MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

Tell her to take it up with her son. Neither of them or their behaviour are your problem anymore. 💐

Not according to AI, nor example of someone I used to work with …

You're allowed to end your marriage whenever you like for whatever reason you like and it's nobody else's business. Just block her on everything.

A mother will always side with her son (I'd be biased for mine) that's their baby they've plopped out of their vag.

Are you picking a goody battle?

Congratulations on your bargain twofer, getting rid of both of them by divorcing him.

MS isn't classified as a disability under the Equality Act. Or cerebral palsy. In fact it doesn't give a list of conditions that are "classified" as disabilities at all. It simply states that a disability is "a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities". So alcohol addiction could be considered a disability.

So block her and just get on with life you are getting a divorce so what is the problem?

I work for a FTSE 100 company. In our online learning they stated the following were not classed as disabilities (in this order):-

Drug addiction
Wearing glasses
Alcohol addiction

I remember it very distinctly because it slightly pissed me off that these three things were implied to be similar.

"AI" isn't a source of information. You may as well say "according to typewriter".

Yuk. Definitely leave.

Equality Act 2010 (Disability) Regulations 2010, regulation 3(1):

Subject to paragraph (2) below, addiction to alcohol, nicotine or any other substance is to be treated as not amounting to an impairment for the purposes of the Act.

I’ve just found that. Paragraph 2 talks about addiction to prescription medicine which is counted as an impairment under the act.

Also found this from Kemi Badenoch under parliamentary questions in 2022:-

25 April 2022
While the Government recognises the personal challenges faced by people with addictions or dependencies such as alcohol, we subscribe to the view of successive Governments since the Disability Discrimination Act 1995, that it is not appropriate to give such conditions protected status under discrimination law. Alcohol addiction or dependency therefore remains specifically excluded from the Act’s definition of disability under the Equality Act 2010 (Disability) Regulations 2010.
Addiction and dependency can however sometimes cause a disability – for example lung or kidney failure – or be the result of a disability, for example a mental health condition. Where the addiction arises due to medically prescribed drugs or other medical treatment – for example an individual who has an addiction to painkillers because they are prescribed following an accident or surgery – protection may also be available under the Act. We believe that this offers the right balance between protecting individuals on the one hand and employers and service providers on the other.

BFD. Do you care what she says?

She should be ashamed of raising a son who behaves so badly he's going to get fired.

He needs to quit drinking.

the only thing the OPs STBX(hopefully S) is addicted to is being an arse and getting into trouble at work.

Sending you strength OP.

Ignore her. Is there any reason why you can’t block her. Your H is a dickhead and will continue to drag you down if you stay with him. Get out.

She isn’t living your life and she has no right to tell you what to do.

Well done for not continuing her 'standards' where her son is concerned.

Let him move back home where she can look after him properly.

I agree with those saying that she’s worried that he’s going to want to move back in with her!

MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

She can only make you feel guilty if you let her. Ignore her, don't give her headspace.

He's brought this on himself, he can deal with the consequences. If Mummy wants to help him she can, but she can't force you to do so.

She can be on his side all she wants, but she's completely out of order trying to guilt trip the OP.

I think you might feel better if you make room for an adult in your life. Tell MIL that just because she didn’t bring him up right doesn’t mean it’s your job to fix him.

Ignore her. He's "down" because that's where he put himself. She's probably panicking that he'll want to move back in with her after you've separated.

Block her number, block her socials and don’t answer the door to her.
If she persists, tell her it’s not your fault he was raised wrong.

Yikes all round! Unclear why you would even give him that ultimatum: would you still want to be with him even if he didn't do that again?!? Seems like you made you mind up a while back that you really cannot stand him and want out - you're just looking for the straw to break the divorce camel's back so to speak.

Here's the thing: you don't need a reason to get divorced. You don't need that "extra bad act" - if you're fed up with him and fed up with his behaviour and don't see it changing (and frankly you don't seem like you'd believe it even if he did suddenly change his ways etc and would constantly be on the alert for him screwing up again) then just do yourself a massive favor and square away the divorce. Also, at this point, nothing he does is actually going to be enough for you to overcome his previous screw ups - so he really doesn't have much incentive to even try.

As for your MIL: Just block her. If you're getting a divorce at this point then who cares what she is saying and who she is saying it to? It's a waste of time even engaging with her.

What I would urge is that you try to put your clear frustration/anger/annoyance and - yes - deep seated loathing for this guy aside when you are actually dealing with the divorce process: the more acrimonious it is the more the lawyers win and you lose. Do not go down the path of wanting to have the last word or wanting to "win" - there is no "winning" here - both of you have already lost because the marriage has obviously failed.

Get your ducks in a row in the sense of getting together all the documents you'll need for the divorce, get yourself a decent lawyer who is well regarded for putting the best interests of the children ahead of exacerbating any acrimony between spouses (so, a collaborative divorce lawyer) who can give you a good assessment of what the realistic divorce agreement/provisions will look like. Though if it goes accrimonious then by all means go down that route - but at least you'll know what the best outcome for the kids would have been.

Again: don't interact with the MIL. If you are finding it hard to block then just get a new phone number that none of those people will know. You won't convince those people that you are correct, and being a last word freak only wastes your time without accomplishing anything. Hope it works out and that the divorce is squared away quickly with as little need for contact with your ex in future as possible. Also hope you get yourself a therapist so you can work through not only the immediate issues you are facing, but also identify WHY you chose to marry this kind of person and what work you need to do on yourself (because none of us are perfect) to ensure you are a far better partner too in in future if and when you decide to try to have a serious relationship again.

Yup - block her. Completely. I disagree with the second part of your comment though: if she persists and starts harassing you even though you've made it clear you don't want to be contacted by her or speak to her then the better step would be not to engage with her in further communication (even the "tell her it's not your fault" - she won't agree and will just fire back with something else) - then have your lawyer deal with it. Typically it would be a warning letter and then action to use the legal system to stop the harassment. For most normal people a warning letter will do the trick. But for anything like that to work you have to 100% cut off ALL contact. It may feel really weird to do that but it works. And in hindsight is a huge relief.

I was forced into this position when I got divorced (though in my case my ex was horrifically abusive, physically and mentally). Changing my phone number and blocking all his family worked very well. The only glitch was when the Monster-In-Law happened to show up at an event I was at with friends, and made a beeline towards me (which was bloody ridiculous). She kept trying to speak to me even though I had friends act as a buffer. She got so frustrated that she eventually stomped over and raised her voice at me and demanded to speak to me. I just put my hand up in a "stop" gesture, and told her to leave me alone, and that if she did not leave me alone immediately I would call the police and have them tell her. And I walked away immediately. She should never have put me in that position, and my doing that only worked because I was consistent and did not engage with her in conversation or communication at all.

Totally agree with you. Block and move on. And do the same with the ex-husband.

Your comment prompts me to wonder why on earth these two haven't gotten divorced already: The OP seems to be absolutely icked by the guy - there is nothing in the description we've been given that seems to indicate that this is a partnership that's got any longtime chance of turning back into a loving, respectful, mutually beneficial partnership of equals. I can't imagine having the "I will leave you if you ever do anything that might get you fired again" thought: if you're at the point of issuing ultimatums then the marriage is already dead, especially here where the OP seems to find the guy utterly gross and insufferable. It's tough to understand why she hasn't filed for divorce already - though of course lots of people do "put up" with insufferable assholes for far too long in the mistaken belief that it's better for kids to not have to deal with a divorce. Or they are used to a certain monetary standard of living and don't like the idea of losing that income (no judgement here: lots of people grapple with that, and also the fear of the unknown evil being worse than the known evil - it's difficult to figure that out when you are utterly exhausted from dealing with disappointment and frustration all the time).