MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

He won't be able to 'argue his case'. He should look at the guidance on harassment on Acas.

Even if the comments weren't directed at the women in the chat, it creates a 'degrading environment' for them to work in.

i think you’re wise to be getting out OP. Sounds like you’ve put up with so much shit in the past. The fact that he’s focused on ‘arguing his case’ rather than learning the lesson says it all.

Oh OP I’m sorry- those messages are bloody awful and I can’t believe he’s digging in that he’s fine on this because the colleague wasn’t offended. He’s been so stupid and also disrespectful to you.

No it isn't. It is possible that substantial and long-term physical or mental impairment from using drugs or alcohol may be classed as a disability. Being an idiot who can't hold their drink isn't. Harassing others isn't.

What if the problem is that he drinks too much every day due to MH & can’t stop ?

He sounds like a liability. You are definitely making the right decision. Ignore his mummy. Shes probably scared that hes going to turn up on her doorstep shortly!

Sounds like you're better off without both of them, OP!

Good for you. Sounds as if dear Mother is the reason why he is so entitled. Behind (almost) every nightmare man, there is a pandering, enabling mother. Ditch the dead wood and make sure that he doesn't drag you down financially.

It's not a flaw in the plan, it's a boundary. If that means she's leaving as he has lost himself his job that's not her fucking problem.

Mil is freaking out she is going to be stuck with him!

What he is failing to understand here is that even if the person he was speaking to wasn't offended, the women he works with do not want to have to deal with comments like that in their workplace. And the team WhatsApp group is an extension of their workplace.

If there are no consequences for his behaviour, the message these women will get is that the business is completely OK with him talking about women like that, and that if they are uncomfortable with it they need to go and work somewhere else that has a more respectful culture.

It's going to be far easier for the business to replace one wanker man (especially one who is already on a final warning and can be fired pretty easily by this point) than to replace half the team after they resign in disgust. And that's assuming that they don't resign and bring claims for constructive dismissal, citing the misogynistic and sexually predatory culture in the workplace, perpetuated by one or two male staff members, which management failed to deal with.

It's clear from your posts that his employers do not want him anymore, he's more trouble to them than he is worth, and because they have been following the correct disciplinary procedures after his previous behaviour and he's had plenty of warnings, if he gets fired this time he will not have a legal leg to stand on.

As for your MIL, "stand by your man" is all very well when your man is not at fault, or even if he's made one silly mistake. But this isn't one mistake, this is a pattern of behaviour which isn't going to change. Your self respect would have to be in the toilet for you to remain married to a man with so little respect for women, let alone have to shoulder the financial consequences of him repeatedly getting fired and finding it harder and harder to get and keep employment.

I heard a great line this week which may apply to OP’s H

”being an arsehole isn’t a protected characteristic “

What about the women who are on the receiving end of this behaviour? Should they just put up with it because he may have mental health issues? What about THEIR mental health?
If he's had a warning before and is employed by a large company it's entirely possible he would have been pointed towards some sort of Employee Assistance Programme anyway. He's been given a second chance by his wife and his employer and could have sought help then. Are people supposed to put up with awful behaviour indefinitely just in case someone may have a mental health problem?

How is that a flaw in the plan? She's not cruelly kicking him while he's down by leaving him just when he's about to get fired.

She's leaving him for the same reason that he is about to get fired: his completely unacceptable behaviour.

Then he can take advantage of his imminent unemployed and homeless status to go to rehab. If MIL dearest wants to be supportive, she can pay for it, and let him move home afterwards.

What about the well being and MH of the women who have to work with and potentially for a predatory creep?

I’ve never met a man who was a drunken or unwell creep who didn’t hold exactly the same mind set when sober and keeping a lid on it. His problem is that he is a predatory creep. The company’s problem is that a predatory creep disrupts the workplace.

The company will solve their problem and protect their wider staff by getting rid of him. He won’t be able to solve his problem until he acknowledges he has one (with womne) and stops playing the victim.

This sounds as if there have been problems for a very long time and this was the final straw. Just how long have you been putting up with this kind of behaviour, not to mention the mindset behind it?

It's probably the MIL.....🤣

Then again, it’s the MH problem that’s the disability and not the alcohol/drug use. Unless alcoholism/drug addiction has caused significant physical or MH issues sufficient to meet the definition of disability they are not covered by the Act. Simply being an alcoholic/addict is not a disability in itself. The only specific exception to this is where an addiction has arisen as a result of treatment for a medical condition, such as addiction to painkillers after surgery or an accident. The Act would give some protection depending on the circumstances.

This is wrong.
Sch1, Para 6 Equality Act 2010 - MS is classed as a disability from the date of diagnosis.
Section 3 of the 60 page Equality Act 2010 (Disability) Regulations 2010 explicitly excludes addictions.
Employers may treat it as a welfare issue and support the employee but it's not a disability and there's no legal requirement to support.

Years ago I decided that things weren’t working with a (lovely) ex. The day I d was going to break up with him he told me he lost his job. I decided I couldn’t break up with him when he was unemployed. Three months later he still hadn’t found another job, and I ended it. In the end he was unemployed for 18 months.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship you can end it. He and his family sound stressful and draining. You don’t need to see him through this, you’ll be financially supporting someone you don’t see a future with and you have no idea how long for.

I think the fact OP's H doesn't apparently understand this even when he's sober shows how ingrained his attitude to women is.
It's not an out of character thing he does when he's drunk, it's how he is normally.
I really shudder to think what his conversation is like when he is out with his male friends.

A mother is always on their child side.
However neither of them will be your circus if you carry on with the separation so he’s her problem now!

Is there ANYTHING that people won't try and claim victimhood for?

Is being a knob when pissed a disability? How can a company "support" someone into being less of a twat? They're not his parents and he's not 15.

Must be MRA's. Thankfully it's only 2% now.