For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

No, oh apologist for a selfish drug addict who chose to bring children into the world. Why do they get to continue being a man child swanning around on social jollies while the OP has the day to day stress and mental load of bringing money into the household to ensure their child is clothed fed and roof over their head, get to school and home stability. There are millions of people across the country living with the selfish choices of others, where do they fit in this equation other than suffering the impact..

He’s the one with the ‘trying’ to do. Is this really what you want to be involved in for the rest of your life? Run.

He needs a 12 step programme such as AA or NA - they are actually free - his mummy is part of the problem sadly - he's an addict sadly and he needs to get to the root of his issues. Look after yourself and don't let him continue with part time work for too much longer - I hope he's pulling his weight at home.

Er to be clear I think OP’s DP is a selfish arse and I have every sympathy for OP.

I just find it ridiculous that comment 2- rather than offering OP (who is clearly NBU) some constructive advice or support - was a judgy, sarcastic dig at OP herself for the crime of trying to build a life with a less than perfect man. So , yeh, typical mumsnet,

I beg to differ, @Tandora

a judgy, sarcastic dig at OP herself for the crime of trying to build a life with a less than perfect man. So , yeh, typical mumsnet

what posters on mumsnet are brilliant at is pointing out the unvarnished truth that the OP is selling herself very very short being with a waste of space, and the thought that she should set herself up for failure doing all the heavy lifting "trying to build a life" with him while he obviously couldn't give a shit is just living in cloud cuckoo land.

I can’t understand why you would want to marry this bloke.

Have you had any therapy to unpick why your self esteem is this low? I think that would be a good place to start.

There is no way I would ever consider marrying a man who has drug and alcohol issues and who has put me in financial straits without stepping up to resolve it. He is not a ‘good’ man - he is a selfish, self-absorbed addict who will only get worse as you enable him. I would be kicking him out and not allow him back until or unless he sorted himself out (and I’m not seeing that he has made a genuine effort to do this).

Am also inferring, as you mention his being away in term time and leaving everything to you (assume you are not just referring to your job?), that you have kids? In which case double reason to kick him out.

This is a safeguarding issue for your child.

Look at ALL the expert advice that highlights the fact that children who are subjected to parents with drug/alcohol abuse habits are AT RISK.

If you continue to inflict this man (and his enabling mother) on your poor child, she will suffer.

He may be a lovely dad - that's not the point. His substance abuse and the fact he has one female facilitator ladling out money and another continuing to give him house room and excuses are giant red flags for her welfare and wellbeing. And for her view of relationships, of men and of what women and children are expected to endure.

Time to do your duty.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/safeguarding-children-affected-by-parental-alcohol-and-drug-use/safeguarding-and-promoting-the-welfare-of-children-affected-by-parental-alcohol-and-drug-use-a-guide-for-local-authorities

You owe him absolutely nothing. He however owes you big time

I understand mental health issues, but not drugs. Not throwing money away on himself whilst you’re still digging yourself out of a financial mess that he’s caused. If he goes, he should go straight back to his mums and let you start living your life.

You don't have to stay with someone just because they are a good person, OP. (This was one of the most important things I ever learnt.)

I'd let him go on this wedding and let the consequences roll out on their own.

I agree with PP that you are operating under a sunk cost fallacy. You've invested so much time and money that you feel you need to stick with him, but you will just keep sinking more money and effort into a bottomless pit if you stay with him.

Extricate yourself from any financial ties you currently have with him @YourOlivePoster . What is your housing situation? The worst thing you could do for your future and your daughter's is to legally tie yourself to him by marriage.

I would make it very clear to both him and his mum, that you will have no part in 'repaying' your partner's 'debt' to his mum. How does she think she is helping by getting him into further debt for a totally non essential expense, when he has a child to be housed and fed and clothed!

Seriously?!

OP, if you don’t have separate bank accounts now is the time. Don’t let him access any of your money for this holiday, let him support himself whilst away. And absolutely do not marry a man who isn’t there supporting you and your family and helping get out of debt. Debt he created.

just started to read the thread but felt the need to comment on this.

You owe him the sum total of fuck all. If he was in any way bothered about his MH he would have sought help from his Dr not the local drug dealer. You have missed out on things (such as the hen weekend and I suspect many other good times), whilst he just carried on living his life with no thought as to how it impacts you. You deserve better than that...raise your bar.

I don't understand your post or why you quoted me.
Why not quote every other unanimous reply to the thread that says marrying a drug addict would not be a good idea? My post was not sarcastic and I resent you making up that it was.

His mother paid his debts off, she won’t expect to see a penny back and will keep enabling him all her life. You can’t stop her enabling him or if he wants to get into debt again. He is never going to change but you can! You are capable of changing your future, you can tell him to go back to his mum’s, who will be delighted her little soldier is back. Let her live with what she encourages, not you and your precious child. He will take centre stage if you stay and your DC will be hidden in the shadows, as you put every bit of your energy into saving your partner.
Living with him will send a clear message to your child that it’s ok to be an addict, in fact it gets you all of the attention. Do it for your child!

Apologies it was the middle of the night and I failed to see the word “not” in that sentence!! 🤦🏼‍♀️ I thought you had written “well you can’t stop him but you really should marry a drug addict”. My bad, sorry.

Are you his Mum? OP is unreasonable for being with such a total waste of space.

So he went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left your home (with your daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He walked out of his job so OP spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mum's for 2 of them. He's back now with a part-time job so no doubt OP is still the main earner.

OP couldn't afford to go to her friend's hen's night, had to cancel their wedding and is still paying off the amount owed for the wedding dress and the venue every month. He wants to go off on this fun trip but hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds they don’t have.

He says you are being spiteful. This is despite him leaving you in the lurch, plunging you into debt, walking out of his job and taking drugs before swanning off to his mothers and you still took him back! Gratitude is certainly fleeting. What you are being is an absolute mug. Just because you have wasted 10 years of your life on this man - some of which must have been very unpleasant and you are still scrimping because of his behaviour - is no reason to waste any more of your life on this unreliable drug taking work-shy mother's boy. Don't even contemplate marrying him and you'd be well advised to send him back to his mother permanently.

You’ve got bigger problems than this wedding. Let him go, move his stuff out and change the locks while he is away. Don’t waste your time on him anymore.

My "Mrs Merton voice" always plays when I read these types of threads.
"So what attracted you to this druggie, debt ridden loser?".

Let him go but I don’t think you should stay with him. He can’t manage the pets/animals you have & can’t hold down a job. You will be slogging away teaching & paying for everything & he will then want half the house, half your pension etc. You would be better off going into a manageable property with child & rehome all the animals if he can’t look after them.

You’ve been trying for a year to make it work, giving him space, allowing him to opt out of family life, and financial responsibility. Not only has he not stepped back up, he’s actively stepping away doing irresponsible things still- borrowing more money, and leaving you in the lurch (again)

yes it was unfortunate that he was unwell, but the time he has missed means that he needs to give up other things. Amazing that he happens to be back up and running when there’s a trip to Greece in the offering.

I would let him go, let his mum pay for it and use the days he is away to start getting your paperwork sorted to leave him. Separate the finances and the debt and understand if you can take on the house

Actually you could separate your finances and things and carry on a relationship with him when he is back, and see how things are (indeed how much he wants to be with you) if you aren’t financially supporting him.

If he is recovering from drugs and other things, a boozy wedding abroad doesn’t feel like the best decision if he was in the frame of mind that prioritising a relationship with you is the most important thing.

I know you love him but he is dragging you down with him. He has saddled you with huge debts and rather than work with you to pay them off, is disappearing again to rack up even more debt and leave you to care for your child.

This man has serious problems.

Do not marry him.

You owe him nothing.

Why on earth are you still willing to tie your life to this man.

Yes, people have mental health struggles, but most of them don't abandon their children to spend thousands of pounds they don't have on drink and drugs binges.

What happens next time he does this? You owe it to your child to give her a safe supportive home life. How can you ever do that when you're with someone who might up end everyone's lives on a moments notice.