MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

This!!

YABU for staying married to him for this long!

He’s not diagnosed though is he, if he was actively seeking help and approached them then maybe. But his sackable behaviour is not a symptom of alcoholism, it’s a symbol of him being a misogynist creep.

This isn’t true.

You already know he is likely not to have given her the full truth of his predicament. And you probably already know, especially if you have children of your own, that mothers tend to stick up for their offspring whatever the dispute.

So when she sends you a barrage of messages asking how you can be so cruel to do this, that’s your cue to send a detailed response listing your perfectly acceptable reasons to have done it.

Stand up for yourself OP. This is your time to tell her the truth. Don’t let her judge you on his half-truth, biased version of events.
Tell the truth to any family member who asks.

OP I would ignore and block your MIL.
You don't owe her or anyone explanations of your life choices.
If you wish tell her you don't wish to discuss then drop communication.

You don't need to give her or anyone else in your OHs family any kind of detailed response- it would only add fuel to the fire as OH will put his own spin on things.

Sounds like his alcohol problem is that he can’t control his mouth when he’s had it !! That’s not the firm’s problem - they have the employees he’s targeting to think of. And alcoholism itself is not a disability. It’s not covered by the Equality Act unless it’s caused physical or mental impairment that meets the definition of disability - which is a substantial and long-term adverse effect on normal daily activities. So no. He’s not disabled - just an arsehole who has put his job at risk one too many times and hopefully OP will now follow through and leave him.

Agree. And even if he’s diagnosed, alcoholism itself isn’t a disability - it’s not covered by the Equality Act unless it’s caused long term physical or mental damage which have an effect on normal daily activities.

It is if you know how to use it properly.

So has a drink problem! He know he’s a twat when he drinks, so clearly needs to grow up and stop drinking!

If she continues like this l think l’d go all out OP - make sure she has the whole story and not just what he’s chosen to tell her. Then tell her that she’s welcome to ‘fight his corner’ if she wants, but that you’re done. Then block and ignore.

OP, you say that he says very offensive things when he's drunk - I think that's reason enough to not be with someone, regardless of their job situation.
As the Romans used to say "in wine there is truth"...i.e. he's letting the mask slip when he's drunk, and showing the world what he's really thinking, and it's not very nice.

But it's all irrelevant. That's for HIM (&mummy?) to sort out.

This thread is about her (soon to be EX) MIL.
@Chambers9 I'd tell her exactly what he said last time, the warning you gave him & what he said this time. Tell her it's not up for discussion & his job situation is for him to sort out.

ok would be curious to know his old he is & how old his mum is?!

I worked with the Equality Act 2010 in a workplace context from its inception, so my information is from experience, not AI. No illness or health condition is treated as a disability unless it meets the conditions defined by the Act. So to be considered a disability any condition has to be long term (likely to last a year or more) and have a significant physical or mental impact on normal daily activities. Alcoholism in itself is not specifically covered by the Act unless the effects meet this definition. Having one too many drinks and behaving like a misogynistic arsehole at works outings, does not meet the definition of disability.

Some people act very out of character when drinking , Those people simply shouldn’t drink at all - and if they continue to do so then surely they must have an undiagnosed problem?!

Oh just block her. My XH kicked the shit out of me and his mother still thought I was “being ridiculous” wanting a divorce.

She is nothing to you going forward. If you have DC then STBXH can facilitate a relationship with her.

Focus on getting legal advice and move on. He sounds grim.

I would tell her what her precious son has done and that you warned him last time you won’t put up with his bullshit. Then block

Alcoholism and other addictions are specifically excluded from the Act unless their effects have caused physical or mental impairment which meets the Act’s definition of disability. Simply being incapacitated due to the consumption of alcohol or drugs is not covered by the Act. The only exception is where there is addiction as result of medical treatment, for example, an addiction to painkillers after surgery, or medication for mental health conditions.

Tell her the full story and that you're under no obligation to support his "woe is me" idiocy.

Loads of people turn into twats when they drink as their inhibitions are lowered. It's not a protected characteristic that would absolve the OP's husband from blame and the consequences of his shitty actions.

I was thinking that as well.

This situation probably goes a long way to explaining why he behaves like he does. Mummy makes excuses for him and it’s always someone else’s fault.

If you parent DC like that, this is highly likely to happen. Mine got a bollocking when they behaved badly - and as a result they rarely behave badly. They were taught/are being taught that I will not save them from stupidity at university- if they’re kicked out, that’s it. Drug use, inappropriate comments - they will have to face the consequences. But I’ve seen plenty of students in 30 plus years who think their parents will sort it all out for them.

OP has said he doesn’t have a drinking problem. Just that he acts like an idiot when he’s drunk. Some people just can’t handle drink. That’s not a health condition and doesn’t need to be diagnosed or medicalised.

Some people on here will always bend over backwards to try and absolve shitty men from any blame for their actions.

How about they’re just idiots?

There is no medical issue in many - probably most - cases - just stupid behaviour, often due to lack of consequences when they were teens.

He could be undiagnosed, men are known not to seek help for MH problems, but drink to feel better. some people behave out of character when drinking.