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Original poster

For stopping my partner going to his friends wedding

240 replies

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 24/05/2025 10:57

Bloody hell OP wake up and smell the roses. Many of us have been here and walked out 20 years later, exhausted and much much poorer.
You owe him nothing.
What has he paid towards the wedding? Done to make your day wonderful. Nothing I'm sure.
If you insist on being with this complete loser then just live with him. Don't marry him.
Keep the finances separate. If he doesn't earn he doesn't eat the money is for the kids.
In a few years you will be thinking again.
He needs to earn this marriage, you don't need to give him everything of yours for free.
You need to toughen up.
This kind of man is two a penny and you can pick them up off any street corner.

CountryTunes · 24/05/2025 11:02

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:06

Thanks all- the drugs was a huge issue for me. I know he is a good man that has just struggled with his mental health and he has done everything in his power to turn things around for us. I’m absolutely not jumping into marrying him but it is only a few weeks since he got back from his mums and I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around. If it doesn’t work out I can walk away knowing I tried.

No you actually don't owe him anything OP other than to safeguard yourself and your kids from a drug addict

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/05/2025 11:12

amybabysa · 24/05/2025 03:29

Presumably he is clean or in recovery as she used past tense. Addiction is easier than you think, judgement doesn’t help.

Show quote history

Look at the timescales OP described ... addiction's unlikely to be overcome quite that fast, and with an almost total lack of commitment to change on his part the chances become even fewer

And AFAICS the judgement isn't over the addiction as such, but the attitudes he's displaying now he claims to be recovered

2JFDIYOLO · 24/05/2025 13:26

You marry him = you hand him your income, savings, pension, property etc on a plate.

And what is he handing you, other than debt, drug dependence and a lifelong habit of sponging off women?

Then a few years on you're back here asking about how to divorce a drug user, with a string of horror stories about what he's done ...

IhateHPSDeaneCnt · 24/05/2025 13:57

Yes, your MIL was enabling him. I'm sure she was grateful for your insight. What about your part? I think previous poster asked if he had any good points and even if he could breathe through his ears, I'd send back to Mam.

amybabysa · 24/05/2025 15:35

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/05/2025 11:12

Look at the timescales OP described ... addiction's unlikely to be overcome quite that fast, and with an almost total lack of commitment to change on his part the chances become even fewer

And AFAICS the judgement isn't over the addiction as such, but the attitudes he's displaying now he claims to be recovered

Show quote history

I was on suboxone/methadone after a few months of an addiction. Which would constitute being in recovery.

Livpool · 24/05/2025 20:02

SpacedOutOut · 23/05/2025 18:23

Let him go to the wedding. And while he’s there, move his stuff to his mothers and change the bloody locks! Or you will be dealing with this the rest of your life.

💯

You need to get rid - his mother is enabling him and always will. Did she give you any money to take care of HIS child???

Rabbitsockpeony · 08/07/2025 22:56

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 18:21

At the moment I am managing everything financially yes. He has only been working part time for 2 weeks now. He has stopped the drugs and is not drinking and still having private therapy sessions once a week.
reading some of your comments is really very humbling. I have also contacted his mum and told her she is enabling this behaviour and the handouts need to stop. It seems easy to see so many “red flags” when reading your comments but it is so difficult when you have built a life and love somebody.

How are you getting on @YourOlivePoster?

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 00:16

YourOlivePoster · 23/05/2025 17:56

The title sounds bad- I know but hear me out. We have been together 10 years, engaged for 2 and were due to get married this year. He went through a full scale mental breakdown at the end of last year and left our home in wales (where we have a daughter, and a multitude of pets) and went back to his mum’s house as he couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore. He had a problem with drugs, racked up £15k debt and just could not function. He had walked out of his job so wasn’t bringing in and income so I spent 6 months as the sole earner with him being away at his mums for 2 of them. Obviously that was an awful time for both of us but he is having therapy and had a part time time job and is back at home so things are on the up. Anyway, his friend is due to get married abroad in June and he is meant to be a groomsman. We hadn’t spoken about it. I am a teacher so wouldn’t be able to go anyway as it is during term time. He has come to me saying his mum is offering to pay for his flights and accommodation as a loan (on top of the £15k she stumped up to clear his debts and over £1000 for therapy) for him to go to the wedding. He thinks I am spiteful for not wanting him to go. I have had to back out of various events this year including my best friend’s hen because I couldn’t afford them as he was out of work having his crisis. It feels totally unfair that he gets to go because his family is more wealthy and his mum will literally pay for anything. I feel so frustrated but on the other hand it is one of his best friends. The other blow is we have had to cancel our own wedding due to everything that happened, I am even still paying off what we owe for my wedding dress and the venue every month. We are still recovering financially and living within a tight budget and he hasn’t put aside any money for spending whilst there so even though his mum will pay the bulk he is still going to spend hundreds of pounds we don’t have. Also the wedding is 3 days in Greece so he would be away 5 nights during the busiest term time leaving me to run everything at home. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting him to go? If anyone needs a holiday it is me!

It may be tempting to defend this person because you love him but I'm saying this for you. For goodness sake please do not marry this man. He left you and your child, racked up £15K debt that his Mum paid off. He is pathetic and a loser who will drag you and your daughter down with him as long as you let him. Let him go and live with his Mummy, he sounds very childlike. I agree, it sounds like you're the one who needs a holiday. He is not a strong provider. He is weak and his Mother enables him. My childhood was hell I worked my way out of that hellhole. I can almost guarantee it was infinitely worse than anything he's been through.

Original poster
YourOlivePoster · 10/10/2025 22:39

UPDATE he went to the wedding, begrudgingly. His mum paid (obviously). It has been a turbulent few months. He got a job delivering and then crashed the works van after acting completely out of it in the morning so lost that job. Says it was “medical” and not drugs. I then found anabolic steroids, multiple types in his bag so left him for the safety of me and my daughter. Some people will never change.

OP posts:
Left · 10/10/2025 22:44

Well done OP - you’ve done the right thing for you and your daughter x

littlemousebigcheese · 10/10/2025 22:48

Send him back to his mother, change the locks and your number and thank your lucky stars you’re not married to him

YouMightLikeCats · 10/10/2025 22:50

YourOlivePoster · 10/10/2025 22:39

UPDATE he went to the wedding, begrudgingly. His mum paid (obviously). It has been a turbulent few months. He got a job delivering and then crashed the works van after acting completely out of it in the morning so lost that job. Says it was “medical” and not drugs. I then found anabolic steroids, multiple types in his bag so left him for the safety of me and my daughter. Some people will never change.

Sorry to hear, OP, but as you said, you can know you gave him every chance. Wish you all the best as you navigate your future free from him Flowers

Acommonreader · 11/10/2025 08:53

ThejoyofNC · 23/05/2025 18:10

I I owe it to him after 10 years to try and turn it around.

You owe him fuck all.

Exactly! OP You have tried. He has not tried. Your kids only get one childhood and everything in your lives is about him. Please walk away, do not get married.
In a years time you and the dc be really happy without this deadweight dragging you down.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2025 10:27

YourOlivePoster · 10/10/2025 22:39

UPDATE he went to the wedding, begrudgingly. His mum paid (obviously). It has been a turbulent few months. He got a job delivering and then crashed the works van after acting completely out of it in the morning so lost that job. Says it was “medical” and not drugs. I then found anabolic steroids, multiple types in his bag so left him for the safety of me and my daughter. Some people will never change.

Well done for putting you and your daughter first and leaving him for your own safety. He may have mental health difficulties but he is making things much worse by taking illegal drugs and lying about it.

He is obviously enabled and supported by his ridiculous mother.

I would take some legal advice because co-parenting with an immature drug taking mummy's boy won't be easy.

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