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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - my husband is constantly messaging my friend

152 replies

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:44

So my husband and I have a mutual friend through our gym. However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends. At first this didn’t bother me - I felt a bit left out but that’s my issue not his.

however, they are constantly messaging. He sent me a “spicy picture” but when I checked his phone I know i shouldn’t have he sent it to her first. By 10 minutes.

this is wearing me down and I have tried to bring it up sensibly in the past but he just kicks off saying it’s my fault for not trusting him or believing him when he says he loves me. I told him that I do trust him but this is hurting me and playing on my insecurities - but yet it continues

any tips on how I can bring this up without the whole “why were you looking at my phone”. I do want to save the relationship - we have been together for 15 years. And this has been the biggest argument.

thanks

OP posts:
ConcernedOfClapham · 25/05/2025 18:12

Definitively not OK, I’m afraid.

Are you really sure you want to attempt to salvage this? I can’t see any way back from it, myself.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Calliopespa · 25/05/2025 18:13

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:45

Yes - a selfie in just his boxers

Whaaaaaaat?!!

Youdmakeagreattraitor · 25/05/2025 18:15

OP are you really ok with your husband sending photos of himself in his underwear to your friend? Most of us wouldn’t be…

AlorsTimeForWine · 25/05/2025 18:15

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:45

Yes - a selfie in just his boxers

Wtf???

This is not okay for anyone in a marriage to do imo.
My DH would have his arse handed to him and I'd expect him to do the same if I did this

Not okay.

smallsilvercloud · 25/05/2025 18:16

She’s not a friend to you and that’s his new love interest, as someone else said if she’s allows he’ll soon be in her knickers, if he hasn’t already, that isn’t the type of photo you send as a friend. I wouldn’t care about snooping tell him straight, don’t feel bad it’s them not you.

Gatsbycheersmeme · 25/05/2025 18:17

OP, I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. Something like:

'Bob, we've been together 15 years and this is the first time I've ever had doubts about our relationship because of your behaviour. You've made me feel so insecure I checked your phone and saw you sent a picture of you in your boxers to Sally. Are you having an affair with Sally?'

Don't let him gaslight you. If a male colleague sent me a picture like that I would report them. If it had been a married friend, I'd end the friendship and tell his wife. His behaviour is not normal.

RealEagle · 25/05/2025 18:18

He’s taking the piss,I see your other post when he disappeared for 3.5 hours on your daughters birthday.There probably shagging .

MiloMinderbinder925 · 25/05/2025 18:18

However, they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends.

Tell him to knock it off because he's taking the Michael.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/05/2025 18:19

She’s not your friend. She’s totally disrespectful. He’s not a nice person and it’s grim that he thinks it’s ok to send pictures like that to somebody who isn’t his wife. I think you’ve got bigger problems than looking at his phone. You don’t trust him, rightly IMO, and I would be considering my future. If they’re not shagging yet, they will.

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 18:20

Same guy that spent 3.5 hours at the gym on your child’s 1st birthday? Now you know why!

Mouche85 · 25/05/2025 18:27

What was the chat around the picture?

Could this be because he wanted to show his progress? Still not okay.

I would start by jokingly mention the photo and say "I hope you don't send this to all your contacts!"

Gotback · 25/05/2025 18:27

I'm so sad for you. You've got to face such upheaval of your life in the short term but in the long term it will be so worth it - to get away from this hugely hurtful situation & be free and happy again.

Middlechild3 · 25/05/2025 18:27

HoumusRumours · 25/05/2025 18:03

Lunch time, evenings and weekends and you’re not supposed to be unsettled? Judge his actions, not his words.

This.

WhereIsMyJumper · 25/05/2025 18:28

I get on well with my friends’ husbands. I chat to some of them over text sometimes - usually about politics or recommendations on podcasts or the occasional funny meme.
If one of them sent me a pic of themselves in their boxers I would immediately tell them in no uncertain terms to pack it in. It’s sooooo inappropriate OP.

Sera1989 · 25/05/2025 18:28

Unless she is his personal trainer there is no reason for him to be sending another woman a picture in his underwear. Even then, putting shorts on would’ve taken seconds. I’d be very betrayed that he sent it to her FIRST too and he’d have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

How is your relationship and did you read any other messages between them? Lunch break, evenings and weekends is a lot. Do you have proof they are definitely at the gym during that time?

NachoChip · 25/05/2025 18:29

OP, what went through your mind when you received that pic of hubby in his boxers?

Now what do you think went through this other woman's mind?

The same thing...he's suggesting sex.

Did you see her reply?

Butchyrestingface · 25/05/2025 18:32

burns4273 · 25/05/2025 17:45

Yes - a selfie in just his boxers

Erk. 😵‍💫

Diarygirlqueen · 25/05/2025 18:34

OP, even if it's not an affair, his behaviour is so inappropriate. Don't let him turn this round on you and blame you looking at his phone.
Raise your standards, work on your self-esteem and leave this twat!
From reading between the lines, it sounds as if he's crossed the line to an affair but regardless, his other behaviour is awful.
You deserve better pet x

justkeepswimingswiming · 25/05/2025 18:34

Ugh, they’re having an affair.

Screamingabdabz · 25/05/2025 18:35

“…they also work together in the same building and have been working out together in their lunch break. They then also spend time in the gym in evenings and weekends.”

Could they spend any more free time together? When does he spend time with you? I think you’re being taken for a complete mug op. Nobody needs to go to the gym that much. Why are you still clinging on? I would kick his arse out - he’s already half way out - he may as well go and spend the rest of it with her.

Satisfiedkitty · 25/05/2025 18:36

I'm so sorry you're in this position, but everyone above is right. He's either having an affair, or wants to. And, either way, this is a staggering amount of disrespect.

Please don't do what I did, and let him make excuses, or blame you. He'll gaslight, try and confuse you, go into victim mode. Honestly, it destroys you. It took me years to get out.

The conversation is very short:

"You are upsetting me by carrying on this friendship. I want you to stop talking to her completely, or this marriage is over".

LikeARacoonOnMeth · 25/05/2025 18:37

What was her response to the selfie?
If she responded with ‘inappropriate John, don’t send me pics like that’ then it’s totally him.
If she 💕 or 😊 or sent a text back saying anything positive then it’s both of them.

andthat · 25/05/2025 18:39

londongirl12 · 25/05/2025 18:09

As soon as my husband sent a selfie in his boxers to another woman, that would be the end of my relationship.

This.

FastCoralViper · 25/05/2025 18:40

Oh hell no , there would be no conversation needed for me it would be a toe up the ass as I booted him out the door ! . Gosh that so sleezy and just no need ! I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation and I hope you figure it out 🌹

ItGhoul · 25/05/2025 18:40

There are two reasons a man might send a female friend a photo of himself in his underwear.

a) he is having an affair
b) he’s a sex pest who harasses women

Either way, kick his arse out of your life.

You don’t have to have evidence to dump someone, by the way. You can just leave him. You don’t need to prove to him that your suspicions are correct.