For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

FFS don't marry this waste of space.

WOW, that is vicious, she is supporting him, and their kids and their pets and their home ...and paying for the wedding they had to cancel. I think she has been pretty tolerant and supportive.

But there comes a time when an adult has to accept responsibility for THEIR mistakes and reciprocate for their partner and kids. This is his chance to acknowledge, reciprocate and rebuild the relationship - the world does not revolve around him.

OP is being realistic and trying to manage the families affairs, if she goes down under the pressure, that is to no-ones benefit. Its a tough call OP but stick to your guns.

if you think he is going to go on an abroad stag and not drink then , with respect, you are utterly delusional.

and I know about drink and drug problems, more than most, so I do not say this judgmentally at all. If he is serious about staying sober, a stag do is the last thing he should be going on. It's not a 'oh I'm sober most of the time apart from when it's a stag/party/xmas/birthday/ day of the week with a Y in it'.

He's obviously not serious about sobriety or your relationship.

It saddens me in this day and age how women have such low self esteem and self worth

No, HE owes it to YOU to prioritise you, your daughter, your household and the shared finances, of which HE has messed up. His behaviour shows you he is an adolescent and I’m sorry OP, but he won’t be doing anymore growing up.

Give him your opinion but let him make his own decision.

He will borrow more money.
He will go.
He will relapse.
He might lose the job.
He will expect you to pick up the pieces.

When this happens you will either open your eyes to reality or you will continue to wear blinkers. Your choice

Don’t marry him.

Run for the hills.

Manchild alert

Yep, put the rubbish out.

The fact that he thinks this is a good idea after what he has put you through would be enough for me. Someone who genuinely wanted to get on the right track would see the danger on going off on a holiday like this so early in recovery. He will bring you down again, waste your money and your time. His dm already enables him, don’t enable him yourself (I think you already are by paying off the wedding while he is contributing nothing - and he is the cause of you having to do that!)

I think you have to give him an ultimatum and then you will see whether he puts you or his addiction first.

the drugs was a huge issue for me

Obviously not that huge or you wouldn't have allowed him back until he'd been clean for a long period

I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us

Has he? Because after all the effort you're making for him, my idea of "doing everything" would be to give whatever money mummy's paid to you, so you can enjoy a much deserved break
Or rather you could have done, except that leaving a young child alone with a drug addict would be madness

If his mum were paying for absolutely everything including spending money for the trip as a gift, I could maybe see his point that there's no harm in his going and that whether he goes or not won't change the fact that you have had to scrimp and sacrifice and miss important events. But since it's a loan AND it won't cover all his expenses, he can't afford to go. Whether or not your finances are completely blended or separate, his spending money and incurring debt negatively impacts you so you're right to speak up about it.

However, if you're leading with reminding him that you've missed out and it's unfair rather than with the financial impact of his going, that's giving him an opening for the "spiteful" stuff. He KNOWS that's not the main issue unless he's a complete idiot, but he wants to go so he's going to grab on to anything that makes him look less bad and minimises his irresponsible and self-centered attitude and behaviour. You shouldn't have to baby him and a lot of people couldn't be bothered, but if the negative impact of his going is unacceptable to you then I advise keeping emotion out of the discussion as much as you can and focusing on budget and numbers.

You're not protecting your child and you're naive if you think the drugs won't come back.

People who lack resilience don't suddenly develop resilience with a stint of therapy. It takes a LOT of therapy and commitment and life altering to build resilience, but the next time something stressful happens, an argument, a bereavement, a disciplinary etc. The drugs will come back.

And if they do what do you think social services would say?

And if your first thought is that you'd do anything to not have them involved in your life, then the best way to do that is to ship this one back to his mum for good and let him be her problem.

Also, get some therapy for yourself. At the very least do Al Anon. Your mindset of you're going to give it another go, but if it doesn't work you can say you tried is deeply codependent, and selfish behaviour.

Your child has already had him walk out once, and now he will go again, either by his choice or your choice, and that is extremely damaging.

If you would do anything for your child, do this and get rid of this man.

Good grief, OP, he has run up debts, had problems with drink and drugs, run away from his responsibilities - and now proposes to rack up more debts (I note his mother will “loan” him the money) that in all probability you ‘ll have to pay back. Whatever happened with your wedding was a lucky escape - he should be coming to you on bended knee, not accusing you of being “spiteful” for not indulging his every whim. For as long as his DM is alive, he will go running to her at every touch and turn: once she’s gone, you’ll be picking up all the pieces. Is this really what you want for your own future and your DD, OP? What sort of an example are you setting her? I think you have to do some long hard thinking about what your future looks like - and I don’t think this selfish, self-indulgent mummy’s boy will be part of it.

You must be his mum!!
Honestly - you seriously think she should support someone who did this to her and their child?

His mum is also expecting you to pay this ‘loan’ back ( because he won’t be able to on his part time wage). Is she also expecting you to cover the £15k debt her son got himself into? She’s not just enabling his addiction, she’s financially abusing you and her granddaughter when she knows at no point was this ever a joint debt, but expects you to take money from her grandchild’s mouth in order to pay for something you haven’t ever agreed to or benefited from. How is that fair on you?

Please don't marry him. He is not worth any of this. For him to criticise you after everything you put up with and supported him through is a joke.

He thinks about himself only and views you as a nag because you are making mature decisions that he doesn't want.

He is unlikely to ever make you happy. His influence on your child won't be a positive one either

I have also contacted his mum and told her she is enabling this behaviour and the handouts need to stop

I wonder if that was a good idea, @YourOlivePoster?

It seems unlikely that a mum foolish enough to enable him will take any notice, and you might well have been framed as "the real problem" because of how "spiteful" you're being over objecting to the trip

Five nights in Greece for a wedding and he's still having weekly therapy for an addiction. He can't be serious enough about recovery or he wouldn't have even considered going, never mind actually planning it. Your fighting a losing battle and deserve better.

When you pointed out that you have had to make sacrifices (such as the hen do) what does he say? Is he making an effort for your relationship?

agree with you that his mum is enabling him

He thinks it's ok to go, that is enough for you to know he isn't committed to recovery or you and the daughter you share. This is he way of telling you - you don't count and you never will.

I'm truly sorry you can't see this. He shouldn't want to go and leave you again, he shouldn't want to borrow money, he shouldn't want to spend other money from his part-time job on himself.

He's given you the answers you need to move on - please take them for what they are and have the strength to separate.

A good and decent man wouldn’t call you “spiteful” under these circumstances. Lord knows what he actually brings to the table OP because even if the roles were reversed I’d say the partner in his position was an absolute disgrace.

And when does op get time/money spent on herself?

Indeed! I have a feeling “Gustavo” is OP’s MIL!

YABU to marry him or even stay in a relationship with him. He’s a drug addict and his debt will become your debt. Please don’t teach your daughter to think it’s ok to stay in a relationship with someone with drug and debt problems.

So who’s paying the money back to his mother?