MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

This! In the meantime block his family.

Spot on. There are a few conditions which are considered disabilities from the point of diagnosis - cancer (including pre-cancerous growths), visual impairment (blind or sight-impaired), multiple sclerosis, HIV infection and severe, long-term disfigurements - the latter doses not include piercings or tattoos.

Alcoholism is specifically excluded unless it has caused a physical or mental health condition which satisfies the definition of disability, and then it’s the resulting condition that attracts the protected characteristics of disability, not the alcoholism itself.

Interestingly there are other specific exclusions to the Act. Hay fever, for example, is not covered unless it has a detrimental effect on another condition.

Also excluded as stand alone conditions are pyromania, kleptomania, exhibitionism, voyeurism and sexual abuse of others. Where they are potential effects of specific conditions, whether or not they are excluded depends on the circumstances.

I'd tell your mil this and say that she must be so proud in having raised a sexist creep like her son. Then block the pair of them, they deserve each other.

I suspect MiL is kicking off because she’s scared her delightful son will be moving back in with her very soon. Trying to bully OP into ‘supporting him’ is just a delaying tactic. They absolutely deserve each other.

Just block her number. Sounds like she won’t be your MIL much longer.

Sending you a hug OP

His mum is going to be on his side whatever . The actual reason is not worth wasting the headspace or trying to argue your case.

If I'd ever considered divorce from dh my name would immediately have been mud with MiL

Some families have a blind spot with sons/brothers. As soon as exH decided he was leaving me, I was dead to the lot of them, even though I was in "the right".

they did me a massive favour

He's not a keeper. He's disgusting for not only thinking those things but saying them out loud to women.

I'd tell his mother exactly why he's likely to lose his job, his defence of him is disgusting, but you're happy to know she'll be happy to have him back. You're done.

I hope you follow through and do it quick while he still has his job. Get rid.

No I already said OP is not unreasonable to divorce

And if it’s undiagnosed MH ?

What's all the bollocks about 'pandering to the modern worker'? I'd be tempted to message back ''Sexual harassment was banned in the workplace 35 years ago. IDK who's worse; him for perving on women or you for enabling him.''

Your MIL is enough of a reason to walk away from this relationship, nevermind your irresponsible, man-child of a partner.

It’s one thing I hated about my home town ( midlands mining town) - blokes would commonly talk like this out in the open as ‘banter’ ( think Lee Anderson types) and the women would just laugh it off because a lot of them were conscious of that wage packet coming in as most of them were on low wages, if they worked at all. I realise how snobby it sounds, but it was a fact . Sounds like MIL is stuck in the ‘it’s just banter’ ‘blokes will be blokes ‘ mindset. I’ve rarely heard it so openly since I moved away to ‘posher’ areas , but heard it again on a recent visit back . Personally OP the fact he hasn’t got the message would bring about divorce for me as he’s clearly a fuckwit not to have got the message first time and commenting outloud on colleagues ‘fuckability’ is hugely disrespectful and unkind to you. If MIL is unaware, I would be making that clear that it’s not one thing, it’s the final straw.

I'm not aware of any MH issue (diagnosed or not) that solely manifests as making lechy remarks to/in front of women. The drink is not a reason and the drink is not an excuse. He was on a final warning and couldn't be bothered to moderate his behaviour, it is that simple.

Sounds a lot like my ex dh. Multiple incidents of work disciplinaries (2 of which led to him “leaving by agreement”), a complete and utter failure to realise he’s the problem, and a mil who can see no wrong in her beloved DS 🙄 I’ve gotten out now and so should you. I gave mine more chances than I should have (and also was browbeaten by a mil who clearly didn’t savour the idea of him moving back in with her). Don’t look back op. You’re doing the right thing. He won’t change.

He will have made lots more comments in person too, that will have gone unchallenged.

The point where he puts it in writing he proves the proof that it's not just his word against someone else's.

Women fed up with him constantly disrespecting him, will of course act on his stupidity.

It's part of a pattern and these incidents where he has been hauled up in front of a disciplinary will be part of a bigger problem he has with women.

The fact he ignored his own wife's call for him to wind his neck in and respect women is totally in line with that attitude to women.

His mother is welcome to him.

YANBU for the situation with MIL but divorcing your DH because he lost his job and was too frightened to tell you (I do not condone his lying, just to be clear)

You need to tell his mum that you are divorcing him because of his history of making revolting sexual remarks to women and if she thinks that's OK in a relationship that's her look out but you will not stand for it.

I assume that one of the reasons she is divorcing her DH is because he has sexually harassed women at work. Why would she want to stay married to a sex pest?

The fact that he has been sacked for it (after a previous final warning) is just the icing on a very shit cake for OP.

He didn't just 'lose' his job. He threw it away with his vile behaviour.

Well done. Fuck him and fuck enabling mil

Your husband is an adult. He was on a final warning in work about his behaviour and what he said. After his behaviour the last time you told him straight out that if this happened again you would be getting a divorce.
He did what he did. You then found out the full true story from a friend who was working in the same place as him.
He told his mother that you want a divorce and she decides to send you a few nasty messages.

The reality is that he should have learned his lesson after what happened the last time. She wants you to stay with him because she does not want him living with her. Then she is going to have friends ect asking why he is living with her.

To be honest you right in ending thing with him and getting his mother out of your life is a bonus.

@Chambers9 Don't blame you for ending it. He sounds like a really stupid child. Is he a 'jack the lad' type? Thinks he's incredibly funny but really isn't?

It's his inability to learn from his huge fuck ups and put mitigations in place
Eg. Don't drink,
Leave the work WhatsApp groups,
Educate himself on societal ingrained misogyny and the patriarchy

Well done OP

I'm not talking about the op. I'm asking what about this man's colleagues? The women who are on the receiving end of his appalling behaviour at work?