AIBU - my husband is constantly messaging my friend

[burns4273]

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

She is not your friend and neither is he if he thinks this is ok. Tell him someone told you about the pic. You don’t need to be honest op as he isn’t is he! Is there more to his ‘friendship’ I would not trust either of them op. I would not be doing the pick me dance either.

As others have asked, would he take it kindly if you sent his friend a picture of you in your underwear and spent your lunchtimes, evenings and weekends with him? Sounds like he actually spends more quality time with her than you. This is really a tough situation to be in OP and I am sorry that you are going through this 😥

I wouldn't phrase it as trust in argument like this because he'll only keep saying you don't trust him (no wonder).

Instead, I would emphasise that this is not behaviour you find acceptable, and that he keeps doing this, it's over. Tbh - he's already massively crossed the line so it might be over anyway :(

you have every right to not trust him. he has done something untrustworthy. If his only issue is that you looked at his phone then he clearly isn't bothered about your feelings.

WTAF??

I've been trying to think of an occasion where I wouldn't leave my DH if he sent a photo of himself in his boxers (or any kind of "spicy" pic) to another woman. The only scenario I can think of is if the woman was his GP and he needed her to look at a boil on his thigh or something after a telephone appointment. That's it. That's the only time I wouldn't immediately sack him off.

She isn't your friend and they certainly sound like they're pretty well embroiled in an emotional affair even if nothing physical has happened...yet. If it hasn't, it's only matter of time. Please respect yourself enough to bin both of them, OP. He is weaponising "trust" but he has done nothing to be deserving of it. You don't trust him for a damn good reason and he is not deserving of you trying to trust him any longer.

I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

I'm sorry OP it must be very painful but I think that ship has sailed. He's a sleaze and she's not a friend. They are quite possibly already having a physical affair, if not they are certainly flirting heavily and about to embark on one. They've both betrayed your trust and are making you suspicious and uncomfortable (rightly). Why do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who is treating you like this?

Leave them to it.

Did she respond to him?
This is really alarming and I’m shocked your hand wringing about how to approach it. I’d have flipped my lid. He’s clearly sent it to her first then sent it to you to make a cover story “oh it was always for you, I sent it to her by accident”.
Theyre either having an affair or he’s doing his very best to start one.

When you say they ' have been working out together in their lunch break.' you DO know what sort of working out they're doing, don't you OP?

I’m sorry but it’s likely over already. If he’s sending pics of himself in his boxers then they’re likely having sex already, and if not, then he very much wants them to be doing so. Just prepare yourself that he will go public with her very soon after you split.

I hate the 'don't you trust me' line. It feels so manipulative.

That’s utter rubbish. I’ve had male friends all my life, I’ve never sent them a picture of myself in my knickers or cheated on anybody with them. It is possible to be a decent human being you know 🙄

He has sent a photo of himself in underwear to another women!?

That would be cheating if my partner did such a thing and I would end it with him.

Please raise your standards x

Why on earth do you want to salvage your relationship when he's sending inappropriate pics?! You'll never be able to trust him again.

One of my closest friends of 30 years is a man…..I am also very close to his wife and he is close to my husband…..if he EVER dared to even think about sending me a similar type photo ( not that he would ever dream of it ) I would fucking well raise Cain !!!! ….. that’s what healthy male/ female friendships are like…..good luck with whatever you decide to do my love…..fucking arsehole xx

Next time you see your friend show her the photo and say ‘look at the kind of photos DH sends me’ and see how she reacts. Either she doesn’t acknowledge he sent it to her too which speaks volumes… OR she does admit it and then you can tell her how fucking weird that is and also gives you an in to speak to DH without admitting you went through his phone.

This is divorce territory.

If he isn't already shagging your 'friend', he will be soon.

The minute she gives him any encouragement he will be in her pants quicker than a rat up a drainpipe. Put a stop to this now.

It's inappropriate even if she is a PT. When I had a PT, all progress photos were saved on my phone, mine made it very clear that no pics were to be sent to him keeping it strictly professional.

He's

fucking

her

Stop putting up with this shit! You deserve better.
The things is if he loves you he wouldn’t be doing something he knows makes you uncomfortable. He’d prioritise you. Not your friend. In any case sending a picture like this is beyond the bloody pale!! Get rid!

I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. I work with them, message them, have lunch with them, visit them, and go out with them without my partner.

Do you know what I haven’t done? Sent them a picture of me in my scanties.

If my husband sent a photo of himself in his underwear to one of our mutual friends (or anyone really) I'd be asking him to move out while I considered the future of our marriage.

Can you imagine how he'd react if you sent an underwear pic to one of your male friends??

He'll no doubt excuse it by saying he was showing her his gym gains or something. But it's still massively inappropriate.

How did she respond?

Does he send pictures of himself in his boxers to his male friends?