AIBU - my husband is constantly messaging my friend

[burns4273]

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

They are not just friends and I doubt they are always at the gym either.

Get rid. He's already checked out.

Yikes, I would be so appalled / embarrassed for them if any of my male friends sent me selfies in their pants! This is not remotely normal platonic behaviour, in case you are wondering.

I don't know why it's taken you till now to realise that what they are doing isn't ok
They're basically openly conducting an affair and you're just politely carrying on not wanting to cause any upset

Hmm. They are definitely shagging. Sorry OP, but it’s really obvious.

She’s not a friend. Unless he’s sexually harassing her with underwear selfies then she is a willing participant in their affair.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 give him an ultimatum her or you!

What?!
They're absolutely cheating OP
How awful

And you're worried about what HE will say about YOU looking in his phone?

What was the friends response to the underwear picture ?

I beg your fucking pardon?

Never mind you’re worried about how he will react at you being on his phone.
Storm in to wherever he’s snivelling and tear that man a new arsehole.

He’s sending another woman a semi-naked photo of himself showing off… give your head a wobble OP, demand more respect than this!

Sending a selfie in underwear is not how someone shares a gym progress pic unless they’re shagging the person they shared it with

Probably because there's such a massive push to get women to 'trust' their partner, not be 'controlling' and accept 'men and women can be friends' that women start to doubt themselves and believe if they're not OK with their partner doing what he likes with who he likes, ots their fault. Every time there's a thread with a woman concerned about her partners friendship with a woman there's a stampede to tell her she's in the wrong. And here we are. A woman's partner is likely having an affair under her nose and she's still worried she shouldn't have checked his phone, and that it might be a 'her problem'.

He's having an affair, or at the very least trying to. And the OW is NOT your friend.

He's not sorry; in fact, he's blaming you and claiming the issue is your lack of trust in him.

No woman should trust a male partner who spends all his spare time with another woman, to whom he also sends photos of himself in just underwear.

GET RID (of both of them). Find your fire, ask them both what the hell they think they are playing at - and regardless of the answer(s), ABSOLUTELY GET RID.

You're being played for an absolute fool. Find your anger and raise that bar.

So he sent her the picture first? Says it all. Sorry op.

They are having an affair for sure.

Thats very true. I always think some of the people so determined to say those suspect friendships are legitimate may have their own agendas to push!

Eh? He's sending spicy pix to another woman and you trust him?

Another example of why it is inappropriate for a married spouse to have friends of the opposite sex. Full stop.

I have many male friends. I dont send them pics of myself in my undies.

There is SOME middle ground!

Hang on. He’s sent her a picture of himself in his underwear, the same one he sent you no less and he has you believing that you are the problem? No op. Just no. Does he have form for being a massive twat?

Why on Earth would you want to save a relationship with someone who is at best crossing boundaries and disrespecting you, and at worse cheating on you? Has he done such a number on your self esteem that you think he’s some prince? He’s a slimy toad.

Is he the PT guy?

It’s only worth bringing this photo up of you are willing to go nuclear and kick him out. Tell him that is not the behaviour you expect from a committed husband and if he behaves like that you don’t want him.

Any less and he will just turn it around and make it your fault for checking his messages and explain it away.

And then he will be more protective of his phone and make out you’re crazy and he’s fallen out of love with you etc. while he builds something more with this ‘friend’. Then when he is ready he will leave or have a full blown affair under your nose.

If he’s not having an affair yet and it’s just an inappropriate friendship then going nuclear gives him two clear options

1. Blow up your marriage and continue with his ‘friendship’
2. cut contact with this woman

If he chooses 1 then he was always going to leave and you’ve saved yourself months of further agony second guessing yourself

Also the other way to deal with it is to message the woman asking ‘Are you enjoying the photos of my husband?’

She will tell him and he will freak out but can’t say anything without admitting it. You carry on as normal but start preparing for divorce. Then you serve him papers when you are ready.

So that's why he spent 3 and a half hours at the gym on your kid's first birthday.