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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
SALaw · 23/05/2025 18:18

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

Only back a few weeks yet you’re marrying him this year? I would say you would want at least 12 months of normality, drug free, no drama before even starting to plan a wedding

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:20

Is he somehow supposed to stay sober and clean on this stag trip? No chance.

viques · 23/05/2025 18:20

Don’t marry him.

You would be tying you and your child to an unreliable,
druggy , practically unemployable man for the next however many years . It won’t be his mother having to pay off his next lot of debts, it will be you. For the sake of your mental health, your child’s confidence and self esteem and your credit rating, tell him from now on he can go to as many weddings as he wants to - with the exception of the one you were planning, which won’t be happening!

IWishIWasABaller · 23/05/2025 18:20

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:07

He is always going to put himself first.

Your cancelled wedding was a blessing.

This 100 times over op , be thankful you are not married to him, find your backbone and leave. You'd be absolutely insane to stay with him and marry

Original poster
YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:21

At the moment I am managing everything financially yes. He has only been working part time for 2 weeks now. He has stopped the drugs and is not drinking and still having private therapy sessions once a week.
reading some of your comments is really very humbling. I have also contacted his mum and told her she is enabling this behaviour and the handouts need to stop. It seems easy to see so many “red flags” when reading your comments but it is so difficult when you have built a life and love somebody.

OP posts:
JHound · 23/05/2025 18:21

I would be putting this one out for bin collection.

Viviennemary · 23/05/2025 18:21

Let him go to the wedding and then end this relationship. He is a waste of time.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 23/05/2025 18:21

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

What the actual fuck?????

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 23/05/2025 18:23

I know this isn't your question but FFS don't marry this totally failed human. Sell up, leave and stop being his rehabilitation centre. It will wear you down and hollow you out until you won't know which way is up.

SpacedOutOut · 23/05/2025 18:23

Let him go to the wedding. And while he’s there, move his stuff to his mothers and change the bloody locks! Or you will be dealing with this the rest of your life.

Piginapokiee · 23/05/2025 18:23

I know you have a long history and a child together. But think back to yourself as a child- is this the man you would choose for yourself?

SheridansPortSalut · 23/05/2025 18:26

He's been working for 2 week. How long has he been off the drink and drugs? Is he in any kind of rehab program?

Davros · 23/05/2025 18:26

I chose YABU because you should be rejoicing to get rid of him, even if it’s only for a holiday. Don’t let him back, get rid 🗑️

BookWorrum · 23/05/2025 18:29

You have to know, in your heart of hearts, that he will relapsed and the weekend will be a major bender that he’ll lie to your face about once he gets home.

That’s what life with an addict is.

TunnocksOrDeath · 23/05/2025 18:30

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Maybe you "have no idea or don't seem to care" what it is like having your life held hostage by a partner with an addiction that forces you as an individual into financial hardship to cover your 'joint' costs. I can tell you from experience it is a relentless, soul-destroying slog.
The OP is paying off debt for the non-refundable elements of the wedding that they had to cancel because of HIS addiction. She is not being selfish in the slightest to suggest that it's not fair for him to borrow even more money to go off on a jolly before that is paid off.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 23/05/2025 18:30

Ah you do sound like a caring person, don’t let this baby man bring you down, he’s going to a wedding on a Greek island and is in recovery… that’s a joke. Stop enabling him and look out for yourself. All the best ❤️

Newusername1234567 · 23/05/2025 18:30

Voted yabu for staying with him. What is wrong with you

Sera1989 · 23/05/2025 18:32

He should have his tail between his legs thanking his lucky stars that he’s been both bailed out and given another chance!! To call you spiteful for not wanting him to get further into debt going on a piss up when you’ve had to live responsibly and are still paying off your venue etc. is unempathetic, shortsighted and beyond fucking cheeky.

I know it’s hard to acknowledge when you love someone, want to make it work (and are probably a kind person) but he’s racked up lots of red flags in a short amount of time and he doesn’t sound like a great guy

Canonlythinkofthisone · 23/05/2025 18:32

Gustavo77 · 23/05/2025 18:00

He should go, everything else is incidental. You obviously have no idea, or seem to care what he's been through, be glad he's well enough to even consider going. Once he's well enough you can get a break if it's that important to you but it's not a situation where you being so selfish of playing tit for tat is reasonable. I'm glad he's got his mum to support him.

Is this a joke?

DoYouReally · 23/05/2025 18:33

And he's really not going to drink or take drugs on an overseas wedding away? Surely he can recognise it's a high risk to his sobriety/recovery!

If you persist with the delusion that you owe him a chance, at the very least can you do the right think for yourself and agreed that you won't marry him for at least 5 years fully clean and sober with no set backs?

I would be surprised if he manages it but at least you won't be saddled with him if he does.

Mix56 · 23/05/2025 18:34

You tell him if he goes he is history.
it will turn into a bender
he hasn't even started to be solvent
he is immature
You are not covering his next failure.
You are done

summerscomingsoon · 23/05/2025 18:35

I think the real question you should be asking yourself is why do you want to be saddled with a man who is addicted to drugs, doesn't work, doesn't take responsibility for himself or his family and pops back to mummy when things get tough knowing mummy will bail him out financially and probably emotionally.

DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 23/05/2025 18:35

Hi @YourOlivePoster ... my husband also has episodes of bad mental health. Nothing like this thankfully, but he did lose a job in the past when the atmosphere got a bit toxic and he started having panic attacks. It sucked, it was hard for a while, I knew it wasn't his fault but that didn't necessarily make it easy to handle.

I think the question is if you want to be with this man or not- and if you do I think you need to find a way to forgive the bad mental health and the repercussions it had on you. Because if you don't help him to find joy in his life and he is prone to bad mental health he will backslide (in my experience).

I think you need to start from a place of how could we maybe make this work and go from there or the resentment will kill off the relationship anyway.

I don't think any healthy relationship comes from a place of 'stopping' something that is important to the other. At least have open discussions where you are willing to find a compromise.

summerscomingsoon · 23/05/2025 18:36

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 18:11

He clearly hasn’t ‘done everything he can’ though, has he?

After taking 15k from his mum and leaving you to parent DD and pay for loads, he’s seeking yet more money from her for a personal holiday, while you work/parent/pay the bills he created, and is calling you ‘spiteful’ for objecting!

he’s a loser and you should do better, if not for yourself for your DC. Loving him isn’t reason to put up with such things.

this

DPotter · 23/05/2025 18:36

I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around

No you don't - you really don't.

And even if you did - he's not playing to the same rules as you is he? He's meant to be in therapy, steering clear of drugs and working. So after 2 weeks in a new job - he's planning a trip aboard for a wedding. Is it a drink free wedding ? And lets be honest, there is a culture of recreational drug use these days. And he (and his mother) think it's a good idea to land a drug addict in that environment. Wonder what his therapist thinks ? He is not playing by the rules of proving to you he is worthy of your affection and hard work. So why are you honouring him with your efforts ?

He's a drug addict, barely back on an even keel. OK - You can't stop him going. You can ask for drug tests when he returns, but really if you can't trust him, the relationship is dead in the water. And let me be clear - you can't trust him, not because he's a bad person but because he's an addict and very early on in his recovery journey.

Untangle your finances - it's certainly not up to you to fund his holiday. I'm sorry - but it's time to get those ducks in a row and prepare to move on

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