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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
Summervibes12 · 23/05/2025 17:58

He is a man child being enabled by his mother. God love you having to deal with that.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 17:58

Well you can't stop him, but you really should not marry a drug addict.

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/05/2025 17:58

Why are you marrying him?

GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2025 17:58

When you say 'partner', what do you actually mean. Because he sounds like a waste of space.

Why are you marrying him? Do you own a home?

wheo · 23/05/2025 18:00

You aren’t being the slightest bit unreasonable I think his priority should be making it right with his family rather than borrowing more money to go on another bender (that is why he wants to go most likely) I would hit the roof and tell him under no uncertain terms he’s free to go but you won’t be there when he returns.

wheo · 23/05/2025 18:00

Summervibes12 · 23/05/2025 17:58

He is a man child being enabled by his mother. God love you having to deal with that.

damn Right. OP please don’t marry him, let his mother have him back and deal with him

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 23/05/2025 18:00

I can't believe you took him back! What a self indulgent mummies boy, and a druggie to boot. How can you even stand being near him?

Don't marry him for fuck sake. He'll drain everything you have and are.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:01

Hope this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for you!

Look after yourself and DD, OP, because your partner isn’t going to.

Pomegranatecarnage · 23/05/2025 18:02

Don’t marry him, he’ll make you so miserable.

Feelindown · 23/05/2025 18:02

Whatever you do, don't marry him.

Sophue · 23/05/2025 18:02

Are you really wanting to marry him?

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:02

Is Gusavo OP’s mother in law?

tigerlily9 · 23/05/2025 18:03

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/05/2025 17:58

Why are you marrying him?

This

outerspacepotato · 23/05/2025 18:03

You're unreasonable for letting this guy come back like nothing happened.

Has he been to rehab and is he actively working a program?

SemperIdem · 23/05/2025 18:03

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Are you joking?

eustoitnow · 23/05/2025 18:04

Why would you take him back? You should have dumped his bags on his mother’s doorstep and left him to it. He sounds entitled and selfish and he won’t change

ginasevern · 23/05/2025 18:04

Yes, you are being very unreasonable - to even consider marrying this waste of fucking space. You don't honestly think that he's a "reformed" man do you? Your life will be nothing but an on/off misery with him. Do yourself a favour, send him back to mummy and let her finance him. If you don't do it for yourself, at least think of your daughter.

SemperIdem · 23/05/2025 18:04

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is taking back this selfish man at all.

Ponderingwindow · 23/05/2025 18:04

Your household is still suffering money issues and he wants to accumulate debt. People are right, you can’t stop him from going. You can however choose to end a relationship with someone who thinks acquiring debt instead of focusing on his family is a wise decision. That is even without his history.

Just that one decision would be enough to end things. Add in the previous financial irresponsibility, drug use, and child abandonment and you would be wise to leave him. He did not gain any real sense of responsibility in his time away

xxxwd · 23/05/2025 18:04

Let him go and pack his bags while he is gone.

Eastermuppet · 23/05/2025 18:05

The only way that you are unreasonable is by still being with him, use this to think about your future with him

CurbsideProphet · 23/05/2025 18:05

I'm sorry but I can't see how you benefit from having this man back living in your house. You bear the weight of responsibility for everything and it sounds like he does not appreciate any of your sacrifices .

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/05/2025 18:06

Having a drug addict for a parent is an Adverse Childhood Experience. Read up on the impact it has on a child.

You could be happy and enjoying life instead of having this man around.