he's sexually harassing her, right?

Noooooo! This isn’t right.

I message my best friends husband but it’s because we have a similar sense of humour and it’s stupid jokes. Never have we been out for food alone and if he sent me a picture in his boxers I might puke. Trust your instincts there’s something fishy here

This is not normal or ok OP. Would you send pictures of yourself in your underwear to other men? Your husband is having or pursuing, at best, an emotional affair with this women!

‘I have tried to bring it up sensibly’. Ehh why? I think you’re being very restrained. He turns on you and attacks for you bringing up or checking his phone. Oh he very clever isn’t he. A gaslighter. Making you feel wrong for having very very normal concerns. I hate to say it but you need to get him told. He’s taking the P.

If you are genuinely questioning what to do, re-read your own post and pretend it is happening to a friend/ relative or stranger. I think that it quite clear he has behaved appalling, both with the picture and the dismissive attitude he had about your concerns.

I wouldn’t give two shits that he’d go mad because you looked at his phone. You look at his phone because you don’t trust him. You then find the incriminating photo so you were right to check.

I’d say:

So I checked your phone, because I don’t trust you. Saw that you sent that picture of you in your pants to Kelly. Not happy about that at all. You need to leave. It’s over. Huh? You’re angry because I looked through your phone? Couldn’t give a fuck babe, off you fuck.

I agree with the above - stand firm and don’t let him stop your flow with “what are you doing in my phone”

I’d say his behaviour has made you feel distrusting and his response when you tried to speak to him about it (as the first option) more so. When he clearly wasn’t being honest, you’ve looked for the facts and found he sent her it. (Heck, it might be a bad idea, but I’d tell him she told you that he sent it to her. He will feel betrayed!) honestly what an utter prick. Who sends selfies in their boxers to YOUR friend. I hope you leave him!

Why do they need to spend so much time at the gym that they are going @ lunch, evenings and weekends? Do you have kids? When does he spend time with you?

The fact that he gives you such a hard time about talking about it doesn't reflect well on him or his communication skills.

I don't look on my husband's phone, but occasionally I've seen something over his shoulder (maybe a conversation with someone I don't recognise) and if I ask about it he takes the time to explain and show me. He would never turn it around and say "you shouldn't be looking at my phone" - that is what guilty people do. Yes, as a rule we shouldn't look at each other's phones, but if you've been together for 15 years and you suddenly have real cause to suspect something, you get a pass for looking at it, and he doesn't get to use that as a way to misdirect and gaslight you.

Sorry lovely but they are having an affair, it's plain to see. Bin them both off. Don't give two flying hoots about what he'll say about you looking at his phone, he has done something wrong. Hurts now but you'll thank yourself every day you trusted your gut and checked that phone, I know I've been there. It wasn't an accident either as in WhatsApp if you accidentally send something to someone you can delete it on both ends. She's no friend of yours and he's no partner of yours.

Surely sending underwear pics to another woman would count as cheating for most people?! It certainly would for me.

I would end it.

You’re massively under reacting if anything! How would he react if he found out you’d sent a photo of yourself in your undies to a male friend?

I’m so sorry but it sounds like your marriage is over

Absolutely no to this, he is being ridiculous and twisting things to suit him. Sending a pic to another woman in his boxers??! He’d be fine with you sending out pics to male friends in your bra and knickers right? In fact, why don’t you take a nice pic in your undies now and then say I think I’m going to send this to Jason at the gym. And if he makes a fuss, say but don’t you trust me when I say I love you? Jason is just a mate. When you go meet X in the evenings, I meet Jason.
I’m kind of joking but my goodness this nonsense makes my blood boil. He is being disrespectful and he knows it. You need to make it clear you will not tolerate that and if he finds that problematic I think you should end it. You may feel that’s extreme but the fact he needs to told he shouldn’t send pics of himself in his boxers to other women suggests you don’t have a lot to work with here.
You deserve to be treated so much better and don’t let him tell you otherwise. Best wishes x

He’s testing the waters. If she replies positively, he can keep pushing on. If she responds negatively, he can say “oops sorry, meant to send it to @burns4273 “

They are either getting it on or planning to. Sorry 💐

He has already crossed the boundary by sending her a half naked pic of himself! What was her response? As it should be telling him how inappropriate it is, anything other than that is her indulging him. Was she your friend first or his? Also it sounds like he spends more time with her than you! Work together and gym a couple times a week! Are you sure they are at the gym? Don’t trust either of them, she definitely isn’t a friend of yours. And don’t worry about him having a go about you looking at his phone, what he has done is 100 times worse

He's prick. He's clearly interested in her. I'd run now b4 he goes any further and breaks your heart

Sorry he is having an affair. Either emotional but more likely physical. If he won’t address it talk to the friend to see how she responds. One thing I know for sure is when men get defensive and don’t take your concerns seriously about something like this then you are being gaslit and you need to confront it fast and face reality. I am so sorry xxxx

Exactly. Again so sorry xxx

They are both taking the piss and they think you are a mug.

Was the picture a check out my muscle definition picture (especially if you're also a gym head)? Because he sounds like that type and their vanity overrides what's appropriate or not. Don't get me wrong, there's also a very good chance of there being more to this than friendship, but as I say, gym bros usually don't give af about showing the world their bulge to show off their V and abs

Even if it were entirely innocent (yeah right) the fact that he has so little consideration for the effect of his behaviour on you speaks volumes.

You don’t need proof. You don’t need him to admit he’s in the wrong. It is sufficient that this situation makes you feel awful and this isn’t the way you want to feel. You deserve to feel safe, secure and loved. But if you wait for him to confirm what you are experiencing, you’ll be stuck forever.

Do you know the term DARVO? It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender. When you challenge his behaviour, he denies wrongdoing, accuses you of not trusting him, and suddenly he’s the victim. Classic stuff!

YANBU, he is playing you for a fool!

He is making a fool of you how would he feel if you sent a photo to another man in your underwear. He is your husband does he really not care that their “friendship/boarder line affair” is upsetting you? Don’t try & be a cool wife it will get you nowhere. If he won’t stop this infatuation with her i tell him your leaving before he leaves you for her. Btw she IS NOT your friend !