MIL guilt tripping me for divorcing husband when he might lose his job

[Chambers9]

I told my husband earlier this week that I want a divorce. Background, he told me out of the blue that he faces yet another disciplinary at work and given he was issued a final warning last year, it’s likely he will be dismissed.

I gave him an ultimatum at that time that if he did anything like that again to risk his job, I’d leave him. He works in an industry where you have to give references and disclose any dismissals if applying for a new role so he would never find new work.

He works for a big local employer for which I have friends who work in other departments. He lied to me about the reason for the final warning and I found out weeks later (from a friend) the real reason. It was humiliating for me as it was due to a remark he made to a female colleague on a night out. I was very close to walking away then.

This latest incident relates to inappropriate comments he has made (again when drunk!) on the team WhatsApp group. I cannot believe he has been so stupid.

He has obviously told his mum as I’ve had a barrage of messages tonight - I’m overreacting and heartless for kicking a man when he’s down, I should be fighting his corner, his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means.

I’m standing firm and want out.

but not everyone behaves out of character when drinking. Even if inhibitions lowered.

This. There’s a world of difference between being disabled and just being a drunken mysoginistic arsehole. That’s why the Equality Act specifically excludes alcoholism and other addictions unless there is a specific medical cause or physical/mental effect. Otherwise every over indulgent twat in the country would be claiming reasonable adjustment for turning up to work drunk or hung over !!

The effects of alcohol vary greatly from person to person

It's none of her business; don't engage. If you have minor children with your soon-to-be ex, tell him as a precaution that once you've split up, contact for them with his family goes through him, not you. In any case, you're not divorcing him because he might be fired; his employer just took decisive action in response to his lying, boozing, harassing women, and making inappropriate remarks at roughly the same time you did.

... his workplace are pandering to the ‘modern worker’ whatever the hell that means. I suspect it means that they are acting as if people who are not straight, white, majority-group-ethnic men have rights.

Eeew how gross he’s got his mum fighting his battles for him. I would send a really calm reply explaining what he’s done and said to his female colleagues and that it’s been hurtful to be disrespected so publicly. I very much doubt he’s told his mum exactly what he’s done.

So what are you actually saying? That OP's DH's employer was wrong to dismiss him or that OP is wrong to divorce him (or possibly both)?

OP's DH could take this to a tribunal but as addiction to alcohol or poor behaviour when drunk aren't protected characteristics under the Equality Act, it is unlikely that he will have a case, particularly as this is his second offence, both of which relate to his sexual harassment of female colleagues.

There’s a Latin saying attributed to the Romans. ‘In vino veritas’. The literal translation is ‘ truth in wine’. It means that people under the influence of alcohol are more likely to be truthful about what’s on their mind. There was actually a belief among some ancient Germanic peoples that council meetings should be held during feasts where drinking was common so as to prevent the concealment of opinions. So rather than acting out of character, alcohol is more likely to bring out the true you.

No it isn’t

AI v the equality act 😂

But to be considered a disability and afford him protected characteristics the alcohol consumption would have to have caused an actual physical or mental health condition which meets the definition of disability. Simply being under the influence of alcohol is not a disability.

No I think OP has had enough and needs to do what is right for herself. I am just saying OPs husband could be undiagnosed. I am actually just thinking more generally about men who don’t seek help for MH. That if someone drinks knowing they behave out of character then they are being self destructive.

Oh god it’s really not that hard to refrain from drinking at work if you’re prone to being a twat when drunk. I’ve had this before in a work setting- person was actually good at their job but was a walking employment tribunal when they’d had a drink. That individual had lots of warnings and stuck to not drinking for a bit… until they did at a work event and had two formal complaints made against them. It was final straw and they had to be dismissed but it was so frustrating.

AI said that OP's DH is mummy's special little soldier and everyone is being mean to him and it's not fair.

This. They’d laugh him out of a tribunal. Getting pissed at office parties and sexually harassing female colleagues isn’t a disability !!

What on earth are you on about?

MS is one of the few conditions (alongside cancer and HIV infection) expressly listed in the Equality Act as a disability from the point of diagnosis

Alcohol and drug addiction are expressly excluded

It’s happened on more than one occasion, so l don’t think it can be described as out of character.

Yep, this.

No one can know someone else’s mind. Maybe he is struggling with MH? If he continues to drink knowing it negatively affects his behaviour & can lose his career (not just his job) then that’s extreme problem. I’d guess undiagnosed MH issues like many men do who don’t seek help.
Not thar OP should put up with it. I don’t blame her for wanting divorce.
But an employer should consider that men’s MH issues often undiagnosed.

His mum's response just confirms you're doing the right thing op. He has been brought up to take no accountability for his actions and he is being supported to continue to take no accountability. Its questionable whether he'll ever change with his mum telling him that he's done nothing wrong.

Then the applicable diagnosis affording protection under the Equality Act wouldn’t be alcohol related - it would be whatever mental health condition is diagnosed, providing it meets the definition of disability under the Act. And if it doesn’t cause a problem unless he drinks, then it doesn’t meet the definition of long term and significantly impacting normal daily activity. So still not a disability.

The final warning was due to telling a female colleague on a team night out that he’d never worked with someone so ‘fuckable’ and that she was wasted in their line of work (charming, I know).

The latest incident - obviously I’ve only got his word for it, and he has lied before. But he tells me he is being 100% truthful.

There was a few of them messaging in the team WA group during/after a football match last weekend (he was watching in a pub with mates so drink involved again). One of them supports a team who lost. DH directed a message at him which was a version of ‘just get your DP to suck you off to cheer you up’.

He says the colleague he directed it at laughed it off and wasn’t offended. But he forgets he said this in a group with all of his colleagues, including females, and was notified of complaints and a disciplinary procedure earlier in the week.

He thinks he can argue his case about the latest incident as the collleague wasn’t offended but I don’t care either way - he has risked his employment and the roof over our head and he knew my position on this.

Do it!!

Tell her in glorious technicolour.

If it makes her shut up and leave you alone, great.

If it doesn't, tell her it's not your fault that he wasn't raised to respect women but it is your duty to show your children (if you have them) that this stuff isn't acceptable.

Employers can’t be expected to know or believe that someone might have a MH issue unless they actually have some information that this may be the case. They aren’t mind readers.

Or maybe they have taken it into account, which is why they gave him a warning last time instead of dismissing him then

Even if someone does have a disability it isn’t carte Blanche to get away with serious workplace misconduct

It’s a combination - I was disgusted by the comment which led to the final warning, and lies from him. That this also put our security at risk was what led to me issuing the ultimatum. There had been a couple of separate issues prior to this which probably got me to that position.