For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

[YourOlivePoster]

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

He is always going to put himself first.

Your cancelled wedding was a blessing.

God OP I don't mean to sound harsh but you were so incredibly stupid to take him back.

I would tell him plainly that he's in (at least) £16k of debt and he can't afford to go. If he's too much of a spoilt mummy's boy child to accept that, then I just don't know how you can stay with him.

He's shown you in the past he thinks nothing of leaving you in financial distress and he got away with it then so no doubt he will think he can rinse and repeat.

Let him go, you and your child don't need this loser in your life! He isn't going to change he isn't going to ever make you happy and he is emotionally damaging his child.

I think this wedding is probably the least of your problems to be fair.

I don't think he should go, but i don't think you should stop him going. That's not who you want to be.

I think you need to think carefully how much more you want to attach yourself to this guy. He doesn't sound dependable.

You’d be better off on your own OP. Get your ducks in a row.

Multitude of red flags so big they’d dwarf a stadium, throw him back to his mums.

Do not out yourself or your children through this shit show caused by a selfish man!

You owe it to yourself and your children to not waste more time on this man who will never prioritise anyone above himself.

He'll never change. He doesn't have to, when those around him pick up the pieces.
Him attending the wedding is a red herring, when your life is in bits clearing up his mess.

And what does he owe you OP? Support, respect, kindness, love? And has he provided it to you? You owe him nothing.

I I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

You owe him fuck all.

He clearly hasn’t ‘done everything he can’ though, has he?

After taking 15k from his mum and leaving you to parent DD and pay for loads, he’s seeking yet more money from her for a personal holiday, while you work/parent/pay the bills he created, and is calling you ‘spiteful’ for objecting!

he’s a loser and you should do better, if not for yourself for your DC. Loving him isn’t reason to put up with such things.

@YourOlivePoster

"I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried."

No you don't and anyway you have tried. You should be putting your child first, not him. You've had lots of good advice on here but you seem determined to ignore it. Good luck OP.

"I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around"

No you don't. You can't fix this. It has to come from him. He owes it to you to try to turn it around but that's not what's happening.

I'll say it again - he is always going to put himself first.

He should not be going

Also, if he was using drugs in late 2024 and has been enabled by his mum and you not to face the full consequences of his addiction, it is likely a wedding abroad = relapse risk.

Has he quit booze?

It's only been a few weeks back for him and he plans to go off again and run up a shit ton of debt.

He hasn't turned anything around. You're playing a fool's game here. Let him take a year and turn it around. Work a program. Work regularly at a steady job. No drugs or alcohol. Build up savings. Parent on a regular schedule. Then you talk about getting back together.

Did he go to rehab and is he working a program?

I think I'd be very calm about it but absolutely clear that if he went, he would be single when he returned.

Agree

It's so sad that you think you owe him anything when it's the other way around.

He isn't responsible enough to be your husband. For the love of God don't marry him. Going on from 2 previous man-child husbands I will never marry again unless it is 100% to my financial advantage.
His problems will become your problems, why would you want that?

Are you managing yours and his money? If yes say to his mum if she gives him the money she won’t get it back.
but I’d be tempted to tell him to choose you and dd or the wedding if he chooses the wedding your relationship was doomed anyway

Why do you owe it to him? Just because you’ve been together for 10 years? If this relationship was so important to him he’d try focus on getting financially secure again so you have a nice or comfortable life. Instead he’s prioritising this wedding over you and your feelings, why doesn’t he owe it to you to try make things right?
Also out of interest, if he’s only working part time who is paying the household bills and the debt?

He's clearly used to having women save his arse.

I was thinking the same thing