MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

He’s a drunken sex pest. You shouldn’t be fighting his corner

No employer is required to make adjustments for a drunk. It's not a disability as it's self inflicted.

Do you know what he has said OP? To the work colleague and group chat I mean….im imagining they must be horrific if they are a sackable offense? All I can think of are pervy comments and inappropriate language and it would creep me out too.

His mother can fuck off with her misogynistic drivel. If my son was fired for being a creep at work I’d wonder where the fuck I went wrong!

You don’t have to have a reason or excuse to leave an arsehole.
Tell his mother as much and then tell them both to stop bothering you.
In fact, tell her everything you’ve saved up over the years by being polite and let just loose - this is your one chance to make sure she won’t ever want to speak to you ever again.
lol
You’re nice - we’re all nice. But we all have fantasies where we let rip on these loser’s mothers.
I hope you’re well rid of her - and her little dog too.

Husband needs to be a teetotaler. He can never be trusted to be drunk and having any type of access to any work person or forum.
Advise him to see a GP or alcoholic help line.

That will be perhaps the only way for him to get any assistance or sympathy from the work place.

Do you need him to be employed to pay child care or mortgage payments etc. once you are divorced?

Is it the nature of the messages/comments that have made you want to leave him OP, or his lying about it the first time? Or the issue of putting your security at risk?

Did he go straight to a final warning after the first incident you mentioned, or is this an ongoing thing that's built up?

As for MIL, I'm sure she's been lied to just like you were. She'll have been told it's all a bit of banter and that the world's gone mad/you can't say anything these days. Either that or she knows the truth and doesn't care.

Either way, it's unlikely you'll be able to make her see the light...if you're dead set on cutting ties with him, I wouldn't give her a second though. Just block and get on with doing what you have to do.

I’d reply with something like “I’m really suprised that you think harassing other women at work to the extent that you get a disciplinary for it isn’t a reason to leave your husband. But even if you think that sort of behaviour is fine, I was very clear with him last time that it was a deal breaker for me, and he’s done it a second time.”
I strongly suspect that she hasn’t got a clear picture of what has happened here, and that she’ll stop with the messages and the being on his side if you send that.

Don't engage with her, he's an idiot

After the first time he should have learnt his lesson and stopped drinking if he can’t control himself.

I'm sitting on the fence here after whitnessing a colleague being sacked for gross misconduct. The guy in question is the most boring non predatory person you could possibly meet. I'd give as far as to say he's asexual. There's this trouble maker at work who's seen off many members of staff due to false allegations. What happened was that two of the female staff and the male member of staff were discussing their fitness regimes. Male staff member said " youre going to look well fit" Female trouble maker reports this as sexual harassment and he was fired. Employer's a charity

He does have an alcohol problem

He's probably going to lose his job over it, it's that much of a problem

Tell her. If she still thinks the same way just say he doesn’t need you because she is in his corner and is prepared to anything, even if it’s ridiculous, to justify his behaviour

He can seek support if he wants, the employer can’t force him.

But until then, he faces the disciplinary and gets sacked.

Other employees do not need to put up with his nonsense.

@Chambers9 you can tell his mother, but whatever you decide to do, do not back down. You don’t need this man.

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with this pair has it?

Just hear white noise from the pair of them from now and push ahead with the divorce. You laid out your terms, he's behaved as if you haven't. Imagine the feeling of freedom the day your absolute comes through!

Can you go to HR and give your info?

Ah, the modern worker! Those unreasonable people who object to being sexually harassed at work by complete dickheads.

As well as being a sex pest, OP's husband sounds irredeemably thick to do this again when he was already on a final warning. Those are two reasons to leave him. His toxic mother is the third reason. What a dreadful family!

Getting pissed on a work night out is not a disability.

If my son was sacked due to sexual harassment, I'd be utterly ashamed. I certainly wouldn't blame the 'modern worker' who objected to being sexually harassed. As this guy was stupid enough to do this on a work WhatsApp group, it's not even a case of 'he said, she said', but an open and shut case.

That is very different from what happened to OP's DH. He was already on a final warning for sexually harassing a co-worker before he posted an inappropriate comment, that was bad enough to get him fired, on a work WhatsApp group. This isn't people making a malicious accusation that isn't true. The evidence is there in black and white.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

your MIL is responsible for raising a son who sees nothing wrong in making sexist comments to female work colleagues such that he's had several warnings. She has enabled his behaviour and expects you to lower your standards by standing by your man and not telling him outright that he's a disgrace and you don't want to be married to a sleazeball.

Don't allow her to browbeat you into giving him your support. He's lowlife and you deserve better.

Probably best to block and ignore her, but if you fancy one last message then something like "Mavis, it's no longer the 1970s and women don't have to tolerate sexual harassment or demeaning comments any more. It's unacceptable for him to behave this way and to keep humiliating me into the bargain. For the record, in case he hasn't given you the full details, this is what he said to his colleague......."

She sounds like the sort of woman who will excuse her 'poor boy' any misdemeanour though. If she thinks it's acceptable and he needs supporting then she can have him back to do so.

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. His mum, him or anyone.

He's been a dickhead again.

She’s probably worried she’ll end up with him.

I come from a family of drinkers and smokers - recently discovered I have adhd, most likely they did too though they are now deceased from drinking and smoking diseases. Are there signs in his family, or in him -medication can reduce the likelihood of alcoholism