For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

I think you should reframe the way you talk about the money she’s giving him. It isn’t a handout for a jolly (which would be bad enough when you’re stuck doing all the grunt work), what she is actually doing is loading him down with more debt for a jolly. Debt that will have a direct, detrimental impact on your and her DGD’s life.

Why is it that when men have a MH crisis they get to opt out of life for a little while but women don’t?

No, you owe it to yourself to extract yourself from this intolerable situation. He needs a LOT of work which will take a LONG time. With his mother enabling him it will take even longer.
Exit stage left. Let him come back when he’s sorted himself out. You don’t need or deserve this.

I owe him after 10 years…?

You don’t owe him anything, he’s screwing you over with his mother colluding with him, you count for zilch in his life.
Ffs start putting yourself and your dc first because god knows he won’t.

You owe him nothing. You owe your child a future without this man dragging you both down.

What a loser. He brings nothing to your life. Send him off to Greece and tell him not to come back.

My heart goes out to you OP, you still see the man you fell in love with and have had kids with, the man you expected to marry and despite all his flaws, you have accepted them and done everything you can to support his recovery and from the sounds of it, have made significant sacrifices for you and your children to support him.

People can recover from this and I whole heartedly applaud your tenacity and commitment to this man. BUT... quite frankly you are damned if you do and damned if you don't here!

If you let him go, he is not taking accountability nor prioritising his families well being. That would be it for me. Its also possible that when he goes, he will fall off the wagon as its too early in his recovery although no one can blame him for wanting to go. And this will; be framed as your fault for stressing him or for allowing him to go when he is not ready.

If you tell him he cannot go, he will rant and probably go back to his old habits and his narrative will be that you pushed him to it.

You need to sit him down and tell him the emotional, practical and physical costs this situation has had on you and the financial long term ramifications for the family. Not only is he not appreciating this, but he is adding to the load by creating additional unwarranted debt . He needs to think about what he is denying you and the kids for his own few days of fun.

I personally would say that just like you, he is an adult and is responsible for his own actions but if he chooses to prioritise his own short holiday at the cost of additional years of financial misery, for his future wife and kids, then he is not the man you fell in love with and the man you have been waiting to re-discover. Tell him you are not willing to do that to your kids and ask if he is?

As a teacher, I am sure you can spot the kids with families like this and you must know first hand how it affects them?

This is his decision not yours, he either starts taking some responsibility for his actions or he needs to ship out. You (or his Mum), can't keep propping him up, he needs to decide to want to do it for himself and sadly sometimes that means he needs to hit rock bottom first...and that is not something your kids should witness.

Big hugs, you must do what you must do as you and your kids will either suffer the consequences or reap the rewards. You have been loving and supportive and now its time to be strong and stand your ground.

OP are his friends who are going to be at the wedding men he has previously done drugs/gone drinking with? Because an overseas wedding sounds like a bit of a binge fest waiting to happen and probably the sort of place a recovering addict ought to avoid.

Also on the I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. front -

He’s not done everything he can if he’s contemplating taking on more debt, abandoning you and his DD for 5 days and then calling you names when you point out the unfairness. I get that he’s come back and is doing some of the work needed to move on from his breakdown, but he quite clearly hasn’t appreciated what he’s actually done to you or DD.

I dont understand for the life of me why you're hitching your horse to this wagon.

Did his mum hear your point of view? Does she understand she is enabling him @YourOlivePoster ?

Don’t marry him. This man is not husband Material.

There are 2 words to describe your fiance: selfish manipulator. Having mental health issues does not give any person the excuse to behave is such inconsiderate, selfish and bs manner. He calks you "spiteful" when you have had to hold EVERYTHING together, your daughter, home, pets, bills, job and now pay back for your wedding. Why did he not get help to consolidate his loans? It seems to be jumping from one debt to another except his mother is the lender AND enabler indulging her son. Is he reprehensible to not even see the strain you are under and think of himself again! Why you are with this man and even want to marry him is a mystery. He ran off back to mummy. He left you to cope and abandonded the child you have together. If you have so many pets maybe it is a lot and can cause chaos and stress. It might be kinder to rehome some and better for all. I don't see how you are benefitting from this relationship. The man wants to get more money off mummy, does not have spendimg money, go on a bender, you are stressed out, working flat out and he has the gall to call you spiteful! Honestly, you are not showing your daughter a good example of supportice relationship from both sides. The strain you are under is enough to give you a breakdown too. If it was my fiance I'd end it and come the holidays go to your parents with your daughter, get the pets rehomed and find a place ro live.

Please god do not marry this man! He has zero respect for you.

You don’t owe him anything regardless of how long you have been together. If anyone owes anyone anything it’s him for walking away and leaving you to pick up the slack.
He shouldn’t even have the brass neck to borrow more money and he should be eternally grateful you took him back.

I would end it for good now. He will bring you nothing but misery

Its also possible that when he goes, he will fall off the wagon as its too early in his recovery although no one can blame him for wanting to go. And this will; be framed as your fault for stressing him or for allowing him to go when he is not ready

If you tell him he cannot go, he will rant and probably go back to his old habits and his narrative will be that you pushed him to it

Exactly, @RockOrAHardplace, and now OP's possibly offended mummy by suggesting she's enabling him there's every chance she'll be in his ear, commiserating about how OP "drove him to it"

To my mind the only sensible option is to send him away and reconsider only if he stays clean for an extended spell, but of course it's OP's choice to make

The fact that he even wants to go on a bender in Greece and increase his debt so soon after returning home, rather than focussing on you and his children and paying off what he can, shows that he’s utterly selfish and this should be what motivates you to end the relationship. At least don’t marry this man until he has been clean and committed for at least a few years.

You don’t owe him anything g. He’s taking you for a ride. He’s for his family as a security blanket. You’ve got nothing so why waste you life with a druggie.

Define ‘good man’. Because I’m seeing someone who didn’t just go sick, but who completely abandoned his wife and child to fuck off back to mummy’s house and now that he’s back, is glossing over the damage he’s caused both to your relationship and your finances, and deciding that now would be the time to get even deeper into debt so he can go off for a jolly with his mates. That is NOT a good man. And he won’t change.

The feeling you’ll get when you’re in a relationship with an actual good man and realise that responsibilities are shared between you rather than all being on your shoulders will make you feel very emotional.

He can’t afford to go and if he is getting handouts from his Mum he should use that money to help you clear the debts he has caused such as leaving you to pay off your dress etc.
He needs to be sober for some time before you even contemplate marriage, sorry

After 10 years together not married and him racking up debt. I wouldn’t be wasting another 1 year because of the previous 10.

Sunken cost fallacy.

He isn’t bothered about debt clearly as his happy to take on more debt for a holiday. His not parenting when his barely come back after being away for so long and then wants to skip off again. Also 3 day wedding and his meant to be sober and drug free when his only just started again…. Yeah that won’t happen. Just a toast will lead to a load and someone will have something to sniff or smoke once the party starts.

But yourself and child first. So no you cannot stop him but don’t be relying on him for anything and prepare to leave. For your child.

What a sanctimonious thing to say. OP already has a child. If she chooses to leave him, he will still be a parent. If you have nothing nice to say it’s usually better to say nothing at all.

@Puzzledandpissedoff I agree, that would be the best way to go but I am not sure the OP is ready to do that yet and ultimately she has to live with the consequences so she needs to make her own mind up about the future of her and her kids.

Its tough for her, she will be in a world of pain which ever way she goes.

You're kidding, right?

You're not?

Oh.

His mother is not the only one enabling him!!

op is too. When the women in his life is giving him all these chances, then who is to blame?

Sorry to be blunt, but if you've really got your heart setting on getting married, I recommend running out onto the street and marrying the first single bloke you come across.

You've at least an evens chance of finding someone more suitable than your current intended. Throw this one back to his long-suffering mother.